Autumn Days
by tikitikirevenge
Summary: The Smashers are trapped in the house! The perpetrator of evilishness is revealed! The universe is collapsing! WILL I EVER GIVE THIS STORY A RESOLUTION? Hint: complete!
1. Intro: DK's shopping, talking fridge

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that this is some lame attempt to reclaim all the good reviews I got for Summer Days. Well, you're completely wrong. **Wrong, you hear me?** The fact that this and Summer Days use exactly the same characters and assign them more or less the same personalities is just happenstance, not design. Oh, and the choice of name? Well, it happens to be autumn where I live, so it was the first thing that came to mind. And to clear things up for a few people who have no idea what I'm talking about, autumn is that season after summer and before winter where it's not warm enough to have fun at the beach but not cold enough to stop ice and snow from melting.  
Oh, and of course, I don't own any of the characters in this story. Nintendo owns them all with the exception of Theau Thor. Who is Theau Thor? Nobody knows, and to this day the identity of The auThor remains quite a mystery. It is in no way an attempt to circumvent the ugly "Author's note" clauses or add some cheap humour.  
Now, considering the length of this disclaimer (epically long) I wouldn't be surprised if you spend more time reading it than you do reading the story. Meh, as long as the reviews come in.  
That was a threat.

**Chapter 1**

The blast signature made it quite clear that this was no pipe bomb. If Samus Aran could venture a guess, considering the type of explosive and its immaculate placement, judging by the way in which the blast had only ripped open the necessary walls and the minimalist approach to use of explosives, that she was dealing with an expert here. Probably a hired assassin, or, as she preferred to euphemise it, a "bounty hunter". Which was ridiculous, because there was only one bounty hunter who had been in the vicinity at the time, and- no.  
There had been two.  
It was ridiculous, implausible, that the other bounty hunter would have done such a thing, although considering _that_ individual's personality, perhaps she shouldn't have been so surprised when realisation hit her. Nobody else could have done it, save her, and she knew perfectly well that she had had no involvement in the entire mess.  
A footstep sounded behind her.  
The entire world condensed into a split second and she spun around, dropping to one knee, raising her arm cannon, firing in the direction of the noise before she even saw Captain Falcon's malicious grin.  
A barrage of missiles, beams, bombs, and thrown debris. Falcon was still smiling obnoxiously as the final missile plunged straight into his gut and caused him to explode. His last scream was one of pain and ago-  
"Samus?"  
-ny and the look on his face was-  
"Samus?" said Zelda. "Have you fallen asleep?"  
"Mmm?" said Samus, straightening her position on the couch. "Oh… I was having such a good dream."  
"Come on," said Zelda. "The others wanted your opinion on how we can escape."  
Every Smasher was sitting around the giant lounge/anteroom to the great Smash Mansion, accommodation to the Smash Brothers for their tournaments.  
"So?" said Captain Falcon. "Any ideas, Ms Sexy? Oh, and don't I know you? Has anyone ever told you how pretty you are? I'm a bounty hunter, baby. Call my number some day. Say, what's a girl like you doing in a-"  
"That's about every line in the book," said Samus.  
"Book? What book?" Falcon feigned innocence.  
"The one that's blocking my view of your face, thankfully," said Samus. "It says _How to win the hearts of tall people_."  
"Oh, _that_ book," laughed Falcon. "Heh heh heh. I was just holding that… for…" he looked to his left- "…Pikachu! Here, Pikachu, your interesting little book."  
"Nobody's falling for that-a one," laughed Mario, who was performing a little upside-down dance on the ceiling. "Come again, why-a are we trapped-a in this place-a?"  
"Oh, that," said Roy. "I remember now, Donkey Kong told us earlier…"

**--begin flashback--**

Donkey Kong was walking along the streets in a heavy industrial district of the nearby town. "Never send an expert shopper to do an ape's job," he muttered.  
Reaching a store which seemed as if it could well be the one he was looking for, he ducked inside.  
"Excuse me?" he said to a shop assistant. "Is this the 'power tools' store?"  
"No, sorry," said the assistant. "This is the 'tool power' store. We sell basic tools. 'Power Tools' is just up the road."  
"Thanks, ma'am," said DK, ducking out of the shop (he had had a bad incident with a door frame before).  
He walked along, trying to whistle or somersault or do something interesting to fill in the thirty five or so words that had to be written about his passage between that shop and the next.  
"Hello," he said at the next shop. "Is this 'Power Tools'?"  
"No, sir, this is 'Tower Pools'. We sell high quality tower pools for those tough occasions where tower is needed. They're very, _very_ towerful. What you want is that shop just yonder."  
Donkey Kong went over to the next store.  
"Hi. Is this 'Power Tools'?"  
"Sorry, miss… I mean mister…" the assistant looked at the tie. "Mister Duk. This is the 'Power Rangers' fan festival. They sell power tools just across the road; you'll see it."  
Donkey Kong crossed the road to get to the other side.  
"Morning, is this 'Power Tools'?"  
"Nope, this is 'Jim's Tow-away Service'. Though someone as strong as you probably won't need our services… take a brochure anyway."  
Donkey Kong walked further along.  
"Power Tools?"  
"Afraid not, this is 'Pepscike Dancing Girls Expose'. Would you like a dancing girl?"  
"No thanks," said Donkey Kong, backing away.  
"It comes with a free can of Pepscike!"  
"Really, no," said Donkey Kong, stepping over people as he walked backwards.  
"Just like damsels in distress!"  
"Ha! You think I really believe that? I know a kidnapped Princess when I steal one!"  
At the next shop, DK didn't have much luck either. Or the next. Or the next. After a couple of hours of searching, he gave up. Gloomily, he headed for a banana store. "Give me a couple of caffeinated bananas," he said to the assistant.  
"I'm sorry, sir, this is a power tool shop-"  
"NOTHING is going right today!" said Donkey Kong, throwing the assistant into a fire hydrant. "I'll just have to do the cutting myself."

When he got back to the Smash Mansion, Donkey Kong steeled his nerves. "I'll have to do this leaf removal with my bare hands," he grunted.  
"Why are you trying to get rid of all those leaves?" asked Marth.  
"It's autumn," explained DK. "They're _supposed_ to fall off."  
"Fair enough," said Marth, walking back to the Mansion.  
Donkey Kong turned his attention back to the guilty tree. "You have way too many leaves," he chastised.  
Grabbing the trunk with his bare hands, he ripped the tree out by the roots and shook it hard. "Oh yeah – what a work out!" he said. "This thing must be real heavy! Woah!"  
For a while, he shook the tree vigorously, checking every so often to see if the leaves were loose.  
_"Man this is hard work,"_ he thought.  
Looking up, he saw the leaves floating down to earth together.  
"How sweet," he said.  
He looked up again.  
Suddenly the leaves didn't look so serene; they looked like a slowly falling mass of DEADLY DEATH. The faint rustling sound sounded like a wave of… er… leaves CRUSHING A CITY AND LEAVING NOTHING IN ITS WAKE.  
"Uh oh," said Donkey Kong.  
He made a frantic dash for the front door. The wave of leaves closed in on him, an even as he was diving through the trees, through the door, and through Ness to escape them, he could feel a light touch as they just missed his back.  
Billions of leaves descended upon the Smash Mansion.  
All was dark.  
Okay, the electric lights still worked. But if they didn't, then all would be dark.

**--end flashback--**

"You really stuffed that one up, DK," said Ness. "I mean, couldn't you have at least brought the leaf blower back in here so we could clean up your mess?"  
"It's not my mess," said DK. "You wanna see my mess? Look at this." He produced a bundle.  
"Isn't that a diaper?" said Zelda. "What does- please excuse me for a moment."  
Zelda calmly walked out of the room before shrieking and making a mad dash for the nearest lavat- no, no, the nearest waste bin.  
"Well, now that we've established a setting and all, why don't we all go do our own things?" suggested Falco.  
Everyone went their own way, to perform various tasks, most of which are mundane, but some of which are funny. As this is a humour story, Theau Thor decided that these actions should be given special mention. But first:

_Jigglypuff and Pichu watched TV while they ate honey-roasted peanuts. Samus did the dishes._

And now - the funny part.

"Hi, Mario. Hi, Luigi," said Kirby cheerfully as he walked into the kitchen, licking a green lollipop. "What are you two doing?"  
"We are-a fixing the kitchen sink," said Mario.  
"Yes, the kitchen sink-a," confirmed Luigi.  
"Interesting," said Kirby as he finished off his the pink lollipop. "What's wrong with it?"  
"We're not-a sure," said Luigi. "That's why we're taking it apart-a, you know?"  
Kirby nodded. "That makes sense, I guess." He bit deep into the chocolate bar he was holding.  
"Yes-a," said Mario. "It doesn't seem to be doing anything wrong at all."  
"Oh, really?" said Kirby, digging his hand/paw/thing into his popcorn bag. "Then why take it apart?"  
Mario and Luigi looked at each other darkly. "It is the curse of the Italian plumber," said Luigi. "We cannot-a walk past anything with a pipe that works well without taking it apart so that it does-a not."  
"The curse of the Italian plumber?" said Kirby in awe, the rainbow lollipop dropping out of his hand. "_All_ Italian plumbers?"  
"No, just us Mario brothers," admitted Mario.  
"That line was included so to offend as few people as possible," said Theau Thor.  
"Not a bad-a idea," said Luigi. "But why cannot we call us, 'the Luigi brothers'?"  
"Because I'll pound-a your face," said Mario, waving a wrench in the air.  
"I'd best be off," said Kirby, licking the refrigerator as he carried it out. "See you around."  
"Bye!" said the Mario brothers as Kirby left the kitchen.  
They continued to dismantle the sink, all the pipes beneath it, and, as a precaution, the light bulbs in the vicinity.  
Link walked in.  
"Hey, Mario, Luigi, I thought that sink was okay," he said.  
"It is," explained Mario.  
"Then why- hey, where's the fridge?"  
The three men turned and gaped at the gaping gap gapping a gap between the kitchen bench and the poisons shelf.  
"Somebody has stolen-a the fridge!" yelled Mario.  
"Who could have done this?" said Link.  
Kirby walked past them, still carrying the fridge.  
"Maybe it was-a Kirby," suggested Luigi.  
"Of course!" said Mario. "The mystery has been solved by Mario! (1)"  
"I'll sound the alarm," said Link.

"ATTENTION, EVERYONE," blared Link's voice through a megaphone. "KIRBY HAS STOLEN THE FRIDGE FROM THE THIRD-FLOOR KITCHEN. IF YOU SEE KIRBY, BRING HIM AND THE FRIDGE TO US, ALIVE! YOU CAN KILL KIRBY, THOUGH."  
"Ooh, sounds exciting," said Zelda in a bored tone of voice, holding the broadsword at bheast height. Correction: chest height.  
"You don't think," said Samus. She sighed. "Okay, you were right, Zelda. It's impossible."  
"Of course it is," said Zelda, lunging in for the kill. She sliced the mannequin to tatters in seconds.  
"I was so sure, though," moaned Samus bitterly. "I mean, it doesn't sound hard at all, to apply makeup while wearing full body armour. But it is so hard."  
"Mm-hmm," said Zelda, firing a machine gun at the mannequin just to be on the safe side.  
She paused. "I thought you were smart, though, Samus. How on earth did you believe something as stupid as that? You didn't believe you-know-who?"  
"Falcon?"  
"No, the other idiot."  
Samus nodded. "I swear I'll go back to making my own decisions."  
"You'd better, or there'll be consequences," warned Zelda.  
"Yeah…"  
They were quiet for a while. The only sound one could here was the occasional rocket launcher fired at a dart board.  
"That person, though, you don't want to trust," said Zelda. "You'll end up stupid, like her."  
"Could someone let my neck out of this noose?" said Peach. "It's starting to hurt."  
"No," said Samus and Zelda together.  
"That's okay," said Peach. "I know! I'll pretend it's a game!"  
She smiled.  
"Hello, mister… uh… uh… uh… pear. Are you here to kidnap me? Ha! I'm hanging from this rope, so you can't take me away! Super duper kick!"  
She waved her arms and legs a bit.  
"I think we should go… elsewhere," said Samus. "For non-personal reasons."  
"Indeed," said Zelda. She whispered, "On the count of three. One… two…"  
They fled.  
Their footsteps echoed down the hall.  
"Ha! My super good social skills scared them away!" said Peach. "Take that, evil pear! Peach this! Ha! Hi-yah! Wah! Woah!"

Fox and Falco leapt from the stairwell to the table in the waiting room. "If we keep quiet, we should be able to take Kirby by surprise," said Fox. "I'll take bland purposeless room no. 369. You take empty room no. 32526. Meet at the main dining room."  
They split up and skulked down the corridors separately.  
Fox kicked open the door to a room and looked around quickly. Although there were a few drug lords, evil kings and dragon/aliens in the room, there was no sign of the pink fiend. He closed the door, and moved to the next.  
When he opened the door to the next room, he stopped completely. "You? But- but-"  
"But nothing," said Wolf O'Donnell, smiling. "Don't even think about it. You try to draw, I blow your head out with this phaser. If you have one."  
"Wha-?" said Fox.  
"If you _have_ a head," laughed Wolf. "Get it? It's a joke! Because it means you might not have a head for me to blow off! Ha ha ha…"  
Fox quietly closed the door before Wolf noticed and moved to the next room.  
"Nobody here," said the fridge in a high and squeaky voice. "Just Kir… _Kirmy_, the talking fridge."  
"Darn it," said Fox. "Okay, next room."  
As soon as he walked out, the fridge scampered out of the room and down the corridor.  
Or was it a fridge?  
Duh duh duh… (suspenseful orchestral riff here)

"Jig jig jig, jig…" hummed Jigglypuff as she carefully juggled the antique vases while balancing on an apple. "…jiggly jigglypuff! Jig jig jig, jig… jiggly jigglypuff!"  
Captain Falcon walked in. "Wow! Jigglypuff is jiggling! Eh… juggling."  
The shock of hearing her own name caused Jigglypuff to trip. The vases went flying for Captain Falcon's face.  
"NOOOOO!" screamed Captain Falcon as they shattered and split into millions of pieces, causing him **a small scratch**.  
Voices could be heard from below. "What was that?" "Did someone break the vases?" "Whoever did it is so dead…"  
Jigglypuff ran off to stare at her reflection, leaving Captain Falcon alone.  
Quickly, he stood up, and made a run for the back door, but too late – the others burst in.  
"Did you break the vase?" said Popo.  
"I think so," said Ganondorf.  
"Leave him alone with me," said Nana, struggling to maintain her 'not-a-bloodsucking-fiend' disguise as she walked over to Captain Falcon.  
The door closed.  
"AAAAAARRRRGGGGGH!" screamed Falcon. "I DIDN'T DO IT! IT WAS THAT PINK THING! JIGGLE! WHA- what's that? Oh no you don't. Please no. Not the ice axe. I don't want to die. I want children! OOOOWWWW-MMMPPHHH-OUCHOUCHOUCHOUCH!"

Peach was still kind of hanging from the ceiling when the fridge crept through the room.  
"Ooh, a walking fridge!" said Peach interestedly.  
Underneath the fridge, Kirby stopped. "Uh oh," he whispered.  
"Are you a magic fridge?"  
Kirby nodded, and the fridge moved with him to give the appearance that it was nodding.  
"Wow!" said Peach. "Praise be the animate fridge! Please cool all my food!"  
Somewhat bewildered by this response, Kirby put down the fridge and made himself known.  
Peach gasped. "Kirby! Are you the manifestation of the Forever Fridge?"  
"Uh… yeah?"  
"Wow…" Peach waved her arms and legs a bit. "Are you here to free me?"  
"No… I'm here to… er… refrigerate stuff… important stuff…"  
"Oh, okay!" said Peach, smiling. "I'll see you around, fridge!"  
"Yeah…" said Kirby, picking up the fridge and heading for the door. "Bye…"  
The fridge crashed into the ceiling, attracting the attention of everyone upstairs. "Oops," said Kirby, quickly waddling off before the others arrived.  
Peach continued to hang.  
Everyone else burst into the room. "Peach!" shouted Roy. "Was Kirby here?"  
"Kirby was actually the fridge," explained Peach knowingly.  
"Right. I understand. Perfectly." Roy turned away, making a weird face and gesturing towards Peach.  
"He's got to be around here somewhere!" shouted Young Link. "We'll find that fridge yet!"  
Nana ran in. "Sorry I took so long. Who would have thought the old man had so much blood in him – what are you all doing?"  
"We're continuing the manhunt. Or creampuffhunt. Dreamlanderhunt. Er… fridgehunt," said Young Link.  
"Oh, that's fine. If you find Kirby, can I rip his eyes out?"  
"I wanted to do that," said Zelda bitterly.  
"How about finders keepers?" said Samus.  
"You're on!" said Nana and Zelda. They and Samus rushed out of the room.  
The others stared after them.  
"Women," said Fox.  
"I'll never understand females," sighed Peach.  
"Right…" said Link. "That… makes sense…"  
Everyone tried to think of something else.  
"I know, let's find and kill Kirby!"  
They rioted their way out of the room.

Kirby knew it was only a matter of time until the inevitable occurred, and they found him. Trying to devise a new plan of action, Kirby realised there was only one sensible option.  
Starting up the stairs to the top floor of the mansion, Kirby moved silently, or as quietly as one could when carrying a refrigerator that continually bumped itself against the ceiling.  
He stopped at the top and entered the kitchen. The broken tap sent acid spraying around the walls, but at least nobody had beaten him here.  
Kirby set the fridge back down just as Link, Zelda and Ganondorf burst in.  
"I found him first!" yelled Zelda, pulling out her soft, gentle, caressing **DAGGER**.  
"It's a mistake!" yelled Kirby. "I didn't take the fridge!"  
"I saw it missing," said Link suspiciously.  
"Well, is it missing now?"  
"No," said Link. "I guess you can't have stolen it anyway."  
"MUST KILL ANYWAY!" shouted Zelda, running for Kirby, dagger raised.  
A jet of acid spewed forth from the tap and knocked her into a wall, unconscious.  
"Thank goodness for the unconventional plumbing habits of the Mario brothers," said Kirby solemnly.  
"Wait," said Ganondorf. "If the acid leaks through the ceilings, it might free Peach from the rope!"  
"OH NO!" they all shouted. "WHO WILL SAVE US NOW?"  
Wario and Waluigi burst in, fixed the taps, and left.  
"Well, now that that question's been answered, I'm going to eat some stuff," said Kirby, finishing off the red lollipop. And with that, he left the room.

And so the Smashers defeated the evil Crazy Han- wait, wrong chapter. And so the Smashers learned co-operation and that Kirby could never possibly steal a fridge. Ness also discovered how to wear his cap the right way round. And although they were still trapped (and hence there would be more room for future chapters) they at least were happy in the midst of it all.

Now give me money.

**Footnotes:  
**(1) …and Luigi.

If you find this style of writing vaguely humorous, you may also want to consider reading my other stories (surprise!). I'd also like to point out that my brother _hoogiman_ has a couple of decent humour stories (okay, maybe only one).  
Whether you like this story or not, I would appreciate reviews. I will accept random praise and constructive criticism, but if you give me a random negative review with no explanation I will find out where you live eventually. Oh, and have a nice day! Or night. Or, if you don't follow that system of time, enjoy life in general. If you aren't alive, I'd recommend you do something rather than read.


	2. The Soup Bowl Saga

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: The majority of the characters in this story are owned by Nintendo, the exception being Theau Thor, who is **not** a third-person representation of myself. I mean, seriously? Does "The-au-Thor" _look_ like my name to you?  
_"No, it doesn't."_  
Thank you. The writing herein is mine, unauthorised copying will result in death by kid's movies, etcetera ad infinitum.  
Now read this story.

**Chapter 2**

The Smash Brothers were still trapped in the Mansion by billions of leaves, and this would eventually lead to all sorts of consequences.  
For instance, they couldn't see the sun.

"PIKA PI PI PIKA CHUPI KACHU CHI CHU CHU!" screamed Pikachu, running around in circles. _"THE SUN HATES ME IT WON'T APPEAR HELP!"_  
"Now how am I supposed to get a tan?" complained Samus.  
"Why would you want to get a tan, and how would you do it?" interjected Ganondorf. "You never take off that full-body suit of yours; there really is no point. I have a better idea. Why-"  
Samus never heard Ganondorf's suggestion as the latter was suddenly attacked by a rabid Pikachu (literally rabid).

Another unhappy side effect of the siege was that fresh food was scarce, and also that food supplies were eventually going to run out. A few people decided that they had to try to organise and ration food.  
Zelda was taking inventories of the food. "We seem to be awfully low on anything that tastes good," she said to the volunteer chefs, "but we have enough soft-boiled asparagus spears to stab the population of Hyrule."  
Luigi, Fox and Marth whispered to each other. "We'll make something out of that," said Fox, motioning to the food. "Don't you worry."  
Mario, Falco and Roy walked by, laughing hysterically and pointing. "_Luigi/Fox/Marth can co-ok!_" they jeered.  
Luigi, Fox and Marth summoned the power of the **rolling pin** to knock their inconsiderate friends into the wall.

Some people were trying to reduce their food supplies, such as Kirby, who failed to convince Zelda that they had 'too many juicy apples', and Ness, who wanted to get all the sugar and fish for himself, and Kirby, who believed that they had 'too much raw chicken', and Donkey Kong, who demanded all the bananas, and Kirby, who said there were 'more toasted marshmallows than we need', and Samus, who wanted them to throw out all lollies, and Kirby, who observed an 'excess of peanut butter juice', and Falco, who demanded that they throw out the gutted parrots, and Kirby, who thought they had 'too many Smashers in here anyway', and – well, the list goes on.  
Some people were trying to **find** food, like… er… hmm… I dunno… wait for it… er… um… I'm thinking, okay?... maybe – no… ooh… ah… ee… Peach! Yeah… Peach.  
Peach was looking for food that Zelda and DK hadn't dragged to the master kitchen, and not just any kind of food – edible food! (Zelda had deemed parasols 'kind of hard to digest… yeah… I'll be going now…')  
Peach had looked **everywhere**! She had looked in her pockets, and her crown, and her dress, and her pillow, and her chest of drawers, and her bag of golf clubs, and even in the bin next to her secret fridge! But she hadn't found a single thing! Which was edible. Edible food.  
The Princess then decided to leave her bedroom, and check somewhere else. She spent several hours making an extensive search of the area underneath the floorboards as well as the soil beneath Nana's tulip garden. She then discovered a secret door.

**--begin lame writing style--**

Peach tehn went 2 teh door and opned it and insid she fownd a magicl lamm and the lamm told hr to find teh goldn ki.

**--end lame writing style--**

"What golden key?" said Peach.  
"It was a joke," said the lamb.  
"Oh, a joke!" said Peach. She laughed merrily. "Is it a funny joke?"  
"Yes," said the lamb.  
"Oh, how funny!" said Peach. She laughed merrily. "I don't get it."  
The lamb sighed. "What are you doing here?"  
"I'm looking for dried turnips. Or other delicious foods."  
"This room is empty," said the lamb. "I've been hiding here for years."  
"Oh," said Peach. Suddenly, something struck her.  
Something wasn't right about this.  
_What was it?_, she thought. The room? The colour of her dress? No… but perhaps!  
"Lambs don't talk!" exclaimed Peach in a sudden burst of intelligence.  
"Some of us do," said the lamb. "But we must hide, because you people are strange and murderous."  
"I'm not strange," sulked Peach.  
"Some of your friends are. There is a person in this mansion who tries to hack himself to death if you say 'triforce'."  
"Oh?"  
"And there's a robot thing that will blow you up if you say 'falcon'."  
"Wow?"  
"And…" the lamb's voice lowered. "There is a murderer in this house. You must avoid this person at all costs. But if the person finds you, don't say you-know-what or he'll go berserk. Into a murderous rage. Of murder."  
"What mustn't I say?" said Peach, reaching for her megaphone.  
"Don't repeat it out loud," said the lamb. "The phrase is _green pigeon soup bowl_."  
Peach turned on her megaphone.

"What I don't understand," said Link, "is how you found fresh lamb." He ate slowly.  
"I don't know," said Peach. "My memory is **a complete blank**."  
They were seated around the giant table at the dining hall.  
"I examined the lamb-a," said Mario. "It looked as if somebody had-a clubbed it to death with a megaphone in a murderous rage."  
Peach shrugged innocently. "My memory is **a complete blank**."  
"Hey," said Kirby to Donkey Kong. "Could you pass me that soup bowl? The one with the birds drawn on it?"  
"Wha- oh, the green pigeon soup bowl," said DK, picking up the bowl.

"Are you okay?" said Zelda the moment DK woke up.  
"Uh… what happened to me?"  
"The Princess went-a mad," said Mario. "Not Zelda," he added hastily as Donkey Kong bit his tongue. "I mean-a Princess Peach Toadstool."  
"Who?" said DK.  
"Peach."  
"_Oh_," said Donkey Kong. "_That_ Princess Peach Toadstool."  
"Incidentally, what-a happened to her?" said Mario.  
"I think they took her to the interrogation room," said Zelda.

"I didn't know this place had an interrogation room," said Bowser. He and Ganondorf exchanged greedy glances.  
"I'll never talk!" said Peach. "Uh… I _can't_ talk!" she lied.  
"You just did," said Young Link, charging the cattle prod.  
"Uh… I can't talk!" said Peach.  
Samus stood up, brushing some dust off her suit. "There's no way we can convince her that we don't want to hurt her?"  
"We don't want to hurt her?" said Young Link, Ganondorf, Pikachu, Pichu, Nana, Popo, Link, Bowser, Luigi, and Captain Falcon.  
"I thought we didn't," said Samus, confused.  
"Uh… I can't talk!" said Peach.  
"Baby," said Captain Falcon, performing a pelvic thrust, "it's okay if you're wrong. I'm wrong all the time!"  
Samus fired her charge beam at Falcon.  
"That stings," complained Falcon, crying.  
"On my signal," said Ganondorf to Bowser.  
"What are you up to?" said Link to Ganondorf and Bowser.  
"Uh… I can't talk!" said Peach.

Mario had gone up to talk to Peach, leaving Zelda and Donkey Kong alone.  
"Where'd Mario go?" said DK sleepily.  
"It's okay," said Zelda. "You're safe."  
DK looked at Zelda. "Yeah… I feel a bit better already."  
Zelda stroked DK's forehead with a gloved hand. "You can trust me. I'm a certified healer." She produced a phoney degree.  
"That's not real… but I don't care, strangely," said DK.  
_He's so big and strong_, thought Zelda. _And so brave… he doesn't seem to be worried about his wounds._  
_Such a sweet girl,_ thought DK. _This is the first time I've been alone in a room with a princess without getting out my kidnapping rope._  
"WTF r u doing hear?" said Theau Thor. "NO 2 PEEPL ALON IN A ROOM!"  
Donkey Kong got better and teleported to the kitchen. "That was random," he said.  
"Do you think there are too many apes in the mansion?" said Kirby.  
"Why, certainly," said Donkey Kong. "I mean NO! No! Nooooooooo-"

"What's that noise?" said Samus.  
Bowser froze to the spot, the club missing Link by about a centimetre. "Uh… I don't know. Don't. Know."  
"It sounded like a screaming unevolved primate wearing a tie," said Link, using his super hearing.  
"Donkey Kong," said Ness, as he realised that there was only one screaming unevolved primate wearing _a tie_ in the Mansion.  
"Let's go!" said Link. He, Ness, Mario and Falcon rushed to the source of the noise.  
There was silence in their wake.  
"So close…" mumbled Ganondorf angrily. "So close to killing him…"  
"What do we do know?" said Samus.  
"I brought cards," said Bowser.  
"You cheat at bridge," said Samus.  
"What about dominoes?" said Ganondorf, producing a box.  
Pikachu and Pichu nodded excitedly.  
"Uh… I can't talk!" said Peach.  
Ganondorf pulled out a sword.  
"You might be a dark magician," said Samus, snatching it from him, "but I bet you that I can torture Peach ten times better than you can."  
"Yeah, right," scoffed Bowser. "I'd beat you any day."  
Master Hand shouted, "I hereby declare a torture competition! Whoever causes Peach the most pain wins!"  
"Pika pi?" _"Where did you come from?"_  
"Well, you see… ah… hm… I'LL BE OFF, THEN! CARRY ON!" Master Hand left rather hastily.

When Link and Falcon first reached the master kitchen, they saw a horrifying scene.  
"Must eat… Kong!" said Kirby, trying to wriggle free from Zelda's iron grip.  
"You tried to kill DK!" cried Zelda in a rage. "Why kill someone so intelligent and subtle and good-looking and pink?"  
Donkey Kong was huddled in a corner, holding a large cooking pot over his head.  
Kirby reached for a frying pan and inhaled it to become COOK KIRBY!  
He cooked an egg and ate it.  
He cooked an egg and ate it.  
He **boiled** an egg and ate it.  
"Boiled eggs?" said Zelda. "You _like_ boiled eggs?"  
"No," said Kirby. "But I've distracted you!" He grabbed a lollipop and ran out of the room at full speed.  
"Are you two okay?" said Captain Falcon as Link unsuccessfully made a grab for Kirby. "I think you two are okay. Especially DK."  
Captain Falcon realised what he had said.  
"No! I mean, you're okay, but Link is better! No! I didn't say that you're hot! Zelda, you look ghastly. I DIDN'T MEAN THAT! Are you okay, Donkey Kong, you poor little – NO! IT'S A LIE!"  
Everyone backed out of the room slowly.  
"I hope they didn't hear that," said Captain Falcon to himself.

Falco and Fox were playing the official Pokemon trading card game when Ness and Mewtwo walked in.  
"You're playing the official Pokemon trading card game?" said Ness.  
"So what?" said Falco.  
"_That game sucks, no offence,_" thought Mewtwo.  
"Any better ideas?" Falco jeered.  
"_How about four-way RSP?_"  
"I thought rock scissors paper was a two player game," said Fox.  
"_Being a super genius Pokemon and far superior to you humanoid fools, I think it's safe to say that I am perfectly capable of turning it into an engaging four player experience._"  
"You stole my idea!" said Ness.  
"_Did not._"  
"My psychic powers tell me otherwise."  
"_My psychic powers tell me that you have no friends._"  
"He lies!"  
Everyone kind of looked at each other a bit.  
"_Okay,_" thought Mewtwo. "_Here are the rules:  
_"_Play is organised with four players standing in a diamond/square formation. Play will begin by a player being designated as the primary player. A random other player will be designated the secondary player. The function of the primary and secondary players is to judge while the other two players compete against each other in a game not unlike rock-scissors-paper. They will then rotate around in concentric circles until a player stops. The first player who stops then must perform a variant of a Latin back insert, which will include-_"  
"They're asleep," pointed out Ness.  
"_My intelligence must have overwhelmed them._"  
"But you didn't notice."  
"_Did too._"  
"Did not."  
"_Did too._"  
"Using my mind-reading powers, I sense that you're lying."  
"_Mind-read this!_" Mewtwo psychically slapped Ness.  
Ness' hands clenched into fists. He psychically hit Mewtwo.  
Mewtwo psychically kicked Ness in the "OKAY THAT'S ENUF U IDIOTZ" said Theau Thor. "I DONT LIK TIS STORI ANI MOAR"  
Ness and Mewtwo shot angry looks at Theau Thor.  
"Oh well," said Ness.  
"_Let's go make Young Link think he's a seagull,_" said  
Mewtwo.  
"Last one there is slower!" said Ness. They ran/teleported out of the room.

Ness and Mewtwo were too late, however. Jigglypuff had already used her magical hypnotising marble collection to convince Young Link that he wasn't a seagull but a – falcon!  
"I'm a falcon!" said Young Link, running around the room in circles trying to bite small rodents, such as bats. And Pikachu. And Captain Falcon, who is a kind of figurative rodent.  
"Jig jiggly iggly piggily puff jug piff!" _"Now hunt the Bowser, birdie! Hunt the big Koopa!"_  
"Can we escape?" said Captain Falcon to Pikachu, calculating the distance to the door of the room.  
"Kichupa pa chuki kipichi ku chu ki, ka pik pika chu!" _"No way, if we take three steps Young Link will try to bite our eyes out."_  
"I don't understand Pokemon," said C Falcon. "But judging by the way you're shaking your head, motioning for me to come back, and giving me a thumbs down, I'd say that you said 'yes'."  
Pikachu covered his eyes.  
"Here goes nothing… woah! Argh! Ouch! NO! DON'T BITE MY EYES! MY PRECIOUS EYES! How will I ever look at pictures of Link NOT THAT I WANT TO um bite me somewhere else! Oh. Shoot. Not there. Please no. NO DON'T BITE ME THERE I'M WARNING YOU I WANT TO HAVE BABIES LIKE YOU DO DON'T DO IT ARRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHMYPRECIOUSNNNMMMMMMPPPHHHRTEHFHHIRWYRHTJRIEFJHIJHIJSHUHIIJNJIHNhoogi. took advantage of Captain Falcon's selfless, selfish sacrifice to escape Jigglypuff and her vicious puppet, Young Link.

"Well, looks as if I win!" said Samus.  
"What do you mean?" said Nana. She had joined the game late.  
"Didn't you see it?" said Samus. She appealed to the others. "You saw it, didn't you?"  
"I hate to say it, but Peach _did_ stop smiling for a second," said Ganondorf. "That trick with two steaming hot bars on opposite sides along with the acid in the mouth – well, I'd never have thought of it."  
"Bounty hunting teaches you all kinds of useful things," said Samus modestly.  
"I'll beat that," said Nana.  
"What are you gonna do?" said Bowser.  
"Same thing, except frozen icicles instead of the iron bars. And I'll set fire to Peach's head at the same time."  
"Not too original," said Samus, "but smart. Say, Nana, have you considered a professional career as a bounty hunter?"  
"Sounds boring."  
"A.k.a. a career as a hit-man?"  
"Oh!" said Nana. "I've thought about it." She inserted the icicles.  
Samus nodded. "You seem well suited for the job. I bet you're not afraid to kill."  
"I'm not." Nana set Peach's hair alight.  
"I'll get some pamphlets over to you. It's a great career choice, I can tell you – there we go."  
Peach momentarily stopped smiling.  
Then she smiled again.  
"How long?" said Nana.  
Bowser smiled. "Two point four six seconds. _Exactly_ the same as Samus."  
Nana raised her eyebrows. "Sure that's not point four _seven_?"  
"I'm sure," said Bowser.  
Nana picked up the red-hot iron bars.  
"I'm not so sure," said Bowser.  
"You think Peach would have revealed to us by now why she went mad," said Ganondorf.  
Hearing her name, Peach suddenly did something very smart – she responded!  
"Uh – I can't talk!" said Peach.  
"She's thinking again," said Nana.  
"Wha-?" said Peach.  
"Why did you hurt Donkey Kong?" said Ganondorf.  
"He said…" Peach started to cry – "he said 'green pigeon soup bowl'!" She burst into tears.  
"So you attacked him?"  
"The soup bowl wouldn't-" Peach fell silent.  
"What?" said the others.  
"Does it matter?" said Peach. "I feel much better now."  
"You won't kill any more people?"  
Peach shook her head, smiling.  
"Green pigeon soup bowl," said Nana.  
Peach continued to smile.  
"Well, we'd better tell the others," said Bowser.  
One by one, they left the room, leaving Peach alone to smile quietly to herself.  
"The bowl," she muttered inanely.  
"**_Good work,_**" said the floating soup bowl. "**_You have kept our talks secret, haven't you, pretty?_**"  
Peach nodded.  
"**_Now I'll need you to get rid of the kitchen utensils. You will have to be very careful. Do you understand?_**"  
"Yes Mister Green Pigeon Soup Bowl," said Peach through the megaphone.  
"**_Shut up!_**" said the soup bowl, vanishing.  
And in the darkness, the princess smiled once more.  
Then all was silent. Perhaps – perhaps too silent.

Now shower me with praise before I shower you with spam. Yes, that means you.  
PRAISE, I TELL YOU!

Mewtwo is a caaaat… Kitty caaaat… Buy… green pigeon soup bowl… read the lines…


	3. Mewtwo decides to save the world for a c...

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: I don't disclaim anything, as I never claimed anything to begin with, aside from the fact that the wrath of Theau Thor will come upon you if you don't review this story. Flame if you want. But review it.

**Chapter 3**

And now for the annual Zelda Tries To Cook scene…  
"Okay," said Zelda. "Lots of salt, because everyone wants salt. Same thing with sugar, pepper and flour."  
"Right," said Peach, moving to the other end of the kitchen. "All the salt, sugar, pepper, and a flower."  
"Not 'a flower', Peach, _flour_!"  
"That's what I said," said Peach, grabbing some daisies from a vase. "A bunch of flowers."  
Zelda crossed the kitchen, and kicked Peach in the stomach. She picked up a bag of flour. "This sort of flower! Honestly, do you have _any_ idea about cooking?"  
Peach clutched her stomach, and put the flowers back in the vase.  
"Right," said Zelda. "_Are you listening?_"  
"Didn't we have this same conversation a few months ago?" said Peach.  
"Was that a sign of intelligence?" said Zelda. "Wow!"  
"Was that a reference to Summer Days?" said Theau Thor. "You fool! I've been trying to establish that this isn't a sequel and then Peach comes along and spoils it all!" He ran into a corner, crying. "Smite you!"  
"Smile me?" said Peach. "What did the nice person say?"  
"Doesn't matter," said Zelda. "Dump all of our excess soft-boiled asparagus spears into the pot while you're there."  
"Whacha cooking?" said Kirby, waddling into the room.  
"It's a surprise," said Zelda.  
"We don't know," said Peach.  
Zelda kicked Peach in the leg. "What are you doing in the kitchen, Kirby? We only arrived here this morning and you've already ransacked the place twice, once each chapter."  
"Chapter?" said Kirby. "Isn't that a Mexican delicacy?"  
"Maybe," said Zelda. "Hey, that's an idea! Mexican! Peach, put… I don't know, Mexican food in the pot."  
"Weren't Fox and Luigi and Marth going to cook?" said Kirby.  
"They're busy playing a four-way rock paper scissors tournament."  
"Four-way? Is that possible?" said Kirby.

"Three. Two. One. GO!"  
Fox, Falco, Luigi and Marth shot out their hands at lightning speed.  
"Rock, paper, paper, rock," said Fox. "Luigi and Falco score 2 each."  
"I'm betting the next one is a four-way scissors," said Mario.  
"You're on," said Captain Falcon, slapping down a ten-million-dollar note.  
The next one was a four-way scissors.  
"Why do I always lose money?" complained Captain Falcon.  
"Probably because you gamble too much," suggested Link. "You know, gambling is a serious problem for all kind of people. Nobody is immune. If you think that gambling is causing you money problems, then I suggest that you reconsider what you're doing with your income."  
"He's no fun since he joined the official government **S**ponsored (and **P**artially **A**mended) **M**essages advisory board," said Marth.  
"No fun?" said Captain Falcon. "I bet two hundred that Link _is_ fun. Not that I mean it in that sense. Not that I'd think of that!"  
"He's not fun," said Mario, taking the two hundred.  
Link nodded. "That's because the organisation I work for is funded by the government. If you want some cheap income and also want to feel as if you're making a difference, join **SPAM**. I guarantee you that it's no fun!"

Kirby went over to the fridge and got out the pile of 47826 carrots. "This is heavy."  
"Well, I _did_ warn you when you offered to help," said Zelda. "You okay there, Peach?"  
Peach collapsed under a cartload of peaches. "I'm not so sure any more," she said.  
"Zelda, you help her. I'll put the carrots in," said Kirby, straining with the weight of 4782 carrots.  
"Thanks, Kirby," said Zelda. "I'm glad that you're here. We can really use an extra hand-"  
Peach tried to cut off her hand.  
"-but not as food."  
"Oh," said Peach.  
Zelda shook her head in amazement. "Peach, Peach, Peach." To Kirby: "Just don't eat up all the food. This has to feed everyone in the mansion."  
"I can't possibly eat all 478 carrots," said Kirby, nearing the pot.  
"Watch out for that brick!"  
Kirby stopped in the nick of time and did a three point turn, half juggling the 47 carrots to regain his balance.  
"Wow. Sooo strong," said Peach. "Are you a **superhero**?" She said this, by the way, in a voice that was **SO SWEET THAT IF YOU HEARD IT YOU'D PROBABLY WANT TO RIP OFF SOMEBODY'S HEAD, SUCH AS PEACH, WHO, AS WE JUST LEARNT, WAS SPEAKING IN A SICKENINGLY SWEET VOICE WHICH DRIPPED OF OVER-SATURATED HONEY**.  
Kirby covered his ears, dropping the 4 carrots in the process.  
"Watch it," said Zelda.  
Kirby picked up the 0 carrots and dumped them into the pot. "That was hard," he said.  
"You need more exercise," said Peach brightly, as she strained to carry the kernel of corn over to the pot.  
"Now that's irony," said Theau Thor.  
"Iron this!" said Peach, revealing her rocket-propelled-turnip launcher.

"I'm getting a weird psychic signal," said Ness. "It would seem that somebody has already gotten to Young Link! And… oh no."  
"_I sense it too!_" said Mewtwo.  
They reached the main dining hall and stopped in horror.  
Young Link was running around in circles on top of the dining table, flapping his arms wildly. "I'm a falcon!" he cried.  
"Who could have brainwashed him so efficiently?" said Ness.  
"_It must have been done with outside help,_" said Mewtwo.  
Somebody standing at the doorway coughed.  
The two of them spun around.  
"_But- but - _" stammered Mewtwo.  
Jigglypuff smiled brightly. "Jigglypuff!" she observed. Translated: _"Jigglypuff!"  
_"You," said Ness. "But you're not psychic! How are you messing with Young Link's mind?"  
Jigglypuff danced around a bit.  
"_I can't read her mind. There's too much – stupidity?_"  
"Weird," said Ness.  
Jigglypuff produced her enchanted trance-inducing marble collection.  
"_No!_" thought Mewtwo.  
Jigglypuff waved the enchanted trance-inducing marble collection in their faces.  
"So… boring…" said Ness. "I'm feeling… so sleepy…"  
"_You have to resist it,_" said Mewtwo. "_You have the strength of will, Ness. You can do it!_"  
"I am… a chicken…" said Ness.  
"_Possibly I was wrong,_" said Mewtwo.  
"Jig jiggly… juh jijup!" _"You are… a chicken!"_  
"I am… a chicken!" said Ness.  
"_I'll just be going now, then,_" said Mewtwo, backing away.  
The moment he was out of sight, he teleported as far away as possible. And before you ask why he couldn't teleport out of the Mansion, he was scared of teleporting past leaves. There. That makes sense. And it covers up the plot holes. Bad, bad plot holes. We won't be seeing _those_ holes any time soon.

"Hey," said Fox. "This game isn't fun."  
"Yeah," said Marth. "I just realised that."  
"Me too," said Falco.  
"And me-a," added Luigi hastily.  
"Isn't it all odd that we've realised the exact same thing at more or less the exact same time?" said Fox.  
"Yes," said Mario.  
They kept on playing.

Samus, Peach and Bowser were near the end of a deep, enlightening conversation.  
"So I _didn't_ come from a flying fridge?" said Peach.  
"That's right," said Samus. "You came from your mother."  
"Then where does this photo of the flying fridge come from?"  
Bowser and Samus examined the aforementioned photograph.  
"Peach," said Bowser, "that's not a photo. That's a drawing. With your name on it. And to the top-right corner, you can see a – talking soup bowl?"  
Peach ripped it out of their hands. "There is no talking soup bowl!" she said. "It's all a lie! Lie! You're liars! Like me! Now, I have to go to the soup bowl. I mean, to the kitchen. No soup bowls. _No_ soup bowls."  
Bowser and Samus exchanged weird looks.  
Peach ran off, managing to trip over her skirt at a rate of four times per second.  
Bowser and Samus exchanged weird looks. "She's mental," observed Bowser.  
"Probably because you keep kidnapping her," chastised Samus. "Do you have any idea what that can do to a person's psych?"  
"Oh, no!" said Bowser, thinking quickly. "She was always that stupid."  
"Quite possible," Samus conceded. "But you really should lay off the evil activities. Why not do something _good_ once in a while?"  
"Good, eh?" said Bowser, musing. "That's an interesting idea… by 'good', you mean 'not evil', right?"  
"Exactly."  
"That's – original. I'll have to think about that." He yawned. "Samus…"  
"Yes?"  
"You think I'm a – a nice guy, don't you?"  
"I guess… where are you going with this?"  
"And – and would you say that I'm a person you like to be with?"  
"Kind of… what's the point of-"  
"Samus! I love you. I really do."  
Samus' heart stopped for a moment. After what seemed like an eternity, she said, "Really?"  
"Yeah."  
"And you're aware that I'm female."  
"Wha-?"  
"I know you're attracted to Captain Falcon."  
Bowser shook his head vigorously.  
"And vice versa."  
"UNTRUE!" shouted Captain Falcon, emerging from under the table. "I like human women! Like you! How dare you suggest that I like Bowser? She's not even my species!"  
"He's a guy," said Samus.  
"Oooooh. I seee. That. Explains. A. Lot." Captain Falcon turned around and saw Bowser's face which was even less of a pretty sight than usual.  
"_You_," said Bowser ominously.  
"Me?" said Falcon meekly.  
"Bye," said Samus, locking the door behind her.  
Captain Falcon gulped.  
Bowser moved in closer.  
"Oh shOCKINGLY PAINFUL HELP ME PLEASE NOOOOOOMMMMPPPPHH NOT MY ABILITY TO PROCREATE OH NO WHY ME I'M SORRY THAT I DIDN'T REALISE THAT YOU WERE A GUY CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME FOR IT? OUWWW I GUESS NOT HNOEWTFRJIGRHEIGJHTRIT$RRJEIJEIGJRGIEDJKGFSFJEW$$$$$$$whydon'tyoujointhearmy?$$$$$GDFGIJgRUEIRTU?GHSiWHATTHEFORKTREWTREHI," said Captain Falcon.  
Bowser broke into tears. "No wonder you never responded to my advances," he said.  
"Yeah," said Captain Falcon. "If you had told me you were also a guy I'd – hey! Am I implying that I'm-"  
"Am I upset because I'm-"  
"AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!" they both screamed, trying to break through the wall. "HELP!"

"You're back, Peach," said Zelda. "Could you add those pointy eggshell fragments to the broth?"  
"Don't too many cooks spoil the broth?" said Kirby.  
"I just _said_, I only put four in!"  
"I don't like the taste of cook. It tastes like I might not be able to eat there again."  
"What?" said Zelda.  
"Like when you've eaten the head chef of a restaurant and you know you won't be able to get good food there again, at least for a while?"  
"Oh, I know the feeling," said Zelda. "Once, while I was in my sheik disguise, I accidentally killed all my friends and mentors."  
Kirby discreetly backed away.  
"Luckily, I woke up and discovered it was a dream."  
Kirby relaxed.  
"Then I woke up and realised I was only dreaming that it was a dream. It was real!"  
Kirby gasped and discreetly backed away.  
"Then I woke up and realised that it was a dream after all."  
"Let's talk about something else," said Kirby.  
"Uh… you wanna hear my electric lute?"  
"Yes, please," nodded Kirby.  
"**Then add ingredients, slave!**"  
Kirby and Peach stared, wide-eyed.  
"I meant, please. Instead of 'slave'," corrected Zelda.  
Peach stared, wide-eyed.  
"You've had that wide-eyed look on your face ever since you came back in," said Kirby.  
"I wasn't dropped down from a flying fridge," said Peach quietly.  
"Ri-ight," said Zelda. "Kirby! We need more cement mix!"  
"I'll be right back," said Kirby, heading out of the room and towards the indoor tool cupboard.  
When he got there, Donkey Kong was shaking his head in shame.  
"What's up, DK?" said Kirby, pick-pocketing a few bananas.  
"If I had known this was here!" said DK. "We wouldn't be stuck in the Smash Mansion if I wasn't so stupid!"  
"I'm sure that you aren't really stupid," said Kirby. "I bet _all_ apes are as smart as you!"  
"Are you insulting me?" said DK.  
"I don't know," said Kirby, shrugging. He turned his attention to the cement bags. "Can anyone tell the difference between wet cement and bricks?"  
"Don't know," said DK. "Although I can't see what difference – Zelda is cooking tonight, isn't she."  
"May-be," said Kirby, grabbing the cement bags and running off, humming the Green Greens tune. "La la la… I CAN'T HEAR YOU… tra la la…"

As you may have noticed, this story sucks. Live with it. The story does not, however, suck as much as Captain Falcon and Bowser's encounter, which led them to running around the house in circles, screaming and changing direction each time they encountered one another. They proceeded to do this until they stopped from exhaustion. This took, perhaps – someone give me a number. Surd one hundred and twenty? Okay. This took them surd one hundred and twenty minutes, which is roughly eleven, but sounds as if I'm a lot more intelligent than I really am. Certainly more than Captain Falcon was.  
You see, Captain Falcon was now running from his own shadow.  
"AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGH!" he screamed. "MY OWN SHADOW!" He ran further along, past Nana and Popo.  
"What is up with him?" said Popo.  
"I don't know, idiot. What's up with Ness and Link Jr.?" whispered Nana.  
"His name is Young Link," said Popo, "and I have no idea. They've gone mad. Ness was clucking like a chicken. What do we do?"  
"You don't think that they're being mind controlled or something, do you?"  
Popo shrugged. "I don't know. But we've got to keep a low profile. If they find us, who knows what will happen?"  
"Are you saying I don't know what's going to happen?" whispered Nana.  
"Do you?"  
"Quiet!" she hissed. "Are you trying to make me look like an idiot?"  
"Well-"  
"DON'T ANSWER BACK!" screamed Nana.  
Ness and Young Link appeared on either side of the Ice Climbers.  
"Now you've done it," said Nana.  
Jigglypuff emerged. "Jig jiggly iggy, jig jilly jig juh piggly piff jug juffu juhp juggly iijly iggly!" _"Now, I will brainwash the last of the children! And after that, taking over the world will be as easy as accidentally driving a nail through my head, like I did three minutes ago!"_  
"What do we do?" said Popo.  
"Oh, so _now_ you ask me."  
"I asked you a minute ago."  
"Shut up," threatened Nana, omitting to actually use a threat.  
Jigglypuff revealed her deadly, dastardly, enchanted trance-inducing marble collection.  
"What is that piece of _how bo-oring_. I'm feeling sleepy already…" said Nana.  
"Jig jig jig…" _"Very sleepy…"  
_"Very sleepy…" said Nana.  
"Oh no!" said Popo. "Stop listening to Jigglypuff, Nana! She's trying to brainwash you! And who knows who she'll do then!"  
"Jig jiggly, Juju!" _"Shut up, Popo!"  
_"Shut up, Popo!" Nana said.  
Popo backed away further, then turned around and saw that Young Link was blocking his path. "Young Link! You're not really that weak. You can break free of the evil influence of that overly-cute and slightly cheap Pokemon!"  
"I am… a pencil…"  
"Maybe you _are_ that weak," conceded Popo. "But there's still hope! We can work together; find a way to save ourselves. Don't listen to the ball of puff, Nana!"  
"Must listen to the ball of puff… must listen to the ball of puff…"  
"Oh, for goodness' sake," said Popo. "This is ridiculous. I thought you people were strong. But you're all **weaklings**! Like, admittedly, me."  
Jigglypuff turned her full attention to Popo, smiling innocently.  
"Oh, please no," said Popo.  
Jigglypuff continued to advance, waving her enchanted trance-inducing marble collection.  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Popo. "SOMEBODY HELP!"

"Do I hear screaming?" said Zelda.  
"Might be hunger," said Kirby, licking his lips.  
"True," said Zelda. "This broth is going to be deli-cious!" She turned to Peach. "It doesn't matter, Peach. Golf ones will do."  
"But you said high-heeled!" wept Peach.  
"It's not that important, my friend," consoled Zelda. "Now put them into the pot."

"Do I hear screaming?" said Fox.  
"Ha!" said Falco. "It's a three-one win!"  
"No it's not-a," said Mario. "Scissors beat paper."  
Marth cursed. "So I guess that's three to you, Fox."  
"Rematch?" said Falco.  
"You bet," said Marth.  
"Shouldn't we be trying to save that person in distress?" said Fox.  
"But we're having fun!" said Marth.  
"Completely true," said Link, stepping forward. "The most important thing you can do with your life is to enjoy yourself. People who don't enjoy their lives end up having never accomplished anything that anyone would care about, generally as country singers or lawyers. Don't let that happen to you; I've been paid to make you do something worthwhile."  
"Completely true," said the flying fridge, making its way towards the entrance hall. "Completely spiffingly interestingly amazing oddly funnily true."

"Do I hear screaming?" growled Bowser.  
"I dunno," said Captain Falcon. "Wait! It's you!"  
"Eek!" said Bowser, jumping back.  
"And it's me!"  
"Eek!" repeated Bowser, jumping further back.  
"Who can possibly save us now?" said Captain Falcon, hiding in a box.  
"Wait… why do we need to be saved?" said Bowser in confusion.  
"Thanks, Bowser," said Captain Falcon. "My index finger is feeling much better already! I owe it all to you." He beamed gratefully.  
"What?" said Bowser.  
"ARGH! I take it back! I take it back! I FEEL NO EMOTIONS TOWARDS YOU! Lies! They're all lying to me! And you!"

Popo backed against the wall. "Oh, please no," he mumbled, as Jigglypuff advanced further. "Why do the stupid ones have to be bent for world domination?"  
Theau Thor stepped inside. "Just a quick note, folks: I agree; Jigglypuff is a horrible choice for villain. But this is a _humour_ story. It's supposed to be funny. The little thing on Jigglypuff's forehead is funny. Hence I chose Jigglypuff. If you want to go back to seeing Ganondorf as the almighty villain, you'll have to wait until the next chapter. **Not** that I'm giving anything away. I'm going to have to completely replan it now. Wait, I can use the backspace key!notworking"  
"Jiggly piggly iggy giggly giggle puff!" said Jigglypuff. _"I consider this situation to be jiggly piggly iggy giggly giggle puff!"  
_"Right…" said Popo. "PLEASE! I need help!"  
"_I'm here,_" thought Mewtwo, gliding noiselessly into the room.  
Jigglypuff spun around to face the new annoyance. If she was capable of being anything other than stupidly happy, she might have become furious. Instead, she continued to be stupidly happy.  
"She's being stupidly happy," observed Popo.  
"_I know,_" said Mewtwo. "_There's only one way to fix this._" He strode over to the wall and opened a window.  
Upon seeing the window, Jigglypuff reacted by reflex. She dropped the marbles and fled the room. Via the window. And fell. Out of the window.  
"That was clever!" said Popo. "How did you know she'd do that?"  
"_It was a running gsagagrithojh85uiogjreoih234ut89eiotje forget it,_" said Mewtwo. "_Just rest assured that with her temporarily incapacitated, our little friends here will be normal again in no time._"  
"Wait!" said Popo. "The window is open, right?"  
"_Yes…_"  
"And there are leaves surrounding the house, just waiting to flood in."  
"_Yes…_"  
"And they could come in through the window."  
"_They won't._"  
"How do you know?"  
"_Simple; there's a perfectly logical explanation._"  
"Which is?"  
"_Let me see…_"  
Mewtwo stood, deep in thought.

_A while later…  
_Mewtwo shrugged, admitting defeat. "_Okay, maybe there isn't._"  
"Ha! I was right!" said Popo.  
"_I'll just close the window then,_" said Mewtwo.  
"But how can you close the window – if there is no window?"  
"_No!_"

"The window does not exist," said Peach slowly. "Not."  
"I can see it," said Kirby.  
"Are you sure?" she whispered ominously.  
"Yep."  
"Oh. Okay, then."  
"Bye!" said Kirby, leaving.  
"Mysterious…" said Peach.  
"I've finished cooking it!" said Zelda. "It's time."  
"Yes it is," said the flying fridge. "Yes it is."  
"I know it's you, Pikachu," said Zelda. "You can come out."  
Pikachu emerged from the flying fridge. "Pika pi chpi chipika chap chiki?" _"How did you know that it was me?"  
_"Simple," said Zelda. "My magical crown told me so."  
"_My_ magical crown is **shiny**!" said Peach.  
"Yeah…" said Zelda, pushing Peach out of the room and down the staircase. "You do that… for a while…"


	4. The Race for Local Domination!

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: Look! I'm not putting a weak joke in my disclaimer! See what a good person I am? Now review me!

It's not working, is it?  
Oh well; I own none of the characters except for Theau Thor; I have been told the rest were kidnapped by Nintendo one dark night. And… er… it was a really, really dark night.

**Chapter 4**

It was night time, and everyone was seated around the table to eat dinner/tea/supper/their night-time meal/brunch/a snack.  
"Is it customary to say grace here?" said Zelda.  
"Go ahead," said Marth graciously.  
"Grace," said Zelda.  
"Could we level down the noise?" said Fox. "I can't hear myself think in here."  
"There was only one person speaking," interjected Zelda.  
"Oh. Perhaps I'm not thinking."  
"He doesn't think," said Falco.  
"That would explain a lot," said Zelda.  
"Let's dig in!" shouted Ness, Kirby, Yoshi and the local grocery delivery man at the same time.  
Luigi took a bite. "Princess Zelda, would-a you have cooked-a this?"  
"How did you know?" said Zelda eagerly.  
"It's a little… er…" Luigi remembered that Zelda's sheik disguise was quite realistic, especially with that side-splitting splitting side kick. (I love doing that.)  
"Well," said Samus, "the last time you tried cooking stuff, absolutely nobody liked the taste. You know…"  
"I've been meaning to ask," said Popo. "I've never seen you take that suit off in front of us, Samus. How do you eat like that?"  
"It's not true!" shouted Samus, firing a few power missiles and then shooting the blue door, avoiding the space dragons as she bomb-jumped her way out of the room.  
"What just happened?" said Captain Falcon. "Where'd the babe go?"  
"I found a foot in my bowl!" said Peach brightly.  
Everyone aside from Zelda and Peach cast a disgusted look at the stew.  
"That's where it went," said Zelda. "It has magical properties. If you hit someone with it, they go down."  
"Wow…" said Peach.  
"I suddenly don't want to know what the dressing on the steak is," said Falco, standing up.  
"It's not steak, it's, well – you know that guy who got skewered alive last year?"  
"I'm leaving," said Falco, departing.  
"The food is fine," said Peach.  
"Is that an eyeball?" said Nana. "Come on, Popo, we're going." She bodily grabbed Popo and ran out of the room, ignoring his screams.  
"Is that a hammer?" said Link.

The room suddenly seemed rather empty.  
"Where did everyone go?" said Peach.  
"They just don't understand the culinary arts," explained Zelda.  
"Why aren't you eating the food we cooked?"  
"Because you're an idiot," said Zelda.  
"Okay," said Peach brightly in a voice which, if one heard it, might cause you to **RIP YOUR HAIR OUT AND TRY TO KILL HER TO SILENCE HER AND STOP THAT DREADFUL NOISE WHICH ALREADY WOULD BE POISONING YOU MIND AND SOUL AND CONSIDERING THE HIGH FREQUENCY BODY AS WELL**.  
"Quiet!" said Kirby. "I'm trying to eat!" He inhaled all of the salad off everyone else's plate.  
Kirby made a quick scan of the room. "Any other easily-digestible stuff here?"  
"'Fraid not," said Zelda, standing up and straightening her dress. "Though-"  
"-I could try the kitchen," said Kirby. "I know, I know."  
"Don't you have enough food of your own?" said Young Link, returning. "I saw the suitcases you brought here-"  
"That's not true!" said Kirby. "I brought clothes!"  
"You don't wear clothes," pointed out Young Link.  
"Uh… what you saw was actually… props. For a play. About food and stuff."  
"You don't act."  
"Fine," said Kirby. "You've found me out, you sleuth. I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids and your dinosaur!"  
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi yoshi!" _"I did not search your room for food. I told you; I was looking for – what did I tell you? Hmm… clothes."  
_"You don't wear clothes," pointed out Kirby. "But that's okay. We can catch live people! Together. As friends."  
"Yoshi yoshi, yoshi." _"Yeah, that is what friends are for, Kirby."  
_"No problem, Yoshi. Hmm…" he looked at Young Link… "Young Link, could you please close your eyes? And lend us that large blacksmith's anvil?"  
Young Link shrugged. "Okay, after all, you are- hey, wait! Are you trying to eat me or something, Kirby? Huh? Is that what you want with me?"  
"Nooooo…" said Kirby, exchanging glances and forty winks with Yoshi. "What on earth makes you think that the ever-hungry Dreamlander and the notoriously large-stomached quasi-dinosaur creature would want to eat someone as tender – _emotionally_ tender – as you?"  
"The knives and forks that you're both holding?"  
"Valid point," conceded Kirby. "What if I told you that they were… toys. For a game involving you closing your eyes and knocking yourself out with an anvil."  
"Oh," said Young Link. "I guess that that would be okay. If… you don't play with toys!"  
"Who told you such 'lies'?" said Kirby, as he and Yoshi advanced upon Young Link. "That's completely… untrue!"  
Young Link gulped and pulled out his miniature sword. "I'm not afraid of you two," he boasted, waving the sword here and there in front of his face.  
"Sure…" said Kirby. "Not…" He opened his mouth and inhaled Young Link's sword to become – SWORD KIRBY! (And it comes complete with a green peasant outfit. Coincidence? I think not.)  
"Hey!" said Kirby. "This is my sword costume! I want my Young Link costume!"  
Young Link only had seconds to make a move.

"Hey, Zelda," said Marth as Zelda left the dining hall.  
"Wha- oh, hi Marth," she replied. "What are you doing here at this time?"  
"Aw… just, I dunno, wandering around," said Marth. "Say, Zelda, could you do me a little favour, for a friend?"  
"Sure," said Zelda. She hesitated. "It doesn't involve kneeing someone…"  
"Of course not," Marth replied. "Come up to my room. We need to talk."  
"Okay," said Zelda. Marth took her by the hand and led her upstairs.

Whatever the reason, Nana and Popo were sitting together in the dusty games room, playing chess.  
"Well, my guy can do this!" said Nana. "What does your horsie have to say to that?"  
"It's not a horsie," said Popo. "It's called a-"  
"Nobody asked you for your opinion," snapped Nana, slapping her boyfriend in the face. "If you so much as _consider_ answering back to me-"  
"Bad time?" said Ness, walking in.  
"Why, not at all," said Nana, transforming back into a humane. _Interfering prick,_ she thought. _And such a cheater too. He cheats at cards. And… er… cards. I ought to kick him in the-_  
"I heard that," said Ness, sitting down.  
"AHA!" cried Nana triumphantly. "You see? He cheats! The boy from Onett cheats! He read my mind! He knew of my malicious thoughts! He was planning on reading my mind to win the game! You see? He was reading my-"  
"Two things," said Ness. "First, I'm not playing. How does your theory account for that, Nana?"  
"I'm working on it," replied Nana honestly. _He's unsure. I have him now._  
"Secondly, this is chess. Anyone can see the board. I don't need to read your mind to win, if I think hard enough."  
"AHA!" cried Nana triumphantly. "You see? He cheats! The boy from Onett cheats! He plans on using his 'brain' to 'think', and thus win the game! By CHEATING! CHEATING, I tell you! Ness is the cheatiest cheat that has ev-"  
"Is she always like this?" said Ness to Popo. Reading the latter's mind, he said, "Forget it."  
"Nana doesn't like you," said Popo. "No idea why. Nana, why don't you like-"  
Nana threw Popo into a wall. "Because Ness knows, doesn't he? He knows our little game, he does. But we will still get my precious back, we will. If only we could -"  
Ness hit Nana in the head with a baseball bat, causing her to become slightly more quiet.  
"That's a bit better," said Popo. "I don't know why I stay with her." He glanced down at the steel cord binding his ankle to Nana's wrist. "Oh yeah… drat…"  
"It's okay," said Ness. "There are worse things that could happen to you than being chained to a psychotic girlfriend. Like… er…" Ness thought a bit.

Fortunately for Ness, an example was occurring immediately above him in a nameless room on the third floor. The person suffering the misfortune in this case was Ganondorf, along with Link. What was going on? I'll explain:  
Ganondorf and Link had been shouting at each other (being mortal enemies) and Link had thrown a SSB crate at Ganondorf. Neither of them even half suspected that the crate contained millions of carrots!  
"Carrots?" said Link, bemused.  
"That's rather – _weird_," said Ganondorf, leaning down to inspect the carrots.  
Millions of rabid bunnies started attacking them.  
"ARGH!" screamed Link as a bunny latched on to his face. "Get this off mph!"  
Ganondorf blasted balls of dark energy at the bunnies, killing a few, but it obviously wasn't enough. "I can't stop all of them," he cried in desperation. "We'll have to work together, Link!"  
For a long moment, Link and Ganondorf looked at each other. Ganondorf extended his hand. "Let's forget old differences and arguments," he said.  
"Okay," said Link, shaking it. "The two of us should be able to withstand-"  
They were interrupted by a bunny lodging on to Ganondorf's hip with a severely noticeable ferocity. A _fierce_ ferocity.  
Link and Ganondorf worked together as friends, fighting for their lives. The onslaught of bunnies continued to mass upon them, but they were no longer overwhelmed nor outnumbered. The bunny biting onto Ganondorf's hip moved around to the sweet spot. The bunnies jumped onto the ceiling fan and swung around, sending a machine-gun like barrage of bunnies which Ganondorf and Link only just managed to-  
Theau Thor sighed. "Bored already? Let me guess. It's my personality, right?"  
"Personality _this_!" screamed Peach, charging upon the bunnies with a bag of golf clubs.  
"Peach!" cried Link. "Are you here to help us defeat the psychotic bunnies!"  
"We're not psychotic!" said a bunny. "We're just misunderstood!"  
"Right…" said Ganondorf, stepping on the aforementioned bunny.  
"Misunderstand this!" said Peach, taking off her dress.  
Ganondorf blasted Peach away with his powerful magic.  
The bunnies hurried around to regroup.

"_There are bunnies infesting the third floor,_" said Mewtwo.  
"Pika pi chupi!" _"Shut up, Mewtwo!"  
_Mewtwo shrugged. "_Just thought you wanted to know._"  
Jigglypuff rolled the dice, landing on Boardwalk (it _is_ the original).  
"Pichu pichu chu!" said Pichu. _"I want my twenty million!"  
_"_Are you absolutely sure that you're not imagining those extra zeroes?_"  
Pichu zapped Mewtwo in the face. "_Agh! My dignity! It burns!_" Mewtwo psychically grabbed the board and hit Pichu with it. Pikachu came to his friend's rescue, sending a bolt of electricity deep into Mewtwo's brain. Jigglypuff took the opportunity to steal all the title deeds. Pikachu and Pichu leaped backwards, but were still hit as Mewtwo sent boxes full of board games flying at them. Dice and sparks sprayed everywhere. Pichu did a leaping head-butt at Mewtwo's face, knocking Mewtwo backwards. Jigglypuff ate every single Chance card. Dark balls of energy narrowly missed the electric Pokemon.  
"Hey, guys," said Samus, walking in. Without even raising an eyebrow, she casually stepped over the mayhem, retrieved a marble set of marbles, and left the room.  
Mewtwo used his psychic powers to throw Pikachu at Pichu. Fortunately, it only hit Jigglypuff, who didn't really deserve to stay alive in a fight anyway. Another sad casualty of this was the ceiling fan, which exploded, knocking all the Pokemon into unconsciousness, and showering all the red and yellow spaces with ash.  
The bunnies swarmed inside the room where the unconscious Pokemon lay, and they began to feast…

Samus strode up the staircase to the third floor, saw the bunnies, and turned around. When she reached the grand entrance room, she encountered Captain Falcon.  
Captain Falcon encountered several live snakes and a large marble statue.  
Samus strode past him and walked into the lounge room. "Here's your 'magical marbles', _sir_," she said spitefully, tossing the board at Marth, who got it full in the face.  
"It's all right, sweetie," said Marth to Zelda, removing a tuning fork from his neck. "Mister Marth is still okay."  
Samus walked out of the room disgustedly. "What the heck does Zelda see in him?"  
"I see the end…" said Kirby. "I see the darkness spreading… I see death…"  
"If you even so much as blink I will blow your eyes out," warned Samus.  
"Psst," whispered Yoshi. Samus spun around, but it was too late. Yoshi grabbed her with his tongue. "No!" she yelled.  
Kirby produced a large hammer. "Let's knock it out and eat it!"  
"_It?_" said Samus. She wrenched herself free of Yoshi's grip and ran into the nearby bathroom, which doubled as a bomb shelter. She locked the door tight.  
"Yoshi oyshi shiyo shoyi yoshi!" said Yoshi. _"Eat the door, Kirby!"  
_"I can't!" said Kirby. "There's a frowny face drawn on it."  
"Yoshi." _"Pity."  
_Crazy Hand floated by. "Hey!" said Kirby. "It's the big hand thing!"  
_"Let's cook it into a flapjack!"  
_"A flapjack?" said Kirby. "You're sick. How about… a pancake? With ice cream! And tomato ketchup! And melted spinach sauce!"  
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi." _"Having a weak sense of taste, I don't care too much."  
_"HELLO, DEARIE!" rambled Crazy Hand. "HOW WAS YOUR DAY AT THE **FAIR**?" He bounced around on his knuckles.  
Kirby and Yoshi, with their combined strength, grabbed Crazy Hand and hauled him to the kitchen.

"Marth," said Zelda. "I think I can guess why you're here."  
"You – you understand?" said Marth quickly.  
"Yes, yes - I think – I do hope I'm right – I think that you-"  
"Yes, Zelda!" cried Marth. "I know that I am a source of admiration to everyone in this house (1). I know that you think of me every time you talk to someone, that your longing for me fills your every breath. Zelda, I'm here to tell you that I love you too. The moment I first laid eyes on you – I can't begin to communicate how wonderful the experience was. And every time I see you, I ask myself why I don't tell you of my love. I knew you loved me back."  
"Oh, Marth, that's – amazing…"  
"And of course, I'm not a man to greet his love without flowers," added Marth, producing a beautiful bouquet from behind his back. "These are for you, Zelda. I'm so glad we can finally be together."  
"Marth?" said Zelda, taking the flowers. "Are these flowers – aren't these –"  
Whatever Zelda was planning to say, they were both briefly interrupted by Donkey Kong crashing through the ceiling above them, crushing Marth.  
"Oh my goddess!" said Zelda. "Are you okay?"  
"I'm fine," said Marth.  
"Are you okay?"  
DK nodded. "It's just a little bump. Happened before."  
"I'm so glad you're all right," sighed Zelda. "And it's quite a relief to see that you shut that foul thug of a prince up."  
Marth started. "Hey, I-"  
Zelda kicked Marth in the face. Theau Thor did too. "That's for all those horrible romance stories that I have to put up with! Since when do princes and princesses date?"  
Zelda kissed DK, the big hairy ape, full in the face. They grappled and-  
"What the-?" said Marth. "I thought you loved me!"  
Donkey Kong hit Marth in the face with his **don't worry I won't go there**. He and Zelda continued to kiss. As they did so, Zelda opened the window with one hand and tossed Marth out.  
"No! Don't leave me to the leaves!" screamed Marth.  
"This is for giving a bad name to Fire Emblem and most other RPGs!" said Zelda, tossing more marble things at Marth. (I have suddenly fallen in love with marble, lest someone decide to commit the horrible sin of asking.)  
"There are worst fates than leaves," said a voice. The window slammed shut.  
Zelda and Donkey Kong spun around only to find a small rabbit standing before them.  
The floor started to rumble ominously.

You could almost consider it a race. The bunnies had occupied the entire third floor, and making their way down to the second. Kirby and Yoshi had scared away or eaten everyone on the ground floor, except Captain Falcon and Samus who were both hiding in the grand bathroom next to the grand entrance hall and the grand display of nouns to be used with 'grand'. The bunnies and the Eaters were neck and neck – who would gain control of the second floor first? We'll find out – after this break.

"Boy, that was a good break," said Captain Falcon, flushing.  
"If that was an obscure attempt to pick me up," said Samus, who was crouching low in a bathtub, sniping the door, "I have a fully charged missile and several bombs."  
"Ooh," said Captain Falcon. "The girl is feisty."  
Samus considered this an excuse to half kill him, and did so accordingly.  
"No fair," said Captain Falcon. "It's like you're out to get me."  
"I've tried to explain to you that I don't date people who are homosexual (I've heard you try to debate with Mario), ugly, stupid, irrational, weak, unworthy of the job of bounty hunter, unable to ride a bicycle, or wearing ladies' underwear."  
"I'm not homosexual!" said Captain Falcon. "I already said, I saw a plumber in red. No male plumber wears red! Now will you date me?"  
"I said 'or', not 'and'."  
"Curses," said Captain Falcon. "I guess you're regretting letting me in?"  
"I didn't let you in," said Samus. "You were stuck in the bathtub when I came in."  
"It's so thin," said Captain Falcon.  
"Why did you let off a miner's charge, anyway?"

"I'll charge anyway," said Kirby, swinging his fist in circles. While the little DK tie wasn't as potent as the actual ape, Kirby could still make a decent punch like this. Yoshi was chowing down boxes of Shy Guys to get sufficient ammunition.  
The bunnies arrived.

**--censored: contains violence and angry bunnies--**

The fight had been gruesome, but after several manuscripts of blow-by-blow fight accounts, the bunnies had all been exploded I know and/or eaten.  
"Now what?" said Kirby.  
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi," said Yoshi. _"If I knew that, I'd be writing the next chapter."  
_  
"That didn't make any sense," said Ganondorf, removing his head from Young Link's ear. "Are you sure about it?"  
"Yep," said Young Link.  
Mewtwo and Pichu hurried past. "_I don't know what happened to Pikachu, but we'll find him. I won't rest until we do._" Pichu nodded.  
Jigglypuff trailed along behind them. "Jiggly piggly lig puffy gilly juff!" _"I own all the hotels now! All the hotels!"  
_"Pichu chipu puchi puchi pu…" _"We finished the game a while ago."  
_"Jiggly uppily puff?" _"When we were attacked by an army of evil bunnies?"  
_Mewtwo nodded. The Pokemon rushed off.

Had they been able to see the sun, Zelda and DK would kiss to the sunset. Instead, they could only kiss to Marth's tortured screams. Not that I'm saying that that would be any less good for them, but it's just not the same, you follow?  
As they did so, Kirby and Yoshi shook hands. They had done well. Granted, they hadn't been able to eat everyone in the Mansion, but they were still good friends, and that, as all bad writers know, is all that truly counts.  
And so the Smashers survived their first evening confined to the confining confines of the confined Smash Mansion.  
But then the night began…

Yes, that means I'm writing another chapter. Sorry 'bout that.

**Footnotes:**  
(1) "…aside from Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Samus, Yoshi, Kirby, Fox, Pikachu, Ness, Peach, Bowser, Zelda, Captain Falcon, Nana, Popo, Luigi, Jigglypuff, Mewtwo, Mr G&W, Pichu, Ganondorf, Falco, Young Link, Roy, and most importantly: me, Marth!"


	5. The Untying of the Shoes: Part 1

**AUTUMN DAYS**

!noislupxe – esrow neve ro ,ytinas fo ssol rof em eus ot thgir ruoy tiefrof uoy siht gnidaer yB .**REWARD** a fo ytilanosrep eht evah uoy taht stseggus siht gnidear yllautca era uoy taht tcaf ehT :REMIALCSID  
!FTW

I'd quickly like to add here that I _hate_ reading stories with minimal line breaks, etcetera. It's just a bit confusing. Consider the deadly 300's payback.

**Chapter 5**

As soon as Theau Thor had ceased to show off his proficiency at writing backwards, everyone realised it was extremely late. They decided that the best course of action would be to sleep.  
Allow me to elaborate:  
"I think that the best thing we could do now is sleep," said Roy.  
"Indeed," said everyone else.  
Meh, it all amounts to the same thing. So everyone prepared to sleep in the Smash Mansion. As a descriptive note, this wouldn't be too much of a problem, as the mansion was more or less designed to accommodate people who might wish to stay there for prolonged periods of time (i.e. 5+ seconds) or who needed an emergency place to stay between deadly tournament battles to the death (i.e. European handball). There were numerous rooms, which although a little bit worn (i.e. peeling paint), and with a few unattractive decorations (people-shaped holes in the wall), were quite habitable. And habited they were, almost every single one of them. And by a coincidence, it was the Smash Brothers who were staying here. Remember them? The people I've been heavily defaming and insulting for the past four chapters? Yes, _those_ super Smash Brothers. Some of them (i.e. Kirby) took one "last" snack (i.e. a cow), and some of them (i.e. hmm… not again… Mario? Yeah, Mario is a good citizen. i.e. Mario) decided to go straight to bed, or wherever they slept (Pikachu found that sleeping with his tail in an electrical socket was stimulating, in more ways than one (yes, I am referring to that (you might want to picture that. Pikachu with his tail in an electrical socket. Get it? Socket? (Sorry if I've offended anyone (i.e. everyone who has any trace of morality (which, come to think of it, wouldn't include readers of this story (especially considering that nobody with any sense reads heavily nested brackets/parentheses or whatever you call these things (Which I don't really understand because it seems kind of elegant in a visual sense (point taken, I don't have any sense for the visual arts (hey, I saw this cool digital artwork the other day (it was kind of explicit, and – hey! I need to plug in the toaster. (Plug in? Hey… that sixual (with an "i") picture gave me an idea. (The idea involved Pikachu and an electrical socket. 6? (I don't know why everyone thinks using the word "six" is a form of censorship. It doesn't even resemble any- **oh**. That. Well, I don't think any of my readers are old enough to read about _that_. (Did I say old? I meant mature. (If you're still reading this, put the number four thousand seven hundred and one into your review and I'll hug you (metaphorically. I don't know where you live or anything (or do I? (Okay, this has gone too far (I'm sure you'd all agree. (Or perhaps not. Well, I _hope_ you agree. (We all hope for something. (Oh, and don't do drugs.))))))))))))))))))))))).

Whew. That was thick. Let's discuss Peach.  
"Okay," said Peach. "I can discuss myself!"  
"Shh," said Theau Thor.  
"DISCUSS THIS!" said Peach, hitting herself with a Frisbee.  
"Ouch," said Luigi, looking on. "Are you-a okay?"  
"I'll be just fine," said Peach.  
Luigi left the room, shrugging.  
The room Peach was staying in had been painted a fluorescent pink by Peach to match her dress. In the process, she had accidentally painted the windows pink, along with Master Hand's index finger. She simply was that kind of person, as things were.  
"Now," said Peach in a high, voice which, upon hearing, one might consider high-pitched enough to start **SCREAMING AND FROTHING AT THE MOUTH DUE TO THE ANNOYINGLY FREQUENT FREQUENCIES OF HER FREQUENTLY DEADLY VOICE WHICH WAS SO OVER-SATURATED WITH SWEETNESS THAT YOU REALLY WOULD LIKE AN EXCUSE TO EMPTY OUT ONE'S STOMACH**. "I need to put on this lovely nightgown. But first, I shall need to take off these shoes."  
Peach turned her attention to her shoes, and her eyes narrowed. "You won't be tricking me so easily _this_ time, shoes. I'll get rid of you yet!"  
She reached down, grabbed a shoe, and pulled hard. "Ow…" she whinged. "It's grabbed onto my foot!" Completely ignoring the shoelaces and the easy-to-read instructions her Toadstool attendant had taped onto the laces, she continued to apply brute force to remove her shoes, with little success.

"You what?" exclaimed Mario. "You left Peach to take of her shoes _by herself_?"  
Luigi nodded, slightly worried. "I thought-a she could manage for once-a," he explained to his brother, Mario.  
Mario sighed. "Well, as we have-a nothing else to do…" He picked up a box of dominoes. "We may as well-a create the domino chains-a."  
"Okay, brother," said Luigi, leaning over Mario to reach the lid of the box.  
At this point, Captain Falcon opened the door to their room, and noticed the strange position which the two plumbers were in.  
"Woah-oh!" he said. "I knew you were Italian, and I knew you were plumbers, but I didn't even think that you two would have the guts to face your bro and hu-"  
"What are you doing here?" demanded Mario angrily, trying to shake Luigi off his back.  
Captain Falcon stopped, shocked. "_Ooh_… I don't know."  
The Mario brothers glared angrily at him for a moment.  
The F-Zero driver panicked. "You can't prove anything! I didn't come here with the sole intention of seeing you two! I don't **know** why I even said that! I do not like to look at naked people! At least men! Women are fine. FINE! I didn't do it! I swear! It's all a horrible mistake! I don't understand how you could accuse me of being – wait, you didn't accuse me. Did _I_ just accuse me of-?"  
Theau Thor said, "I believe that by now you should all hate Captain Falcon, so I don't think you'll mind the following:"  
Captain Falcon's loud noises and shouting at his discovery that he had even considered himself to be something which he hoped and in his own opinion knew to be untrue was enough of a distraction to annoy just about everyone within a **three light-millennium radius** including all the other Smash Brothers who indeed were so annoyed that they immediately went down to the room which the Mario Brothers occupied armed with all kinds of weapons which made things seem as if the intention of the people coming down (everyone else) was to teach Captain Falcon a lesson (that's authority-figure speak for "excruciatingly torturous pain") for as prolonged a period of time as possible due to the severe annoyance which Captain Falcon was to just about everyone in the Smash Mansion as well as the people within the aforementioned radius and when the Smashers arrived they looked at Captain Falcon who said "I didn't mean any harm, I swear-" before being engulfed in a gulf of projected projectiles aimed at the two spots that would cause him the most pain (okay, only at one spot) which then caused him to start moaning and screaming and saying things along the lines of "OH PLEASE DON'T HURT ME I'M SO DEEPLY APOLOGETIC FOR ALL HARM I'VE CAUSED YOU WELL MAYBE NOT ALL HARM BUT A LOT OF IT A LOT OF IT I TELL YOU OH DEAR WHY AM I WHAT THE – no, no, I can't believe this is happening, I want children like the rest of you; I deserve to – can I at least keep one of-?" before convulsing in deserved pain which of course was highly painful for him but not everyone else because it was everyone else who had been hurting him then they left and did their own things.  
The exception was of course the Mario brothers, who wanted Captain Falcon to leave their room. After recovering his sanity, Falcon did so.  
"Yoshi yoshi. Yoshi yoshi yoshi?" _"Wait. Captain Falcon had sanity to begin with?"_  
"No," said Theau Thor. "But it's still funny. But it's still funny. But it's still funny. But it's still funny. But it's still funny."  
Yoshi and the Mario brothers exchanged weird looks before turning their attention back to Luigi's suitcase.  
"Well?" said Mario expectantly.  
"Yoshi, yoshi?" _"Well, what?"_  
"How do we open this thing?"  
_"What do you mean?"_  
"You are the only one here who is-a smart enough to open a suitcase lock, is-a that not-a true?" said Mario.  
Yoshi nodded. "Yoshi…" _"Fine…"_  
Actually, it wasn't fine, as Yoshi's hands weren't nearly as prehensile as he would have liked (hey, he _was_ a lizard/dinosaur/thing). But after a couple of minutes of struggling, Yoshi finally managed to pull the zip open.  
"Wow," breathed Mario, looking down into the suitcase. "_It's amazing…_"  
Little did they know of the true secret of the zip-locked suitcase…

"Oh, so shoe, you think you've won this time?" asked Peach, growling at the shoe. "Well, I think I'm just going to have to do this the hard way!"

Peach attempted to twist her left leg around her right arm and the back of her neck, so she could bite of the shoe with her teeth, but unfortunately, Peach's form was really poor, as she could only do a semi-leg left twist around her right arm, and a quarter corkscrew around the neck, ending up with Peach coming a close second to the shoe.

"This means war!" screamed Peach, as she twisted her beak around to the correct position, and trotted around the room, but realised her left foot was in her mouth, so she tripped over.

"I finally worked out what's wrong," said Zelda, as, inside the confines of Master Hand's wine cellar, she and Samus fought bitterly to the death, with… hm… what would a prize bounty hunter and a Hyrulean princess fight with… with their fists and sharpened nails and a couple of laser swords and rocket-propelled grenade launchers thrown into the mix.  
"Oh, yeah?" said Samus, casually ducking as a nearby wall collapsed. "So what is wrong?"  
"I don't think the guy even knows I'm interested in him," admitted Zelda, blushing slightly, giving Samus an ample opportunity to drive an axe through Zelda's earrings.  
"Which guy?"  
Zelda performed a double jump and landed on a chandelier (yes, in a wine cellar). "Have you… er… do you know who Donkey Kong is?"  
"The guy in Falcon and Bowser's love triangle?"  
"That's not true!" cried Bowser, running past, trying to remove the lipstick.  
Zelda shook her head. "Those are just… stupid rumours," she said, trying to convince herself. "I'm sure he's the right one for me."  
Samus nodded, raising her arm cannon. "I'm not one to judge, but you're off."  
Zelda spat. "What would you know about love?"  
"I meant, you're falling to the floor."  
Zelda looked down and realised that it was so. "Oh. Thanks." ZLDA tUn3d 1nt0 a h0rsEE nd 8 al hr frend!11111  
"No problem," said Samus.  
"Doesn't this scene seem deceptively uneventful to you?" said Zelda.  
Captain Falcon staggered into the room, half drunk. "Hey, babeeee…" he slurred, reaching for Samus' arm.

Captain Falcon woke up. "Why am I stuck in the freezer?" he said to himself.  
Opening the freezer door, he saw Kirby biting down into something that looked strangely like human bone.  
"Wha-?" said Kirby. "Eek! Uh… hi! Hi. Uh… bye!" He grabbed a pot full of milk-marinated celery sticks and ran out.  
"I wonder what that little thing was doing?" said Captain Falcon, slamming the freezer door and looking out of the kitchen to see where Kirby had gone.  
"Hello," said a voice from behind him.  
Captain Falcon wheeled around and discovered Marth was holding a sword to his throat (that's Captain Falcon's throat, not Marth's (I mean, in case you thought that Marth was holding the sword to his own throat (in a sort of suicidal way, if you get my drift (and personally I think that Marth would be an excellent person to do so (as opposed to someone I don't mind, like Samus or Kirby or Mewtwo or Jigglypuff (yes, I can actually barely stand that thing's cute little voice (which was actually a key factor in Kirby's attempts to break into the basement to get even more food (he used Jigglypuff's voice to break the lenses of the security cameras that Zelda had set up (because Zelda was the person who felt some sort of responsibility to ensure that food was well rationed (as, in case you've forgotten, they were trapped inside the Smash Mansion by leaves (the deadly kind (is there any other? (note: that was sarcasm (which is hard to notice in some circumstances (but hopefully not in this one (then again, I had to point it out, so it must be bad (just like Bowser is bad (did you know that Bowser once set Mario on fire just to satisfy his sadistic needs? (Yes, I feel that Bowser has a sadistic complex (which wouldn't be out of character (Bowser is the sort of person who steps on small rodents like bats or mice or Peach just for fun (actually, I wouldn't mind stepping on Peach (if you agree, say so in your review and we'll get married (if you're female (Female as in what Zelda and Captain Falcon are, not what Bowser or Roy is (is Roy male? (OH NO! The evil 300 has struck again! (Better wrap up.))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  
Marth viciously assaulted Captain Falcon, but Captain Falcon fought back. Marth grabbed an anvil and tried to whack Captain Falcon with it, but dropped it on his toe. Captain Falcon laughed before realising that his head was under Marth's toe, and screamed in pain a bit. Then Marth did an insane little dance and Captain Falcon and Marth both started slapping each other. Fortunately, Kirby ate them both before they did anything really dangerous.

Peach held the chainsaw high. "Ha!" she cried in triumph. "Think you're so smart, _shoelaces_? Well, let's see you shoelace my chainsaw!"  
"Where did you get a chainsaw from?" said Fox, walking in.  
A violent noise!  
Fox's head rolled to the floor…  
NO!  
…still attached to his body…  
OH!  
…by **three millimetres** of flesh…  
EEK!  
…as well as Fox's neck.  
Oh.  
Peach raised the chainsaw and aimed at her foot. "It's time!" she shouted, beginning to thrust.  
"Noooo!" shouted Luigi, diving in the way of the chainsaw. It went straight through him, but stopped just short of Peach's foot.  
"Oh," said Peach. "How coincidental."  
Luigi was badly injured, but that's okay, as nobody likes-a Luigi anyway.  
Luigi weakly lifted his arm and took off Peach's shoes before collapsing into unconsciousness.  
"How anticlimactic," said Kirby. "I'd better eat Luigi just to add some excitement." He ate Luigi. Because Fox was a vulpine, Kirby ate him too.  
"Well, everything's great," said Peach. "Now to put on this pyjama top." She looked at it.  
"I command you to put yourself onto me!" she ordered.  
Nothing happened.  
"If only Kirby hadn't eaten that chainsaw, too," thought Peach out loud.

_Why did Kirby eat Captain Falcon and Marth? Will Peach ever get ready for bed? Who taught Marth how to do an insane little dance? Whose three millimetres of flesh are stuck onto Fox's neck? Has the author finally cracked? Find out next chapter!_

Note: If you review, I may genuinely stop updating this weak humour story. Completely serious. Just say so in your review. And I may actually do so. (Operative word is "may", which translates to "will, if you all become my obedient slaves,". Just so you're warned.)  
Oh, and thanks to my little brother hoogiman (he's really little (indeed so (don't worry, I won't start (or will I? (No (or will I? (Yes (Or won't I?))))))))


	6. The Untying of the Shoes: Part 2

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: I honestly think I've covered everything worth disclaiming in the last five chapters. That doesn't really matter. So. I think that the best thing I can do here is to shut up. Right. I can shut up. I'll do just that. Watch – I'm stopping! In three – two – one…

**Chapter 6**

"No," breathed Mario.  
"What is it?" whispered Luigi.  
They and Yoshi stood there, looking at the strange – no, impossible – contents of the suitcase.  
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi…" _"I'd never have thought it possible."_  
"Well, obviously it is-a," said Luigi.  
"Shut up," said Mario. "Didn't we kill you off last chapter, anyhow?"  
"No," said Luigi.  
"I wish we did."  
"Why is it-a that nobody likes-a Luigi?" moaned Luigi self-pityingly.  
Yoshi hit Luigi with a hammer, knocking the latter out cold.  
"What exact-a-ly is that?" whispered Mario, not really paying too much attention to Luigi's unfortunate plight.  
Yoshi shook his head. "Yosh yosh yoshi," he said. _"I don't know."_  
"Whatever this is, it can't be good," said Mario recognition vaguely sparking in the corner of his mind.  
Yoshi and Mario realised it at the same time.  
"No-"

On the opposite side of the house, Ness and his best friend Mewtwo OUCH I meant Mewtwo and his best friend Ness were OUCH okay Mewtwo and some other guy OUCH I mean Mewtwo was beating up Captain Falcon.  
"_This is funner than I thought,_" said Mewtwo.  
"You mean, 'more fun'," corrected Ness.  
"_My psychic powers tell me you'll never be happy,_" said Mewtwo.  
Ness burst into tears, and started crying and banging his head against the wall. Mewtwo didn't feel like banging _his_ head on the wall, so he used Captain Falcon's instead.  
"Ouch! Eek! Oof! Owie! Aw! Ack! Ow!" said Captain Falcon coherently.  
"Well…" stammered Ness. "_My_ psychic powers tell me that you lust for Link's body!" He smiled, knowing his retort had hit home.  
Mewtwo's eyes glared red for a moment. "_How dare you! The only person I feel for is Pichu, and-_" He stopped dead cold. "_Wait… you'd know that already… which means…_"  
Ness waved the tape recorder in front of Mewtwo's face. "Yep, you're spot on. Looks as if you've got yourself into a mess, now."  
"_What do you want?_"  
"The Gambolputty de von Ausfern CD that Young Link stole from my room."  
Mewtwo's eyes widened in shock. "_That's – you know how possessive Young Link is; that's suicide!_"  
Ness lowered his head. "It seems that Pichu is about to find out who sent him the flowers, then."  
"_Are you blackmailing **me**?_"  
"We already established that."  
"_Oh,_" raged Mewtwo. "_Well, I admit defeat. Either way, I'm dead. Well done, old friend and foe. You have me beat._"  
Mewtwo walked towards the door, moaning slightly. Just as he reached the door, however, he spun around violently on one foot, launched a ball of dark energy at Ness, and attempted to psychically slap Ness.  
They dived at each other and fought bitterly, stopping only to growl and shout "Nice try!" or "_Pichu must never know!_" They burst through the wall (an easy thing to do, considering that the wall was actually made of an extremely flimsy piece of cardboard kept together by sticky tape) and landed in a secondary hallway below on the ground floor. They used their telekinetic powers to hurl tables and doors at each other. The wreckage flew everywhere. The outcome was obvious. The walls of the mansion would soon collapse, allowing the deadly mass of leaves to enter. In their anger, Mewtwo and Ness had forgotten the true danger (OUCH I put Ness last isn't that enough?).  
Ness somersaulted backwards, narrowly avoiding the energy ball which was now on a direct collision course for-!

-Peach's left eyeball was sitting there, doing nothing like normal. Suddenly, the wall in front of her burst open and let through a painful sensation, causing her to fall backwards and wiggle her arms a bit in pain.  
Still in pain, Peach wiggled her arms a bit more.  
"They're coming for me," she said in realisation. Seeing that her left shoe was still on, she knew that she had better complete her task quickly before it was too late.  
Then it was too late. A piece of dust landed on Peach's head.  
Fortunately for her she didn't notice, so it didn't really count and everything was all right and I probably just wrote that sentence to inflate the word count for this chapter (and my ego too (Look, I can spell ego – see how good I am? (Granted, a lot of people can, but hey, it's good for my ego (did I mention I can spell that? (some people wouldn't be able to, like… Peach… who we were just talking about (okay, who _I_ was talking about (give me a break, okay? (Rhetorical; I assume you will (yes, I know I'm a bit of a trusting person (Kind of like Link, who actually fell for the old 'Look out! Your clothes are actually an elf-eating reptile' standby (which was weird, seeing as the trick had been played on him by his younger self (the idea being that surely he should have remembered it and not have fallen for it (although then it would be slightly paradoxical because if he hadn't fallen for it then there wouldn't be a trick for him to remember (the best way out of this is to pretend that Link's childhood passed in a psychedelic haze (mmm… psych… (Kirby might actually be capable of eating abstract ideas; he seems to be able to eat just about anything else (except for himself; that seems a little bit far-fetched (even for a character with a stomach of infinite size (perhaps a black hole or the like? (as in the compression aspect, allowing for everything to potentially being stored in there (eek, this sentence is long))))))))))))))))))))) and then the deadly 300'er struck again, creating yet another unsightly splotch (that's a word?) on an otherwise _mildly_ unsightly page (pesky unformatted 300-word… I'll get you yet), before moving on to create further terror.

Before anything worse could happen, the world came to an end, leaving maybe… I dunno… two people in the wine cellar, who happened to be… who would like wine? Perhaps the Pokemon? They talk as if they're drunk all the time anyway (ever seen a sober person repeat his/her name in order to form coherent speech? I think not). Yes. Except, as I just realised, that there were four in the mansion, so I'll have to remove two of them from this scenario (4 – 2 2); perhaps Mewtwo? He's already being used for the Love Scene fight. And… Pikachu, because apparently everyone hates him.  
So it was a pink puffed-up round ball-like ball off puffly-piggly puff as well as a rat with a tendency to electrocute himself (NT: I don't believe the Pokemon really have any gender, and my sexist beliefs dictate me to assume that male is the noncommittal solution. And Jigglypuff is female because she's a puffball).  
Pichu and Jigglypuff were crawling around in the pipes, trying to find the fabled Candy Bar That Was Dropped By Marth Yesterday. So far, they were having little success.  
"Jig iggle piggly puff jiggy pig guffpuff!" _"Let's check here one more time!"_  
"Ich chi pu; pu chipi chu chipu pichu?" _"Jigglypuff, why are we looking in the box you brought from upstairs?"_  
Jigglypuff smacked Pichu for talking back and digged through her empty box, muttering to herself "ig jig jig… jig jig jig… jiggly iggly iggly jiggly piggly jijily…", which translates loosely to _"Ruckutoripacl asphyntiation noricksopth, alborthreath mush googolplex mistorfurs kristo furchehnis knotter hence: ig jig jig… jig jig jig… jiggly iggly iggly jiggly piggly jijily…"_  
Pichu sniffed around, electrocuting himself a couple of times in the process. He turned around, electrocuting himself in the process and shouted to Jigglypuff, electrocuting himself in the process. At this point, he collapsed in shock from all the electric zaps, inadvertently electrocuting himself in the process.  
"Jig?" said Jigglypuff, confused. _"A style of dance commonly written in 6-8?"_  
"Pichu pichu," mumbled Pichu before blinking (zapping himself in the process (hey, blinking is hard)).  
"Cell phone!" said Roy, walking in and hitting himself in the head because he had red hair.  
"Jig piggly puff puff?" _"Are you my mother?"_  
Roy wasn't sure what Jigglypuff had just said, so he nodded warily. "Yeah… I think…" This was the wrong answer.  
Jigglypuff leapt forward and attached herself to Roy's leg. "OUCH!" he shouted. "It's on my leg! The pain! Wait… the pain is gone. Phew." He realised what that meant.  
"MY LEGS! I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS!" At this point, Jigglypuff hugged Roy's leg so tight that she amputated it, and leapt for the neck.  
"FINE!" shouted Roy. "I CONFESS! I took your snack bar! Here! Have it!" He tossed it away.  
Pichu and Jigglypuff leapt towards the candy bar and started tearing at it with their mouths.

Yoshi and Mario dived for the door together, but by the time they reached it, it had frozen and hardened so that they didn't so much as make a dent in it with their full weight.  
"Oh noes!" said Mario.  
"Yoshi yoshi yoshi!" _"Spell properly!"_  
"MY GRAMM**_E_**R IS PURFECKTLY GUD, TAHNK U," said Theau Thor.  
Yoshi made a weird face and turned back to the door. "Yosh ishi yoshi!" _"We must warn everyone!"_  
"But-a how can we do that-a when we are-a _trapped_?" screamed Mario hysterically, clawing his face.  
They yelled and screamed a bit, then realised that it would do them absolutely no good whatsoever. Then they did nothing.

"No!" screamed Ness, diving backwards as the hallway floor burst into flames. He sent bolts of electricity streaming from his hands and twisted to the side as Mewtwo dived at him in a blind rage.  
The place was breaking apart; the only thing holding it together now was the flimsy pieces of cellophane tape mentioned earlier. Bolts of fire and energy attacks and annoying mid-fight banter ('Your heart is strong but mine is stronger!'; 'I am not your father!'; 'Dodge this!'). The fight was reaching a climax, what with the exciting music playing in the background and the dramatic setting. (I need to point that out so that you feel as worked up as I do right now.)  
Ness concentrated with all his energy. "PK Fire!" he shouted. A ball of lightning sped towards Mewtwo, who pushed out with his mind and deflected it at the last minute, sending it flying instead towards-

-Peach's right eyeball was still useable, until it suddenly burst into flame. This made her very unhappy so she decided that the best thing to do would be to run around in circles screaming in confusion.  
However, being in confusion, she inadvertently ran through the rice paper walls of her room (poor walls) and crashed into Mario/Luigi's room, which was a good thing considering that Mario and Yoshi were trapped in there until that point, when Peach's running through the wall freed them, and allowed them to escape and warn the others about the presence of the entity within the suitcase, the suitcase which (coincidentally) was run into and tripped over by the Princess (Peach), who then shouted a bit, pulled her hair, screamed in agony, giggled, and danced happily, before stomping on the suitcase so that it would pay attention to her and then singing in a voice which was so **EXCRUCIATINGLY HIGH PITCHED AND OVER-SWEET THAT IF YOU HEARD IT YOU'D WANT TO ATTACK HER OR RIP OUT HER THROAT OR DO SOMETHING EQUALLY DRASTIC IN ORDER TO ESCAPE THE HORRIBLE SINGING WHICH WAS SO BAD THAT EVEN THE KINDEST, MOST COMPASSIONATE PERSON IN EXISTENCE WOULD WANT TO MURDER THE PRINCESS AT THAT MOMENT OR INDEED AT ANY MOMENT FOLLOWING THAT PREVIOUSLY MENTION MOMENT** which strangely caused considerable pain to the suitcase, which then exploded, sending showers of bottled water and brand-new T-shirts flying around the room, suffocating Peach and fortunately shutting her up, saving the minds of those within earshot and saving Peach's life (see comment about Peach's singing voice) which was kind of good, seeing as if somebody died it would be a very sad thing which is why nobody should die and we should live in a perfect world, so perfect that we don't have to define the word 'perfect' because if we did have to we wouldn't be able to and this hypothetical utopia would have no meaning at all, although Peach would certainly not exist in a perfect world.  
Another fortunate side effect of this was that Peach's shoes were burned off in the explosion. Now she'd no longer need to untie her shoes.  
Everything was perfect.  
Oops… forgot to wrap up the Ness/Mewtwo conflict. Give me two secs.

"_Please, Ness,_" cried Mewtwo desperately. "_Don't tell Pichu. I'll get Young Link's stolen CD for you._"  
"You promise?" said Ness.  
"_You can read my mind. You'd know if I was lying._"  
"SEE?" said Theau Thor. "EVRYTING iZ al r1t3. T3h 3ND!1111111"


	7. Of slave dogs and celery sticks

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: If there was something which I did own which pertained to this story I do not own it any more so it's no use coming crying and complaining to me. You could try, of course, eating chocolate; while it doesn't actually solve your legal problems it makes the big companies richer.

**Chapter 7**

"We have to escape this place!" declared Young Link as he fell off the staircase for the tenth time in a row. "Otherwise we'll live the rest of our lives here!"  
"Yes," begrudged Nana, "but don't you think that it's rather…" she giggled slightly – "rather _nice_ here?"  
"As in, 'everyone is so happy to be here' nice?"  
"Exactly," smiled Nana.  
"Please let me off this leash," said Popo.  
"No talking!" said Nana sternly. "Slave dogs don't talk."  
"I-"  
"You sleep outside tonight, then!" pronounced Nana. "Bad slave dog, Popo, _bad_ slave dog."  
Young Link tapped Nana on the back. She turned around, and then Young Link said, "Nana, how exactly do you send Popo outside as a… uh… punishment when **a)** he's tied to you by a steel tether and **b)** the giant stack of leaves has trapped us indoors?"  
Nana's eyes widened, horrified. "We have to escape this place!" she said.  
"Exactly," said Young Link.  
"Don't you dare speak back," said Nana in a faked voice of calm.  
Young Link, who didn't want to end up suspended over a vat of acid again, backed off slowly.  
"Get the other kids," called Nana behind him. "As well as that… that cheater."  
"Ness?" said Young Link.  
"SEE?" cried Nana. "HE CHEATS!111111oneoneone"

"See? He cheats," said Fox, nudging Bowser's arm. Sure enough, Bowser could make out what the parrot Falco was doing.  
Theau Thor stepped forward. "Yes, Falco is a parrot now. No, if you contradict me I will take it badly. STFUN00BWHOCANTEVENUSETEHSPASEBARR."  
Looking closely, Bowser could indeed see how Falco had gained the advantage in this memory game. "I see. A combination of the X-Ray visor he borrowed from Ms Aran and the technique of looking under the glass table."  
They both watched as Falco expertly climbed under the table, looked at the card faces for about twenty seconds, climbed back up, and turned two over.  
"Both-a red super-ellipsoids!" exclaimed Mario. "You are a master at this game-a."  
"Ingenious, eh?" whispered Fox, nudging Bowser's arm.  
"Yeah," growled Bowser. "It was clever how he replaced the giant oak table with this tiny little glass piece effortlessly."  
Neither of them stopped to think how lucky it was that it hadn't been broken. Every single flying crowbar had missed.

Every single flying crowbar had missed. Donkey Kong and Jigglypuff stood there, puzzled. "I'm usually so good at breakin' stuff," said Donkey Kong in his slow voice.  
"Jig jilly jig," said Jigglypuff sweetly, patting Donkey Kong's arm. I can't translate that without upping the rating of this story. Sick, twisted little balloon Pokemon.  
"Wait…" said Donkey Kong. "Maybe I keep missing the ancient wooden sculpture with these crowbars 'cause I'm throwin' them the wrong way." And sure enough, he was actually throwing the crowbars at the wall diving this room from the room which a few of the adults were using as a games room.  
"Jig iggly puff pijy iggi…" _"That explains why we can hear them talking…"  
_Voices floated in from next door. "Oh no-a! It was a _green_ square! I give up-a; I shall strip for you!"  
"And dance like a little birdie, plumber boy!" someone growled.  
"Excuse me?" said another voice sharply.  
FM. "Falco, old friend, he didn't mean that, he-"  
M. "You dare call me a bird?"  
B. "I- I-"  
FL. "And what's wrong with being a bird?"  
FM. "Falco, it was just a-"  
M. "I can speak for myself-a, Fox, I-"  
B. "I'm sorry, guys!" cried Bowser. "It's not like-"  
FL. "You asked for it, turtle boy…"  
FM. "Woah, Falco, don't get too worked up,"  
M. "Shut-a up, Fox!"  
B. "Let me apologise-"  
FL. "Apologise **this**!"  
FM. "Ooh. That's gotta hurt."  
M. "It's my fault. _I_ suggested playing Strip Memory-a."  
B. "Ow… my arms-"  
FL. "And you, Mario, what's so bad about being a bird?"  
FM. "This is a sorry excuse for proper writing. Aside from the inverted quotes, it reads like a script. And Falco, you-"  
M. "I don't want to be associated with a chicken like you."  
B. "Ow… my head-"  
FL. "Oh, you'll pay for that, wog."  
FM. "Hey, guys, no racism here. This is supposed to be a _happy_ day, not-"  
M. "Shut up, you voluptuous vulpine!"  
B. "Ow… my lungs-"  
FL. "_What_ did you call Fox?"  
FM. "A vulpine. That's no insult, it's-"  
M. "I called him a vicious vulpine-a, and he is, so there!"  
B. "Ow… my stomach-"  
FL. "Did you call him voluptuous?"  
FM. "He what?"  
M. "Not-a true!"  
B. "Ow… my v-"  
At this point, Jigglypuff dived onto Donkey Kong's head, covering his ears, because the conversation was becoming inappropriate for a large ape.  
At this point, Pichu dived and covered Jigglypuff's ears, as Jigglypuff was too pink and innocent to hear what was said next.  
At this point, Pikachu dived and covered Pichu's ears, as Pichu was too yellow and innocent to hear the subject of discussion in the next room.  
Marth and Roy ran greedily to the wall and listened to the dialogue, panting heavily.  
At this point, Kirby dived and covered Pikachu's ears, as if Pikachu didn't hear Kirby eating Donkey Kong, then Pikachu wouldn't notice.  
_Mmm… Donkey Kong…_ thought Kirby. A good meal, for sure.

"A good meal, for sure," said Link quickly, "but surely you could take a break from cooking this morning?"  
Zelda and Peach looked at each other and considered.  
"But then who would cook the honey-coated leather?" said Peach, aghast.  
"I'll ask someone else to cook a… a less Hyrulean or Mushroom Kingdom-ish breakfast, and a more… exotic one."  
"Like eggs and stuff?" said Zelda.  
"Exactly," said Link.  
Zelda and Peach shrugged. "Okay," said Peach. "But don't hurt the green pigeon soup bowl."  
Link gave her a weird look.  
"A ha ha ha ha ha!" laughed Peach quickly. "It was a joke! The soup bowl isn't _really_ real." She glanced around, frightened, then darted from the room. The others stared.

The others stared. They stared too much. If Ganondorf was to pull off his **super-evil plan to destroy the whole of the known universe and possibly some of the unknown universe and cause much damage and power-gain in the process**, he would have to wait until Young Link was alone. Then, and only then, would he be able to give Young Link the **dark sorcerer's powerful super** (wedgie) **of fatalistic and deadly doom**.  
Unsuspectingly, Young Link walked along, humming. Then, he stopped. "It's quiet," he said. "Too quiet…"

"Too quiet?" said Ness. "You don't like me because I'm too quiet?"  
"No," said Nana, "it's because you're a cheat."  
"But you just said-"  
"SEE? HE CHEATS!" cried Nana, producing a mallet. Luckily, Popo knocked her out with an ice pick before anyone could get hurt.  
"We should leave," said Ness. Popo's only response was to tug the leash around his neck.  
"Oh, yeah," said Ness. "It must be hard…"  
"Tell me about it," said Popo, trying again to bite the leash off.  
"Tell you what," said Ness. "I'll find something to cut off that leash, and free you."  
"Oh, thank you so much," said Popo, excitedly.

"Oh, thank you so much," said Donkey Kong, before realising that Kirby wasn't going to give him a banana, but instead eat him. "AH! SOMEONE HELP!" he shouted.  
"Nice try," said Kirby. "I'm covering Pikachu's ears." And with nobody around to hear it, Donkey Kong's fate might not have ever been discovered.  
"Nooooo…" screamed Zelda, running inside in slow motion, diving in front of Donkey Kong to protect him from harm. Kirby ate them both.  
"A lot of good that did," said Donkey Kong sincerely, as they fell into the bottomless pit of Kirby's mouth.  
What a sad ending.

"What a sad ending," said Young Link, pocketing his GameKid.  
Creeping behind him, Mewtwo shuddered.  
"_Does he have to talk out loud like that?_" he psychically whispered to Ness.  
"_Keep on moving,_" said Ness. "_I have something I need to do as well. You just get that baroque CD back from Young Link's room and all will be well._"  
"_Fine…_" bethought Mewtwo.  
"_Exactly._"

"Exactly," said Captain Falcon. "That's why you should marry me."  
"Because I'm a little old for a baby like you?" said Samus.  
"Exactly – hey, that's an insult! Oh, well, you are the hottest person in the universe, so let's start lovin', eh?"  
Samus fired a couple of Super Missiles and ran. For no apparent reason, alarm bells started ringing, the air exploded here and there, and a giant countdown clock hovered in midair.  
Captain Falcon stared after her. "Woah. Did she make those numbers appear? It's like a pattern! Ten… then nine… then eight… then seven…" He smiled. "Six…"

"Six… you're not six," said Ganondorf to his imaginary friend. "You're two."  
"Did I hear something?" said Young Link, turning around, making Ganondorf duck for cover, and allowing Mewtwo to open the door to his room.  
"Wha-?" said Young Link, spinning around. Mewtwo dived into Young Link's room at the last minute, and Ganondorf, no longer watched, let out a sigh of relief.  
"Did I hear something?" Ganondorf dived to the floor, and Mewtwo reached for Young Link's CD.  
"Did I hear a CD move?" Mewtwo slid into the shadows, and Ganondorf produced his large axe.  
"Was that the whistle of an axe?" I think you know what happened.

"I think you know what happened," said Luigi. "In fact-a, I _know_ you did. So who hit Bowser and you?"  
"Lombardi…" whispered Mario. "It was that evil anthropomorphic obsessive-compulsive obnoxious uncaring cynical bird, Falco."  
"BOX CUTTER?" screamed Link, running past.  
"But why didn't Fox say-a so?" pressed Luigi.  
"You moron-a, brother… Fox is dead…"  
"No!" gasped Luigi.  
"…dead meat if he blabs about his pal…"  
"Accursed Italians," trembled Luigi, waving his fist in anger at Lombardi. He would finish this later.  
He would finish this later. While it was a great burger, Ness wasn't particularly hungry, and he'd just realised that he was going to free his friend Popo first.  
Upon reaching the Ice Climbers, he found Popo huddled on the ground. Ness tapped him on the back.  
"It's all right, Popo," he whispered. "I have the leash."  
"No!" said Popo. "Ness – it's a trap!"  
Ness spun around to confront Nana, who was standing tall, holding an ice-climbing whip.  
"Well, well, well," she hissed. "The CHEET?()(&(!"  
_Nana wants to fight!  
Ness tried to get away, but couldn't!  
Nana attacks – Ness loses 25 HP!  
Popo uses Nana as a shield!  
Nana turns on Popo! 15 damage to Popo!  
Ness finishes off the hamburger! Nana loses 104 HP!  
For no apparent reason, a Bob-omb explodes! Lots of damage to everyone!  
An excessive exclamation mark deals 0 damage to Popo!  
Everyone dies!  
Ness ran for it!_  
"Coward," Nana hissed, before running away too. That was deliberate irony.

"That was deliberate irony," protested Fox. "You'd expect a fox to rat on his pals, but I didn't. You'd also expect a fox to be more violent than a bird, but I wasn't."  
Luigi narrowed his eyes, clearly not satisfied.  
"_What_ did you say about birds?" said a voice from the next room, angrily. Then, after a moment, "That does it, Fox. I'll have to kill you like I killed your father."  
Their eyes widened.  
"Run!" said Fox.

"_Run!_" shouted Mewtwo, darting from his hiding place, CD in hand. Ganondorf jumped out of the shadows as well, and they ran together, escaping from the ultimate danger – Young Link suffering from sugar withdrawal!  
"Gah!" screamed Young Link, throwing small tables and children at his newfound enemy.  
"We have to do something!" shouted Ganondorf.  
"_Use your dark magic!_"  
Ganondorf summoned all his dark magical powers. Black lightning streamed into his hands, and he cast forth a ball of energy. It turned into a giant white fluffy bunny.  
"Ooh, a bunny!" said Young Link.  
"_Keep running!_" shouted Mewtwo. And looking back, they could see that Young Link had completely lost interest in the bunny.  
"_I'll use my psychic powers to make him think we're behind him!_" said Mewtwo. He focused all his energy, and it was so.  
"How weird," said Young Link. He stopped, confused.  
Mewtwo and Ganondorf kept running.  
"There is no escape!" cried Ganondorf. "Young Link is relentless! Such a possessive child!"  
"_We shall have to confront him,_" concluded Mewtwo. "_But it is too confined here to have the upper hand. I mean, we're running down a staircase; of course he's on the upper ground._"  
They tripped and fell down the stairs, landing on the ground. Young Link swiftly caught up.  
"So…" he said ominously.  
Before the crazed elf child could hurt him, Nana dived bodily into Young Link and started hitting him with a pick-axe.  
"Ah!" screamed Young Link.  
"_You,_" hissed Nana furiously. "I told you to find Ness! And the next thing I knew, Ness knocked me out and tried to steal my slave dog!"  
"I'm not your-" began Popo.  
Nana hit him with the axe, knocking her boyfriend out. "Answer me, Young Link. Why?"  
"It was-"  
"DON'T TALK BACK!" screamed Nana, ramming the axe into Young Link's heart.  
"Ouch," whispered Ganondorf. He and Mewtwo glanced at each other, and then they began to back away ever so slowly…  
"The pain…" moaned Young Link.  
Nana smiled viciously. "Oh, I haven't even started yet."

"Oh, I haven't even started yet." And certainly Captain Falcon's relaxed pose suggested that there was truth to that statement. But Samus wouldn't let him – she was a bounty hunter, renowned around the world for her quick thinking and detachment to killing, and also well known for her amazing pseudo-exoskeleton/suit, which allowed her to fry her opponents while killing them in ten different ways at once.  
She was not going to be defeated by this sorry excuse for a bounty hunter: why, Captain Falcon couldn't hurt someone with his bare fists without announcing it to the world beforehand! And Falcon's driving consisted of ramming all the other vehicles in the street into walls, destroying his own car in the process.  
Samus blew a hole in the nearest air conditioning vent, slipped inside using morphball mode, and fled.  
"Wait!" shouted Captain Falcon, giving chase by diving into the air conditioning vent. "Come back!"

"Come back!" cried Peach. But the hallucination wouldn't listen. It was _so unfair_. Was it because of her blue eyes? All of the imaginary gremlins hated her for her pretty blue eyes.  
Peach liked to skip and have a lovely time because she was just a wonderful person to be around FOR ABOUT SEVEN SECONDS, and then she became oh so annoying and her sweet voice began to break people's ears and she started attacking people for not complimenting her enough and all sorts of other wonderful things.  
She sighed. "What a bad day."

"What a bad day," said Luigi, as Falco's laser blaster missed his face by centimetres again.  
"Agreed," said Fox. "Falco really does have temper problems. WAIT! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!"  
The blasts came more rapidly. They dived out of the way.  
"We need to hide-a," said Luigi as they ran. "But where?"  
"A broom cupboard?" laughed Fox.  
"Kirby's mouth?"  
"The air conditioning vents?"

"The air conditioning vents?" said Kirby. "You really think that I'm going to fall for that one?"  
Captain Falcon, who was lost in said vents, made a puzzled look.  
"A _person_ wouldn't be stupid enough to hide there," said Kirby. "You're obviously that runaway pineapple."  
Captain Falcon scrambled away, crashing headfirst into someone.  
"Hey!" he said. "Who else is in the air vents right now?"  
Mewtwo and Ganondorf sighed. "_If only my psychic powers could reduce the creature to dust._"  
Ganondorf struggled to squeeze past Falcon. "If only I could get him out of the way – of course! I'll use my dark magic to turn him to dust!"  
Ganondorf focused his magical powers, but all he managed to do was turn Captain Falcon into a pink fluffy bunny.  
"_Close enough,_" said Mewtwo, and he and Ganondorf propelled down the AC vents, only to land directly in Kirby's mouth.  
Captain Falcon, unaware that Ganondorf had turned him into a pink fluffy bunny who would probably be subjected to tea party torture by Peach, smiled ironically. _Serves them right; they're gone now…_, he thought. _Inside Kirby's mouth…  
_  
_Inside Kirby's mouth…_  
"Oh, hello there," said Zelda, pausing from her fondling of DK.  
"_Hello, human… elf… creature,_" said Mewtwo. "_How did you end up here?_"  
"Does it matter?" said DK, eyeing Ganondorf's leg and wondering about how much meat there was in that alone. "At least we've someone to talk to."  
Zelda smiled. "Donkey Kong, shut up and let me show you what Hyruleans do when we're heavily underpopulated."  
"Let's just move to the other side of Kirby's giant stomach," said Ganondorf, fleeing. Mewtwo followed suit.  
"Hey," came DK's voice from behind them. "This reminds me of what I used to do for banana money."  
Ganondorf and Mewtwo walked faster. But not fast enough. So they ran.

"So they ran," breathed Nana angrily. "_Now_ who do I take out my excess frustration on?"  
A light bulb fell on her head, knocking her out.  
And so began the Smash Brothers' second day trapped in the Smash Mansion. They have my pity, that's for sure. And you'll be pitiable yourself if you don't review.


	8. Honey, money and bunnies

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: If a clam could claim the cream of this complaint, and a completely clean collection of closed cases are clueless and clucking, is a clueless cream-less clam actually the cream of a crop of collectible cauliflower clappers? (Repeat 10 times fast)

**Chapter 8**

"What a lovely _morning_," said Peach cheerily in a voice that was **SO HIGH THAT IF YOU HEARD IT YOU MIGHT BE ABLE TO SQUEEZE IN HALF A SCREAM OF PAIN BEFORE YOUR EARDRUMS BURST AND YOUR SANITY WOULD DROP TO SUCH A LOW LEVEL THAT YOU WOULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR DAYS SINGING STONE-AGE OPERAS**.  
Yoshi found Peach's voice so high that he was able to give half a yell of agony before collapsing to the ground, crying "Arararararararar…"  
"I wonder why Yoshi is so upset?" said Peach. Several nearby windows cracked from the pitch of her voice, sending a barrage of leaves from outside flooding through.  
(For those of you who can't remember, DK accidentally created a blanket of leaves which trapped the Smashers indoors for an indefinite amount of time (i.e. as long as I want it to be.))  
Yoshi crawled out, still moaning in depression.  
"He's such a _good_… uh…" Peach looked inquiringly at Yoshi. "Yoshi, are you a fish?"  
Yoshi stared in a mixture of mute horror and utter shock. "Yoshi?" _"What?"_  
"Are you a fish?"  
Still utterly stupefied, Yoshi shook his head.  
"Sorry," apologised Peach. "Well, I think you're a good horsie anyway."  
Yoshi shook his head quickly.  
"You're not a horsie?"  
Yoshi nodded.  
"Oh… are you a dragon?"  
"_Dragon?_" thought Yoshi. Not willing to pursue the matter any further, he turned and fled.  
Peach stared after him, wondering how Yoshi could possibly be so rude. She wouldn't be surprised if Yoshi didn't realise she was a princess, or perhaps even what _species_ she was! Peach giggled at the thought.

"You got the CD?" enquired Ness as soon as Mewtwo glided through the door.  
"_Yes,_" said Mewtwo, psychically passing a disc over to Ness.  
"Thanks!" said Ness. He plugged it into his mini-disc player, and hummed along a bit to those exciting baroque rhythms.

Time passed.

"_So…_" said Mewtwo.  
"I'm bored," said Ness. "Why don't we perform experiments on the leaves trapping us in for no apparent reason?"  
"_Sounds good to me,_" said Mewtwo.  
"HEAY," said Theau Thor. "tihS iz a bitt ov a cowincidense, buat it moovs teh stori allong?  
"Please go away," said Ness.  
"OH TAHT DOES ITT IM KILING U OFFF!11"  
Mewtwo and Ness left the room and went into the lab. Yes, there was a lab in the Smash Mansion. Why, you ask? Well, obviously… uh… well… look! It's DK!

Donkey Kong was sitting on a chair, staring glumly at a bunch of bananas.  
"What's got you down in the dumps?" said Ganondorf, entering the dining hall.  
"Bananas have caused me nothing but trouble," moaned DK.  
"Really?" said Ganondorf.  
"No…" sighed DK. "…I'm trying to blame something else for all my personal faults." He sank to the ground (that is, the chair collapsed).  
"Don't worry," said Ganondorf. Thinking of how he could cheer DK up, he suddenly had an idea. "Hey, why don't we kidnap a princess?"  
At that moment, Zelda walked into the room. Ganondorf promptly grabbed her.  
"Look, DK!" he said, waving his free arm. "Look! We've kidnapped a princess! Doesn't that make you feel _excited_? Happy about life?"  
Donkey Kong shrugged glumly. Perhaps if it was a princess who _deserved_ to be kidnapped, like Pauline or Peach or Peach or… Peach, he would have felt better. But Zelda? He honestly couldn't feel any satisfaction from that.  
"Come on," said Ganondorf, nudging DK. "We're having _fun_, aren't we?"  
"Please let me go," said Zelda.  
"Fine," sighed Ganondorf, sinking to the ground beside DK as he released his hostage. "Mind if I join you in my depression?"  
"Not at all," said Donkey Kong.

Jigglypuff and Kirby were playing 'Rollout' together. It was a simple game – you had to roll around the Mansion, breaking as many things as possible, injuring as many people as possible, and going at maximum speed.  
"Wheeeeeee!" shouted Kirby as he zoomed through a wall.  
"Jigggggly!" shouted Jigglypuff as she zoomed over Yoshi (prompting another healthy round of "Ararararar…").  
Kirby rolled over a large and rather random spike in the ground, causing him to jump and yelp in pain.  
Jigglypuff skidded to a stop and looked at Kirby. "Jig illyuff gig?" _"Are you okay?"_  
"Yeah…" muttered Kirby, getting up.  
Jigglypuff eyed the large hole which went straight through Kirby's side and out the other end. "Jig ig…" _"Maybe you should seek medical attention…"_  
Kirby agreed, but unfortunately fainted from lack of blood loss before he could head towards Mario, their resident doctor.  
Jigglypuff looked at Kirby's body, confused, then went to call Mario, who was (apparently) a doctor. However, before she could do that, she saw a door! How exciting! What better way could there be for _anyone_ to spend their time than _walking through doors_! Jigglypuff gave an excited giggle and started walking through doors, some of them open.  
She wandered into Peach's room.  
"Ooh…" said Peach. "A pink thing!" She giggled, because pink was a funny word. "Get it? Thing?"  
Jigglypuff was slightly confused by this, but she laughed along anyway.  
"We haven't talked for a while, uh… your-name-here," said Peach, smiling, "but I'm sure we can find something fun, silly, and utterly stupid to do!"  
Jigglypuff didn't answer immediately, being too busy staring at an imaginary floating soup bowl.  
"Ah!" screamed Peach, diving at Jigglypuff to cover her eyes. "There is no soup bowl! It's not true!"  
"**_It's all right,_**" said the imaginary talking green pigeon soup bowl. "**_She's in this with us._**"  
"Ooh…" said Peach. "A conspiracy… am I in it?"  
"**_Yes, Peach,_**" it sighed. "**_You're part of it, too. Now shut up and start pouring honey over people._**"  
Jigglypuff and Peach looked at each other, giggled, and then ran off towards the kitchen (the land of skim milk and honey).

"Like, _dude_," said Captain Falcon, showing off his impressive vocabulary, "we're the three coolest guys in the Mansion!"  
Bowser and Falco looked at him concernedly.  
"What?" said Captain Falcon.  
Peach and Jigglypuff ran through the hallway, knocking Bowser and Falco over, while giggling insanely.  
"Oh no!" said C Falcon. "You two okay?"  
Bowser was on his back. "Yeah," he growled weakly, trying to roll onto his front with little success, "though if you could push me over, I'd appreciate that."  
"Mmph," said Falco, coughing out dust.  
They were silent for a moment. Captain Falcon pushed Bowser onto all fours.  
"WOOT!" shouted Bowser.  
"What the heck does that mean?" said Falco, cringing as the ceiling rained plaster on his feathers.  
"Well," said Bowser, "we survived, didn't we? It could be worse; we could have-"  
Kirby ran through the hallway, trampling over Falco. As he faded off in the distance, they heard him yell "No! The sugar is mine! **My sugar honey!** Mine! Give me the honey back! Why, cruel world? I'll **kill you all** as soon as I can get my honey back! Yay!"  
"You 'kay?" asked C Falcon again.  
Falco shot him a look. "Some medical attention would be nice." He fainted from dignity loss.

"So it really _is_ eleven herbs and spices," said Ness, looking at the electronic readout. "I always thought it was ten, you know? From the taste?"  
"_Well, that might be because number eleven is…_" Mewtwo trailed off politely.  
Ness looked at the list again. "Oh my-" He collapsed to the ground, writhing in disgust and pain.  
"_So why aren't we analysing the leaves?_" said Mewtwo.  
"We are," said Ness, "remember? We found that delicious finger-biting original chicken fin soup package down in the leaves."  
"_I suspect Kirby left it there._"  
"Good," said Ness. "Now let's do complicated stuff, because we're so intelligent and nerdy and boring and we really ought to conform to that stereotype."  
"_20.4 to the neg 3,_" said Mewtwo.  
"Exactly."

Pikachu and Mario were having a lively conversation about which was better – Pokemon or Mushroom Kingdom residents?  
"Pika chiki pi chik pi chik pi chik pi," said Mario, no, _fine_, said _Pikachu_. See? Pikachu said it. That better? _"Pokemon are more friendly. They might fight a bit, but that's our collective hobby. In reality, we'd never so much as annoy you."_  
"Perhaps-a," said Mario, "but everyone I know from the Mushroom Kingdom is also-a fun to be with. Nobody from there would _ever_ annoy someone like-a us…"  
Peach and Jigglypuff ran up, poured honey all over them, performed a war dance, did a high-five, then escaped the scene, giggling.  
Mario and Pikachu looked at each other, in total shock.

"Come on," coaxed Nana. "Good boy, Popo."  
"I'm not your slave dog!" yelled Popo.  
"Then you can be my pet bunny," said Nana sweetly, tightening the collar she had around Popo's neck.  
"HELP!" screamed Popo. "Save me!"

"There, there," said Bowser, as he and Captain Falcon dragged Falco into an empty bedroom on the third floor. "I'm sure it's not that bad."  
"Yeah," said Captain Falcon. "You're a strong birdie, Falco-"  
Falco leapt up and grabbed Captain Falcon's neck. "Don't _call_ me that," he hissed menacingly.  
"Woah!" said Bowser, stepping backwards. "What did he say?"  
"He called me a bird," said Falco, falling backwards onto a bed. He started laughing hysterically. "But I'm not a bird. I'm really a cow!"  
"Come again?" said Captain Falcon.  
"I may look like a bird, but I'm a moo cow inside!"  
"Did he say _moo cow_?" said Bowser to Captain Falcon. "_Moo_ cow?"  
"It's okay," laughed Falco. "As soon as we escape this place, I'm going to Zoness for surgery… we can all be cows together!"  
"Let's… back away…" said Bowser.  
"Yeah…" said C Falcon.  
They backed away.  
"Why are you running from me?" shouted Falco.  
Bowser backed into something. He spun around to see what was blocking the door.  
"Hi! We're the Honey Bandits!" giggled Peach, as her accomplice in crime, Jigglypuff, attempted to juggle herself.  
"ARGH!" shouted Bowser. "We're trapped! By lunatics!"  
"A _moo_natic," corrected Falco.  
Captain Falcon tried ripping his throat out, with limited success.  
"NOOOOO!" shouted Bowser, as Falco, Jigglypuff and Peach closed in on them.

"We _have_ to put a stop to this," said Link. "Two of the annoying females in the Smash Mansion are-"  
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," said Samus.  
"I wasn't saying that _all_ females are annoying, just-"  
"-just me?" said Zelda, pulling out her grand, royal, traditional and elegant **stabbing dagger**.  
"SHUT UP AND LISTEN!" screamed Link. "I'm trying to keep everyone co-ordinated and up-to-date here! _I'm_ the one making sure that no-one does anything stupid! SO JUST LISTEN!"  
"We _are_ listening," said Luigi.  
Most of the adults had congregated in the large entrance hall of the mansion. Link had asked them to come so that he could warn them about the current threat to sanity in the mansion.  
"Peach and Jigglypuff are running around, pouring the last of our edible honey over people's heads!" said Link. "This is disastrous; we've got to stop them before this place is a stick mess." He glanced at everyone meaningfully. "We have to _live_ here, after all."  
"About that," interrupted Fox. "Why aren't we organising an effort to clear the leaves so that we can escape?"  
"We have to get some sort of order established first," said Link, being a clear-headed leader as usual. "If we just started shovelling leaves, we'd starve to death before anything else. Besides, I'm sure the authorities are on the outside, trying to help us out as well."  
"NOT TEH MOO COW!1111111" screamed Captain Falcon's voice from upstairs.  
"Let's go!" shouted Link.

"Jig?" said Jigglypuff, pressing her face against Bowser's.  
"GAH! Get it OFF me!" yelped Bowser, scrambling backwards, tripping, and landing on his back again. "Argh!"  
Jigglypuff grabbed a vase filled to the brim with honey and waved it eagerly.  
Bowser struggled to touch the ground with his legs. "Stupid shell… no! Not **honey**!"  
Captain Falcon was having problems of his own. Just as Peach had been about to drop a bee's nest on him, she and Falco had started arguing. Unfortunately, C Falcon was pinned down by their collective weight.  
"_I'm_ the moo-cow!" yelled Falco.  
"Silly birdie!" giggled Peach. "The _real_ moo cow is in space!"  
"WTF?" said Bowser.  
Link and Marth burst through the door. "Stop right there!" cried Link, facing Peach.  
Peach giggled and threw a pot of honey at them. Link yelped and dived out of the way as the pot exploded, leaving a mess of honey. The entire door was effectively sealed by the messy substance.  
"No!" screamed Bowser, seeing that his only exit was sealed shut.  
"Jiggle!" cackled Jigglypuff sweetly.  
Peach lowered the jug of honey towards Captain Falcon's head…  
BANG! The wall burst open as Ganondorf and DK dived in. "Stop right there!" bellowed DK. "I'll stop you from ruining-"  
Peach through the vase of honey at them, sending them falling to the ground, writhing.  
"The sugar! It burns!" cried Ganondorf.  
Peach lifted up the largest barrel of honey any one of them had ever seen. "J-puff!" she commanded. "The Bob-omb!"  
Jigglypuff reached up with her tiny little arms and threw a live Bob-omb into the barrel of honey.  
Outside the room, Link, Mario, and the others gasped.  
"This barrel," declared Peach, "has a Bob-omb in it! In a few seconds, it will explode, flooding the entire house with honey! How delightful!" She giggled a bit, then began to count.  
"Five…"  
Link and Marth tried to force their way through the wall of honey.  
"Four…"  
DK and Ganondorf writhed on the ground.  
"Three…"  
Somewhere else, Nana whipped Popo.  
"Two…"  
Ness and Mewtwo gasped as the chemical analysis on the leaves was finished.  
"_One…_"  
Kirby dived into the room, screaming "Noooooo! MY SUGAR-COATED HONEY!" He inhaled the barrel as he flew by, landing on the ground, then swallowed.  
The barrel exploded inside Kirby, filling his mouth with that delicious honey taste. No-one else was harmed.  
"I guess it's a happy ending," said Link, breathing a sigh of relief.  
"Thank goodness for-a Kirby and his ridiculous-a appetite," concluded Mario.  
Ness and Mewtwo ran towards them, panting.  
"Everyone!" shouted Ness. "According to our tests, someone covered the leaves with a compound which made them fall more quickly and easily!"  
"But that means…" said Young Link.  
"…that somebody deliberately trapped us in here…" said Samus.

Duh duh duh…

"That was a cliffhanger?" said Roy. "That sucked!"

Review and I might actually stop annoying people by posting this trash! (Wow… all this garbage in 36 hours…)


	9. Samus and Zelda's Missile Adventure

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: That which I might ever have claimed: may it never be claimed again without my laying claim to it when indeed I may correctly claim the right to claim such claims. Please read and review. Actually, just reviewing is fine, but reading it would be nice too.

**Chapter 9**

"What we need is more _time_," muttered Roy for the _n_th time, timing Marth's speed.  
"Yeah," said Marth. "It's _censored_-ing impossible! It takes at least half a second to strip _censored_, and then-"

-but now to some more child-friendly stuff.  
"SUCK, SLAVE DOG!" bellowed Nana, whipping Popo.  
"No! It's not even real, Nana, you can't-"

-but now to some more child-friendly stuff.  
"_Hey, Pichu,_" said Mewtwo. "_Do you want to… hang out? Despite the whole same-gender thing?_"  
"Pichu chip u?" _"What's gender got to do with it?"_  
Mewtwo grabbed Pichu by the-

-but now to some more child-friendly stuff.  
"Oh Zelda, my Zelda, why must you be Zelda?" asked Link rhetorically, kneeling in front of Zelda (as opposed to, for example, Captain Falcon). "Deny your royal name, and I will forget my past as Link, though-"  
"Besides the fact that absolutely _nobody_ will catch the reference to that trashy English playwright's equally trashy romantic comedy (death being funny), and if they do they'll boycott the story for the implications that we're of opposite genders than we seem, and the fact that a fanfic by any other name is still just as pitiable," said Zelda, "I honestly don't want to start romance… just yet. Yet."  
"Oh, fine," said Link huffily, getting up. "But know that my heart is as broken as a broken… broken thing," he finished unimpressively.  
"Uh… uh…" Zelda thought hurriedly – "Augh! The presence of the colour green! So _common_! It burns!"  
Horrified, Link raced out of the room.  
Zelda turned to her closest friend in the Smash Mansion, Samus. "Why do all the guys with the vaguest connections to royalty start courting me? Within the last day-"  
"Slow down, sis'." Samus stood up from her chair. "You know that half of them court anyone who might _possibly_ have a minute chance of lasting more than 3 seconds with them-"  
"As in Marth and Roy? Sluts… yeah, though I think they really wanted me to join their travelling _censored_. But what about Link? Ganondorf? _Bowser_?"  
"They're just whackos," said Samus. "They don't understand what an important decision love is for you… though, come to think of it, why aren't the other two evil dudes courting you? Mewtwo might be a bit too artificial, but DK – I wonder why he hasn't tried kidnapping you yet…?"  
At the sound of this, Zelda looked down to the ground sadly. _I bet he thinks I'm a stupid bimbo_, she thought. _Probably not even worth kidnapping. He doesn't care… so why do I? Why…_  
"**OMFG ON THE OTHER HAND**," said Samus, interrupting Zelda's thoughts, "I suppose you're asking me for advice because you want to stop them from trying to flirt with you every three minutes."  
"Yep," said Zelda.  
"Three minutes," said Bowser. "Marry me."  
"Get lost," said Zelda.  
Bowser walked away, rejected.  
"I can think of about three people here who I've consistently had to politely reject. My advice," said Samus, "is to respond to their gentle, loving, innocent and slightly amusing advances by firing missiles at them. If possible, try blowing up giant plants to unlock the Super Missile, which will increase your cap-"  
"-Uh, Samus," said Zelda, "I appreciate your advice, but I don't exactly have a missile launcher."  
"WHAT?" said Samus. "Since _when_ did royalty stop carrying heavy artillery?... oh, wait, they never did, did they?... anyhow, let's work on finding us the materials to make one whopper of a missile laun- I meant, Polite Refusal Dispenser™."  
(Note: PRD is a trademark of the Dr Salt company. Any infringements on this copyright notice will result in free bottles of Cokepsi or Pepscike, which are really, really bad – so bad that you should never, ever, even _think_ of drinking one.)  
Zelda nodded excitedly. "Right! Okay… though… uh… you said that three guys are after you. C Falcon is obvious; I think Fox might have given you the eye a couple hundred times, but who's the other one? Who else would want to see you take off your suit so badly?"

_Meanwhile…_  
"I wonder what Samus would taste like without the armour?" said Kirby.  
"Want… Samus' babies…" said C Falcon.  
"Do I want to know?" said Fox.  
"Food," said Kirby, eating the other two.

"It's-a me, Mario!" said Mario to Luigi.  
"I kind of knew that already," said Luigi.  
"Hmph," said Mario.  
"Pik…" sighed Pikachu, stumbling into the room.  
"Kooki bungle," said Peach, skipping into the room. "Like, get it? Because it's completely unrelated?"  
Luigi shot Peach a look. "What is-a it, Pikachu?"  
"Pikachu… pika! Pika chu chui ik!" _"Ugh… Mewtwo! He's trying to kidnap Pichu!"_  
"Now why on earth-a would he want to do that?" wondered Mario.  
"Maybe it's because of the Peach Viewer Mail program!" said Peach. "Get it? Because it's a blatant plug for-"  
"EXCUSE ME," said Theau Thor indignantly. "That was **not** a plug for my brother's story."  
"So it was…?" said Mario.  
"That was… a coincidence… uh… Luigi is your father."  
Mario spun around, confused. When he turned back, Theau Thor had disappeared through a plot-hole.  
"Pika, pi chuk chuk hiuk hiuk Pichu!" _"Come on, let's go save our mutual friend Pichu!"_  
The Mario brothers and Pichu raced off, leaving Peach alone.  
"My social life suddenly feels empty," said Peach, clutching her crown for no particular reason. "Does this mean that the imaginary teddy bear has turned me into a lunatic?"  
"_Moo_natic," murmured Falco, who still had an immense hangover (honey, not alcohol).  
"Ooh, a birdie," said Peach. "I'll add you to my special collection! But first I need to buy some five-cent coins!"  
She dragged Falco out.

Fox McCloud sat, eating a… uh… bowl of fox food (clever, eh? Fox food? Genius…), wondering if he would ever get out and breathe the open air again.  
"Fox," nodded Zelda, entering with Samus in tow. "Could you lend me a hand?"  
Fox looked up, eyed Samus, mentally slapped himself for eyeing Samus, eyed Samus, imagined Krystal slapping him for eyeing Samus, eyed Samus, imagined Fara Phoenix slapping him for eyeing Samus, eyed Samus, imagined Slippy slapping him for eyeing Samus, eyed Samus, accidentally slapped himself for eyeing Samus, and collapsed to the ground, unconscious (but still eyeing Samus).  
"See if he has a spare blaster," said Samus, checking Fox's food to see if it contained any secret missile expansions. It did not, so she decided that she would have to kick the table a bit.  
"Please don't kick me," said the table desperately.  
"It's too late for that," said Samus, kicking hard and painfully.  
"Got one," said Zelda.  
"Okay," said Samus. "Follow me."

"I wonder what Fox would taste like without the jacket?" said Kirby.  
"Don't even think of doing it," said Fox.  
"Dude," said Captain Falcon.  
"Not quite relevant," said Kirby, eating them both.

"Ooh," said Peach, pointing for Falco's benefit. "It's a giant pizza."  
"Hi," said the pizza. "You're not allowed to eat me yet."  
"Okay," said Peach brightly. "When can we eat you?"  
"You can eat me as soon as you tell me how many slices I have."  
"Hmm," said Falco, still slightly disoriented. "Might we have a… hintie hint?" Falco couldn't see the pizza – indeed, only Peach could see it (suggestive, eh?) but he understood the implications: they would have to **count** to obtain the correct number.  
"Okay," said the pizza brightly. "Some of my slices have **_cheese_**, and the rest don't. I have **2** slices with cheese and **2** slices with_out_ cheese."  
"_Challenging_," contemplated Falco.  
"I think it has two slices," whispered Peach conspiringly.  
"What makes you think that?" whispered Falco back.  
Peach giggled. "The number **2** appears so many times! It's like… _2_ lots of _2_ slices!"  
"I have the lurking feeling we're doing this wrong…" said Falco, unsure.

"Uh… I know that 2 plus 2 is 4?" said DK, confused.  
"Fair enough," said Ness, making notes. "I'm just trying to work out how much we all know; our intelligence, that sort of thing."  
"Why?" said DK.  
"Asks obvious questions," muttered Ness to himself, making notes.  
"Uh, Ness, is this going to be used against me?"  
"Worried about persecution… may have something to hide… tell me about your childhood, DK."  
"I grew up in a jungle," said DK proudly.  
Ness nodded. "Highly imaginative…"  
"I did **not** imagine that!" said DK indignantly.  
"Defensive and stubborn…"  
"Excuse me! Ness, I demand you stop this at once!"  
"Becomes controlling in response to threatening situations… do you _enjoy_ kidnapping princesses as much as Bowser or your father?"  
DK spluttered, "How DARE you?"  
"Finds princesses a sensitive subject… probably secretly admires them…"  
"I do not secretly admire every single princess I meet!"  
Ness looked up, interested. "Makes Freudian slips… admires one particular princess… tell me about, uh… Pauline."  
"Not too interesting," said DK.  
"Peach."  
"Okay, _she_'s just stupid."  
"Zelda."  
"May I have a drink?"  
Ness handed DK a bottle of sugar water. "Trust me," he said when DK glanced at the bottle curiously. "Most of the kids here drink it now and then. I know a couple of people are absolutely addicted to sugar."  
"Oh, okay."  
"But I'm still going to continue asking you about Zelda."  
"Darn. Uh… isn't the weather nice, Ness?"  
Ness smiled, reaching for a new pen. "Not gonna work."  
"Uh… look! A plane!"  
"Not gonna work."  
"Okay… who here's addicted to sugar?"  
"Not gonna work…"

"Pichu chu?" _"Will there be sugar in your room?"_  
"_Uh… yes, my sweet Pichu,_" said Mewtwo tenderly. "_I will let you have my… uh… sugar. It will be… uh… very sweet sugar. And genuine sugar, too, as opposed to-_"  
"Stop-a him!" shouted Luigi, bursting through a door in front of them.  
Mewtwo grabbed Pichu by the **don't worry I won't go there** and made tracks extremely hastily.  
"Pichu!" _"Yay! That tickles!"_  
"Pika chika chu!" _"No, Pichu, run!"_  
Pichu was slightly confused. Why should he run? Why was everyone screaming at him? Why was Mewtwo's flesh so abnormally warm? (Almost freezing point!)

"Jeez Laweez," said Falco appreciatively, "what on _earth_ do you need all those explosives for, ladies?"  
"Does it really matter?" said Samus.  
"Just romance stuff," said Zelda.  
"**_Oh_**," said Falco, understanding. He had had a bad experience with a bomb, a slightly drunk pink cat, and a bowling ball (I won't go into the details here, as I really don't think it would be suitable right now). "Then you'll want these babies. They should help you propel your things at about one light-year per second."  
"Uh," said Zelda. "Isn't that about 2 million times the speed of light? Isn't that impossib-"  
"MISSILES!" screamed Samus in utter ecstasy. "MISSILES KILL THEM ALL BOOM BOOM **every little Geemer will suffer the ULTIMATE DE-STRUCTION** and Zelda just because Falco's exaggerating it doesn't mean that we won't be able to BLOW THEM ALL UP WOO MISSILES JUST THINKING ABOUT CUTTING PEOPLE'S LIVES SHORT MAKES ME FEEL sooo steamy MISSILES BADA BOOM EXPLODE THEM ALL CAUSATIVELY!"  
"Right," said Zelda.  
"I'm starting to notice a disturbing resemblance to a cat who I won't name," said Falco, backing away with his arms up. "In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if Katt and Samus were good friends. Now, uh… I must go… for some perfectly believable reason…" he fled.  
Falco was right…

**--begin flashback--**

"NOVA BOMBS!" screamed Katt in utter ecstasy. "NOVA BOMBS KILL THEM ALL BOOM BOOM **every little bug under my feet will be crushed by the** NOVA BOMBS W00T!"  
"Uh-huh," said Samus unfazed. "Missiles are better."  
"Are not."  
"Are so."  
"Are not."  
"Are so."  
"Are not."  
Samus and Katt managed to fire bombs and missiles at each other simultaneously, causing the planet which they happened to be standing on to BLOW UP WOO EXPLOSIVES THEY WILL ALL DIE BOOM SO VERY HOT IN ALL POSSIBLE MEANINGS OF THE WORD.  
"Hey," said Samus. "Let's go kill someone."  
"Let's go kill sometwo," joked Katt. "Get it? _Two_?"  
Samus considered. "Uh… no."  
"Hmph," said Katt, firing a Nova Bomb at her own **don't worry I won't say that word**.

**--end flashback--**

By the way, Katt is some Kat – sorry, cat – from Star Fox 64. She and Falco have an item (they're looking into getting a couple more before moving to the checkout. Is this a metaphor? I don't know; go away).

"Hm…" said Falco. "Maybe – and this is just a suggestion, Peach – we shouldn't just take the number 2's, but _add_ them! You know? 2 plus 2?"  
"No," said Peach. "The answer is 2."  
"What about 2 times 2?"  
"The answer is 2."  
"Uh… 2 to the power of 2?"  
"It has to be 2!" said Peach. "It's like… fate!"  
"Okay," said Falco. "Magical pizza! You have **2** slices!"  
"_Correct_," pronounced the imaginary but very magical pizza. "Now I shall have to KILL YOU ALL!"  
"Yay!" said Peach.  
Falco fainted because he had been chewing on his arm for no apparent reason, resulting in a loss of blood. Logical? No. Funny? No. In this story? Naturally.

"Got-a him!" shouted Mario, diving into Mewtwo, tackling him to the ground.  
"_Curses,_" said Mewtwo. "_How will I be able to steal his electric powers now?_"  
"You were only after his electric powers?" said Mario, Luigi, and Pikachu.  
"_Yes… what… else could… I… be after…?_"  
Mario, Luigi and Pikachu shrugged and disappeared, dragging Pichu away by the… uh… tail.

"WE HAVE MISSILES!" screamed Samus, punching a hole in the roof, sending a small stream of leaves flooding in.  
"So now what?" said Zelda.  
"Please read and review," said Theau Thor.  
"Now we wait," said Samus, "and see if anyone comes that we can blow up."  
"I'm tired," said Theau Thor. "Right, everyone! Chapter over!"  
"But then we'll have to **wait** to blow people up!" moaned Samus.  
But Zelda's missile exploits will have to wait. Until then…


	10. It's the end of the world!

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: Actually, I don't own what you own, unless we co-own what you and I own. I also have an imaginary friend. Now READ AND REVIEW!

**Chapter 10**

"It's the end of the world!" decreed Captain Falcon as he fell down the stairs (he took the situation ever-so-slightly too seriously.)  
"Oh, is it?" said Peach, not looking up from the rather interesting magazine she was reading (it was about turnips!).  
"Yes," said Captain Falcon, as he started to froth at the mouth wildly.  
"Ooh, how very interesting," said Peach, attempting to bite her own neck, vampire-fashion, but to little effect (naturally).  
"Perhaps we should panic or something," concluded Captain Falcon.  
"Indeed-ly so," said Peach.

"MISSILES!" said Samus. "I LUV TEH EXPLODE KIL TEHM ALL KIL TEHM AL VILENTLY!"  
"Shouldn't we _find_ someone to blow up before we blow them up?" said Zelda, confused by this line of reasoning.  
"BOOMS!1" said Samus.  
Zelda sighed. "Uh… Marth! Come he-ere…"

"Hark!" said Marth gallantly, stopping in the middle of his _censored_ with Roy. "Do I hear Zelda referring to us by _name_?"  
"Yes!" said Roy. "Come, we must make our way to that _censored_-y _censored_, Zelda." And with Marth (and a small amount of difficulty), he stood up and headed out of the door, removing his _censored_ and putting on what people would call 'real clothes' on the way.

"Okay," said Young Link. "So stealing Luigi's money is out of the question. Surely there has to be _some_ way to get one!"  
Young Link, Popo, Nana and Kirby stared at each other, all the time thinking of how they could best obtain the newest gaming console: the amazing GameSuperellipsoid™!  
"Don't mean to sound rude," said Ness, striding into the room, "but we _are_ kind of trapped in this mansion indefinitely."  
"Oh, _yeah_," said Young Link. "That explains why we haven't gone to get ice cream or something yet!"  
"ICE CREAM!" screamed Kirby, half crying. "WANT ICE CREAM!" He collapsed to the ground and started pounding it with his fists.  
"I don't get it," said Popo. "What was so bad about the GameSpheroid™?"  
"Shut **up**!" yelled Ness, Young Link and Nana at the same time. Nana took the liberty of hitting Popo in the head with an ice pick.  
"Shut **up**!" yelled Theau Thor. "How many times do I have to tell you to **stop referring to that train-wreck called 'Summer Days'?**" He sulked a bit.  
"Hey…" said Ness. "We could still get ice cream or the like!"  
"ICE CREAM?" bellowed Kirby. "WANT ICE CREAM EAT EVERYONE!"  
"…" said Nana.  
"…yeah…" said Ness. "Yes… Kirby… ice cream… RUN!"  
The Ice Climbers, Young Link and Ness ran out of the room.  
Curiosity brought them back in slightly less than two minutes.

"Hi, everyone!" said Luigi. "Well, here we are at the meeting of Rejected-a Sidekicks!"  
"I am _not_," said Roy, "a sidekick."  
"Speak for yourself, _birdbrain_," hissed Falco.  
"_That was completely ironic,_" noted Mewtwo.  
"Shut-a up!" said Luigi. "We didn't- hey, since when are _you_-a a sidekick?"  
"I can do a side kick!" said Sheik the sheik.  
"GET BACK HERE!" screamed a slightly hysterical voice. "WE NEED TO BLOW THE PEOPLE UP!"  
After Mewtwo and Sheik had left ("How did that extra person get in-a here?" wondered Luigi), the three rejected sidekicks sat there glumly.  
"Why did Marth get rid of you, anyway?" asked Falco, poking at a grey feather.  
"Something about wanting to go it alone," said Roy. "That's fine, of course, but I would have thought that old Princie preferred group _censored_ to, well, one-on-one. Get it? One-_on_-one?"  
Luigi and Falco discreetly shifted their chairs back.

Mewtwo returned to his room and tripped over Pikachu and Jigglypuff.  
"_What on earth are you two doing here?_"  
The two little Pokemon whispered to each other. "Pika…" _"Well…"_ Pikachu nudged Jigglypuff, prompting Jigglypuff to nudge Pikachu, prompting Pikachu to nudge Jigglypuff, prompting Jigglypuff to nudge Pikachu.  
Mewtwo watched this fierce contest bemusedly until Pikachu emerged as the clear victor (he nudged Jigglypuff so hard that she went flying). Sighing in resignation, Jigglypuff coughed a bit, then spoke.  
"Jig iggly ig iggle ppu piguly guff gif jiggle pug!" _"I feel that this is too important to forget to ignore!"_  
"Pika pi…" _"No, the _other_ secret…"_  
"Jig. Ji… jih pug ip iglup." _"Oh. I… I don't want to say."_  
Mewtwo waited for them to tell him this secret, which was obviously very important.

"Okay," said Peach. "If it really _is_ the end of the world, we'd better put safety hats on!"  
Captain Falcon nodded in agreement. How could you go wrong with safety hats on? Obviously, you couldn't.  
"But where do we get tin foil hats?" wondered Peach. "It's like nobody keeps tin foil around here anymore." She smiled, lost in a brief twinge of nostalgia. "…oh well, we'd better try to find some."  
"Why tin foil?" said Captain Falcon. "I've heard that cement hats work even better!"  
"Wow!" said Peach. "If they work better, they must be better!"  
"Tautological fools," muttered Ness, walking past.  
Ness went into the entrance hall, where Young Link and Kirby were. "Have you two made any progress yet?"  
"No," said Young Link. "Obviously, we're going to need more than just a desktop fan to blow this mountain of leaves away."  
"_Please_," said Ness condescendingly. "The leaves barely go a hundred metres up – this is a _hill_ of leaves, not a mountain."  
"It's a figure of speech," said Kirby, his mouth half-filled with rotten carrots.  
"I know," sighed Ness. "I just feel so _tense_, so high-strung. It's the whole confinement thing. It's not good for people like us."  
Young Link nodded in agreement. "We've got to find a more efficient way of escaping. Why don't we…"  
"…blow them away?" said Ness, literally reading Young Link's mind. "True. Kirby, you have quite a strong breath, don't you?"  
Kirby was too busy inhaling a grand piano to reply.  
"…we'll take that as a yes," said Young Link. "Now where in Hyrule have Popo and Nana gotten to?"  
"_Nana_ and Popo!" corrected Nana, striding into the room and pulling her 'boyfriend' Popo in along with her.  
"Does it matter?" sighed Popo.  
"Yes," said Nana, "though I'd prefer you call us 'Nana and her Slave Dog'!"  
Ness shook his head. "Nana, I'd like to remind you again that Popo is not your slave dog, slave chicken, or slave in any form. I'd also like to remind you that slavery is illegal in every civilised country that I know of."  
"CHEAT!" proclaimed Nana, waving a finger at Ness.  
Kirby sighed, accidentally blowing Popo across the room in the process.  
Nana gasped, and wheeled around to blame Kirby. "YOU DAMAGED MY SLAVE DOG! Good slave dog," she added, smiling at Popo as if he was a… well, pet, I suppose.  
Young Link hit Nana in the head with the flat of his sword, and managed to knock her out (thus shutting her up as well – bonus!).  
"Okay," said Ness. "Let's all think-"  
"No thanks," said Kirby, opening up a bag of wedding cakes.

"I wonder why Marth is taking so long?" said Samus.  
"No idea," said Zelda, seating herself.  
"Grr," said Samus (she was growling (you probably knew that)). "But know how do we KILL people?" She wept bitterly.  
"No idea," repeated Zelda, rummaging in a handbag for a toffee.  
"Maybe…" said Samus slowly. "Hey, that's a great idea!"  
"Toffee?" offered Zelda, holding one out. Samus might have accepted, but as Kirby zoomed through the room at light speed, grabbing it, we'll never know. A Wigglytuff landed in place of the toffee.  
"That's not a toffee," said Samus.  
Both women screamed at the sight of the bunny-like Pokemon, which was now bobbing from side to side.  
"That's a Wigglytuff!" said Zelda.  
Peach played a laugh track.  
"LAUGH TRACK?" said Captain Falcon.  
"IT MEANS THE WORLD IS COMING TO AN END!" screamed Peach. She and C. Falcon raced out of the room, hoping to reach the tin foil – sorry, cement hats in time. Would they make it? (Yes.)

"_Just **tell** me,_" said Mewtwo, his patience beginning to wear thing.  
"Jig…" whispered Jigglypuff. _"Should we?..."_  
Pikachu frowned; Jigglypuff did have a bit of a point.  
The two little Pokemon leaned in close to further conspire.  
Mewtwo tapped his foot against the ground. Why wouldn't those two inferior fools simply _tell_ him what they were talking about?  
"Pika pi chik…" _"I think it's working…"_  
"_What's working?_" said Mewtwo.  
The two smaller Pokemon both blushed and Jigglypuff said, "Jig…" _"Nothing."_  
Pikachu nodded in agreement. "Pika; pik pikachu." _"Yes, nothing at all."_  
Mewtwo was becoming aggravated…

Roy, Luigi and Falco sat there for a while. After Luigi had whistled the Mario Bros. Overworld Theme about 3 hundred times, Roy spoke up.  
"Man, this blows. I wish I was back home, where everyone _censored_ me with _censored_ and _censored_." Just the thought of this was enough to make Roy's _censored_ stand tall and start to froth _censored_ _censored_.  
"I know," said Falco. "If only we could get out of this forsaken rock. The sooner the better, I say."  
"Agreed-a," said Luigi. "Although I would-a appreciate it if-a you were to stop touching my _censored_, as I do-a respect _censored_ and _censored_-a, thank you very much." He frowned, as he believed that Roy was acting even more vulgarly at present than he usually did, and if that was true, that was bad, as Roy's normal manner was not much better. Actually, well, I'd better not say.  
Sorry :-(.

Peach and Captain Falcon finally found the room where the cement hats were kept. They almost immediately managed to put them on.  
It was only after a few minutes that Captain Falcon realised that something strange was going on. "Hey," he said. "Why are there hats made of cement in this room? Come to think of it, who on earth would keep hats in a wine cellar?"  
Peach stroked her beard gently – Captain Falcon had a point. OKAY, I'M SORRY! (I don't know what made me write that sentence; ascribing a character features which he or she obviously doesn't have is a very bad idea when writing. Of course, I'm talking about the whole Captain Falcon having a point thing. But if what I said about Peach stroking her beard offended you, well, I don't apologise for that because I'm too tired now to remove the word 'not' from what I just typed.)  
"Hmm," said Peach. "Maybe it doesn't exist because I like eating chocolate!"  
"That wasn't the question!" said Captain Falcon, panicking. "Maybe the world came to an end two years ago and we don't really exist!"  
"Or maybe these aren't cement hats!" said Peach. She looked at their hats, horrified. "EEK! These are _newspaper_ hats! We must remove them now!"  
Peach and Captain Falcon hastily removed their hats and ran off in search of genuine concrete hats (or cement if they had no other options).  
Would they make it _this_ time? (Yes.)

"Has anyone else noticed," said Popo, as the others once again tried to remove from his neck the leash that bound him to Nana, "that despite all of our conversation and other interesting exploits today, we haven't actually achieved anything?"  
"Oh! Oh!" said Kirby. "I have! I have! Take that, you naughty imps! Oho!"  
"WTF?" said Theau Thor, who had no idea what that meant, and _he had written it_. That was, of course, bad news indeed. Indeedly indeed, as a matter of fact, even though, unbeknownst to any of them, 'indeedly' was not a word.  
"Yeah," said Popo, "well, then why don't we actually _do_ something?"  
"Popo," chastised Ness, "we were actually trying to escape this place only a few minutes ago. Surely that has to count for something?"  
"Well, why did we stop doing it?" said Popo.  
At this point, Nana woke up, and snarled like an extremely angry polar bear, distracting the others. She managed to rip off Young Link's hand before they could subdue her by means of tranquilizer dart.  
"My hand…" said Young Link. "My precious hand…"  
"What just happened?" said Popo. "I suddenly feel very afraid for all of us… is Nana going to kill us all?"  
"Probably," said Ness. "Young Link, I think there's a heart container in Peach's room, and before you ask, I have **no idea** why. Go get it; it should help your hand recover. Kirby, **give him the tomato**."  
"Never!" said Kirby, clutching a Maxim Tomato protectively. "MY TOMATO! MY LOVELY TOMATO!" He started crying, and inhaled Ness, because crying made Kirby rather hungry, and then inhaled Popo, because inhaling made Kirby rather hungry, and then inhaled Young Link, because inhaling multiple people made Kirby rather hungry, and then inhaled Nana, because Nana was a real pain.

_Inside Kirby's mouth…  
_"So," said Ness. "What do we do now?"  
"SEE? HE CHEATS!" said Nana, who had woken up (duh), pointing at Ness.  
"Let's try tickling Kirby from the inside," suggested Young Link, "so that-"  
"-so that he laughs, giving us the opportunity to escape!" said Ness, finishing Young Link's sentence for him.  
"I hate it when you do that," said Young Link. "Why can't you, for once, let-"  
"-let you finish your own sentences?" said Ness. "Not a bad idea; not a bad idea. Maybe I'll let you do that, someday. Meanwhile, we must escape Kirby!"  
And the kids quickly started tickling as hard as they could. Would it have any effect? They wouldn't know for a while…

"That does it," said Samus. "Zelda, the next person who comes into the room is going to get a pummelling from your new missile launcher, you hear me?"  
Zelda nodded in agreement. This was starting to sound as if it would be quite a lot of fun.  
Donkey Kong walked into the room, humming to himself a bit. "La, la… just goin' for a walk… hum dee hum… not expecting anyone to kill me… especially if said people love me… ba dum dum doopa daidum, daidum…"  
Zelda struggled with herself. _Donkey Kong_, she thought, _oh why; why did it have to be you?_ She raised the missile launcher and aimed it at him, but she couldn't bring herself to pull the trigger, no matter how hard she tried.  
"Come on, Zelda," said Samus. "Just shoot the stupid ape already."  
"Someone Zelda knows called me stupid!" said DK. "My life is a wreck…" he started to weep uncontrollably. Zelda, who was still struggling with the missile launcher, also began to weep uncontrollably.  
All this uncontrollable weeping was starting to annoy Samus. "That does it," she said, "I'm shooting him myself, Zelda. I'm sorry to deprive you of the pleasure of shooting Donkey Kong-"  
Zelda screamed in anguish.  
"-but if you keep on delaying and procrastinating the killing blow, he'll get away in time, and we can't let that happen, can we?"  
Samus raised her arm cannon, activated the missile launcher, and aimed-  
-but just as she fired, Zelda dived at the cannon, sending the missile astray. It missed Donkey Kong by the width of Peach's brain (that close - I know). DK quickly took advantage of the situation to walk out of the room.  
"Zelda, Zelda, Zelda," said Samus. "_Now_ who do we blow up? I know… I'll fire lots of MISSILES AT YOU, MY BEST FRIEND IN THIS FORSAKEN ROCK!"  
Samus started giggling maniacally, and if Kirby hadn't entered the room, also giggling manically, Zelda would probably have been blown up about… I don't know, a **hundred million times over**?  
As it was, both women spotted Kirby. "Quick, Zelda!" said Samus. "Blow _him_ up!"  
As Zelda was hesitating, Samus added further incentive. "He stole your royal toffees, Zelda!"  
At this, Zelda made up her mind. "Nobody eats my royal toffees," she said, raising the missile launcher, "and gets away with it!" And she fired.  
Missile after missile streamed into Kirby's face, sending him ricocheting all over the room. After Zelda had emptied a full clip into Kirby's face, the little pink puffball staggered to the nearest wastepaper bin and threw up. That is, he spat out Ness, the Ice Climbers and Young Link.  
"You saved us!" said Nana to Zelda. "You see? Violence solves all the problems in the world!"  
"I said that first," said Samus.  
"Did not," said Nana.  
"Did too," said Samus.  
"_Any_way," interrupted Young Link, "thank you so much, your Highness, and Samus, for saving our-"  
"-lives; we really appreciate it," said Ness, once again reading Young Link's thoughts.  
"Stop it!" said Young Link, throwing a bowling ball at Ness, who dived out of the way just in time.  
"SEE?" said Nana. "HE CHEATS! THE PRE-ADOLESCENT CHILD FROM ONETT CHEATS! CHEATING, CHEATING CHEATER! I SHALL CHEAT HIM; OH YES I WILL! AND WHEN I DO, HE'LL WISH THAT HE NEVER EVER CHEATED, EVER! THAT CHEATING CHEATER!"  
"I do _not_ cheat," said Ness, "and please stop talking in capitals. It's annoying."  
…the point being that in the end, everyone was satisfied, with the possible exception of Kirby, who then had to undergo extensive care from Mario, who was a doctor – the extensive care might have taken about _ten minutes_ for the entire treatment to take full effect, which is a good sign of how bad Kirby's injuries were. As for how Marth got sidetracked…?

Marth sniggered as he watched what Bowser did when he thought that nobody was watching. (Playing with toy cars.)

"Pich kichu…" _"Are you sure telling him is smart?..."_  
"Jig iggle pig ulg!" _"Hey, it was your idea!"_  
"_Stop it!_" raged Mewtwo. "_I'm sick of this! The suspense is killing me!_"  
Jigglypuff and Pikachu gave each other a high-five. "Pika pik chik chu!" _"We did it, Jig, we did it!"_  
"Jigglypuff!" _"Yayayayayay!"_  
They danced around a bit. Mewtwo suddenly caught on.  
"_Wait a minute…_" he said. "_Were you two trying to kill me with suspense?_"  
Jigglypuff and Pikachu nodded. Pikachu explained, "Pika ik chi uakip ai piakucha ik!" _"And we succeeded too – you said so yourself!"_  
Mewtwo didn't have the heart to tell them that it was a figure of speech. This was because Mewtwo was such an evil Pokemon that he didn't have a heart.


	11. UberQuiz: Part 1

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: Things happen. I can't guarantee that I will always not own all the characters in this story, however, at this time I certainly don't (own them). However, if my evil plan to steal Nintendo does work, I shall have full rights! None of you will be able to stop me then!

**Chapter 11**

"Right," said Zelda. "That's why I called you."  
"Wow," said Link, "I never would have guessed that we were consuming everything _that_ quickly."  
"Yeah, well, we are," said Zelda.  
"The last bag of coffee beans," said Link.  
Zelda nodded solemnly.  
"So what happens now? Is this it? Are we going to rot away here without our caffeine-fuelled energy drives?"  
"Possibly," said Zelda, "but first, let's worry about who gets this last piece of treasure."  
"We'll have to devise a fair way of giving our remaining coffee to everyone," said Link, cottoning on.  
"Exactly."

"You WHAT?" said Kirby.  
Fox groaned. "I. Ate. An. Apple. Just – an apple. One – apple. Not. Two. Only. One. Apple."  
"YOU ATE AN APPLE?" screamed Kirby. "The apple was **mine**; it was **all mine**! I shall have my revenge!" He grabbed a lollipop and zoomed out of the room, neglecting to return.  
"Do I want to know?" said Samus, strolling in as she read a magazine (it was about female serial killers (and how they managed to elude capture for long amounts of time (not that I'm implying anything about her here))).  
"Probably not," said Fox.  
"Right, then," said Samus. "Uh… Fox, do you have a spare Arwing or something lying around?"  
Fox became suspicious. "This wouldn't have anything to do with you having excess explosives on hand, would it?"  
"Oh, no," laughed Samus, trying to work out how many missiles she could spend blowing up Fox, realising that at most she'd be able to use about 256, and trying to work out what to do with the rest of her reserves.  
"Well," said Fox, "I don't think I have any here. You could try Captain Falcon's race car, though. He'd like that."  
Fox and Samus exchanged mischievous, conspiratorial glances.

"Well, at least _I_ have an F-Zero car," proclaimed Captain Falcon. "Beat _that_, birdbrain."  
"Watch it," said Falco, fingering his **laser blaster of death**.  
"Yeah?" said Peach. "Well I have a fingernail collection! So I beat you all!"  
"That's not impressive," said Mario, "that is-a disgusting. Now as-a for me, I have all the Mario merchandise _ever_!"  
"Wow!" All the others whispered among themselves in amazement and awe. Obviously the plumber was a highly-dedicated Mario fan!  
"Hmm…" said Captain Falcon, "well, have _you_ ever won a grand prix which involved _anti-gravity_?"  
"I'm still angry at you for stealing my G-Diffuser," said Falco. "Can I shoot him for that?"  
"No," said Peach, who knew a lot about sensible behaviour. She then pulled off all her clothes and attempted to make out with Falco's blaster while eating as many tins of cupcakes as possible.  
"Hmm…" said Falco, "I have the world record for being a jerk!"  
Everyone else clapped: this was quite an achievement indeed.  
"Hey," said Link, entering with Zelda and Kirby. "I have an important announcement to make!"  
"What?" said Falco. "We're out of cauliflower?" He smirked snidely, and started preening his feathers out of force of habit (and also because he didn't have any of that miracle keratin potion).  
"Worse," said Link, "we're down to our last bag of coffee beans."  
The screams that ensued drove every last person in the Smash Mansion into that room.

Okay, _almost_ every last person. I will concede that the kids didn't really care too much about coffee or anything, so once again they were left sitting together in a small room, trying to decide how best to wreak mayhem upon the rest of the unfortunate Smashers in as little time as possible. But sadly, after about ten minutes or so worth of pondering, they could not come up with any method of doing so.  
"I give up," said Nana. "Forget the whole chaos and mayhem thing; let's go make a pipe bomb."  
"PIPE BOMB PIPE BOMB!" said Young Link, who had gotten high on sugar.  
"Why?" said Ness, who considered this to be a fairly chaotic, mayhem-inducing idea, at least if one really thought about it for about two seconds.  
"Uh…" said Nana, "because… because… righteous cause… rebellion against our exploiters… unfairness… parity… send a message… in the name of freedom and great justice… all our bases are belong to them… section 2?"  
Silence.  
"SEE? HE CHEATS!" said Nana, pointing and waving at Ness, who, in frustration, of course, 'accidentally' psychically threw Nana into a broom closet. "Cheater…" she murmured quietly.  
"If we _were_ to build a pipe bomb," said Popo, "what would we do with it?"  
Young Link shrugged. "I dunno… maybe slip it into Bowser's shell?"  
Ness shook his head. "We've done it before; he's on to us."  
"Okay, how about… how about we use it to explode the kitchen?"  
"So that we all starve to death?"  
"Point taken." Young Link frowned. There _had_ to be a way of doing this; why shouldn't they be able to blow stuff up? Samus and Bowser blew stuff up all the time, so obviously there was a way to do it. But how…?

"Sharing the coffee beans won't make anyone happy," said Marth, "seeing as there's so few. Is there _anything_ we can do?"  
"No," said Theau Thor. "You'll just have to rot away as slowly and painfully as possible. And Marth, I'm killing you off first."  
Everyone looked at him weirdly.  
"What? He deserves it after last week's little Labrador incident…"  
Everyone continued to look at Theau Thor weirdly.  
"Why are you-? Oh, oh. Fine. I don't exist. I'm just a cameo appearance of… uh… wait! I'm not telling you my real identity! Never! And it certainly wouldn't have anything to do with taking the 'au' out of 'Theau' and moving it onto… I've said way too much." And tiki- sorry, The auTh- sorry, Theau Thor vanished in a puff of smoke (it was ice cream smoke).  
"What the heck is ice cream smoke?" said Link.  
"Isn't that like… duh?" giggled Peach, who liked giggling.  
"Seven!" said Mario.  
Everyone laughed at this highly intellectual joke.  
"That's not funny," said Fox, who was suddenly run over by Pikachu in a steamroller. "This is because I was killed. I do not like being killed."  
Theau Thor returned. "TIHS HAZ GOTN WAAY OWT OV HNAD."  
"_Fine_," said Jack.  
"Who the heck are you?" said Link.  
"Point taken."  
Everything went back to normal, which, of course, was impossible, as there is no such thing as normal and if there was the Smash Brothers would not qualify as such in any imaginable respect. So: everything went back to the level of believability that it had had about two minutes ago. See? Better!  
"Right," said Link, "I've come up with an interesting idea. This is how we're going to decide who gets the remaining bag of coffee beans: we will have an amazing Super Duper Quiz Show Edition!"  
"What?" said everyone else, because they weren't completely sure whether they had imagined that or Link had gone absolutely stark-raving mad.  
"We," said Link _very slowly_, "will run a small game show, of which the winner will be given the final bag of coffee. This is a fair, logical process."  
"That's not fair!" said Captain Falcon. "What about people who are no good at answering even simple questions, like… like… like me?"  
"Uh," said Link, "okay, it's a _moderately_ fair process."  
Mewtwo then said, "_But what about vastly superior and much more intelligent beings, such as me?_" He said this very humbly, because Mewtwo was a very humble psychic Pokemon.  
"Okay," said Link, "how about this: at the end of every round we kill off the most intelligent person in the room, prompting people to try to achieve a careful balance of correct and incorrect answers. After this, all rules are inverted such that the final answer will always involve cheese. If the final answer is possibly not goat heads, we then change into extra-time mode, where we kill off the fattest, juiciest person in the room and grind his or her body to beans so that we can use him or her to make coffee, allowing for the same, highly caffeinated feeling with a slight aftertaste of guilt and disgust."  
"I liked the game-show idea better," said Bowser. "I actually had a **freakin' clue what you're talking about** while we were still considering that."  
"Okay," said Link, "perhaps we could just burn the beans so that nobody gets them. That way we avoid the inevitable coffee envy and other evils like… like people trying to turn other people into coffee beans, even if that was what I just suggesting and may I very quickly plug our upcoming story, '25'? It's extremely exciting and the plot twists will be sensational and we'll probably publish it in exactly three months so be sure to look out for it. Another good reason we should do this is, because of the precedent of Kirby stealing the-"  
"I did _not_ steal that fridge!" said Kirby. "The cookie jar did it!"  
"Right. We believe you. Okay… and QUIZ SHOW TIME!"

_A few minutes later…_  
"Okay," said Link. "First question! The group of famous people who regularly get together under Master Hand's direction for friendly fighting competitions are known as…?"  
Blank stares all around.  
"Anyone?" said Link.  
Captain Falcon raised his hand. "The Sayger Awl-Tsars?"  
"Nope," said Link. "Zelda! Deduct him five points."  
"Already on to it," said Zelda, waving a clipboard to reinforce this fact.  
Nobody else tried to answer.  
"Okay…" said Link, "it's three words. First word is Super…"  
"WE'RE ALL BURNING!" screamed Kirby, inhaling his own eyes.  
"Second word is Smash…"  
Luigi raised his hand. "Is it-a Super Smash Sorority?"  
Link paused, his eyes wide. "Any particular reason you choose that word, Luigi? And it's wrong."  
"Just a guess-a," said Luigi, shrugging.  
Link sighed. "Third and last word begins with B… they're called the Super Smash B… Br… Bro…"  
"Super Smash Brothel!" yelled Marth and Roy at the same time.  
"NO!" said Link. "IT'S NOT A BROTHEL! WE ARE NOT A BROTHEL! WE ARE DUBBED, THE 'SUPER SMASH BROTHERS'! Am I stuck in this mansion with a bunch of COMPLETE NUTCASES?"  
"Uh," said Kirby, raising his hand, "is the answer 'Bradley Buxton'?"  
"No!" shouted Link, his face turning red. "I just _told_ you that the stupid answer to the stupid question is Super Smash Brothers, Kirby! Shut up, okay? Okay?"  
"Do you get five points?" said Kirby.  
And Link wept.

"Pichu, chu chip!" _"Look, I'm wearing sunglasses!"_  
Pikachu and Jigglypuff smiled feebly. "Pika, chik…" _"Wow, that's…"_  
"…jig iggle pig." _"…that's very nice, Pichu."_  
Pichu, the poor thing, really believed that his two friends were being sincere, and consequently strutted around the room, showing off his sunglasses from **different angles**! That was rather cute, was it not?  
"Pika pi." _"No, it was not."_  
Oh. Well, I do suppose I can tell you what they were thinking about, instead. Pichu was thinking about how his sunglasses made him even more cute and attractive to those people who are suckers for cute little Pokemon. Pikachu was thinking about how he hated sunglasses so much and whether or not it was possible to lose Pichu's glasses in such a way that it looked like a complete accident. Jigglypuff was wondering about the calcium content of the sunglasses, because Jigglypuff wanted lots of calcium in her diet for strong healthy bones, even if she was a balloon Pokemon and had none.

Meanwhile, Nana and Ness worked silently and efficiently to create the most explosive pipe bomb that the world would ever see. Young Link watched in silence, occasionally nibbling on a piece of metal because he wasn't sure what metal tasted like and if it tasted good he wouldn't mind eating some more.  
"How long do you think it will take?" said Popo.  
"As long as it needs to," said Ness and Nana simultaneously. Nana glared at Ness. "You stole my words. You _cheat_. You cheating cheat."  
"You two are just evading the question – how long are we going to spend _making_ the bomb? This is getting boring! I want mayhem!"  
Young Link nodded sagely. "We all want mayhem deep down in our hearts, but we must learn to listen to the wisdom that is patience."  
"You're copying Zelda's little speeches verbatim," said Nana, "and I don't even need to use mind-reading, cheating powers to work that one out." ("I do not cheat," protested Ness.)  
Young Link nodded. "Yeah, well, I guess being stuck with Link and Zelda all the time makes them rub off on me."  
"Well, they'd have to rub off on you," said Popo, "because you have to mature to become Link in about seven years' time, and obviously giving yourself a positive circular influence would explain how it happens quite plausibly."  
"Yeah," said Ness, "because as Zelda and Link educate you, you can then progress to become a better person, who, in seven year's time from your point of view, will work with Zelda to educate your younger self, currently you."  
"I _hate_ this time-travel nonsense stuff!" said Young Link. "Why doesn't anybody call me by my name – _Link?_"  
"But it's confusing when there are two people with the same name."  
"Is big Link me?"  
"What?" said Popo.  
"Am I Link?"  
"I think that one day you will be him and he once was you."  
"What's the difference?"  
"Heck, I don't know!"  
"I feel a distinct sense of déjà vu," said Young Link.  
"Maybe it's related to SD-3," said Ness. "You know? Giant conspiracy?"  
"Oh, for crying out loud," said Theau Thor, materialising before them, "can you just _lay off_ the Summer Days references for once? Do you know how hard it is to shake off the bad reputation I earned for writing that? Well, let me tell you: it's _real_ hard!"  
"Uh," said Popo, "theoretically, isn't it _your_ fault that we happened to plagiarise your first and worst story ever? You know, you being the auth- sorry, Theau Thor and all?"  
"Well-"  
"-and aren't you as a cameo a throwback to a certain story?"  
"LAY IT FREAKIN' OFF ALREADY!" shouted Theau Thor (in capitals!). "At this rate, it's going to look like I'm trying to _encourage_ people to read that train-wreck of a story. Listen, everybody! **I am not trying to get you to read certain stories! This entire conversation is _not_ a plug for Summer Days!**"  
"So, what is this conversation?" said Ness.  
Theau Thor fumed. "I'll be back. And I'm not letting you go off all nice and merrily. Oh, no, you're staying here. I think I'll make this chapter a two-part one. Serves you all right for being so rude to me, the autho- Theau Thor!"  
Theau Thor used his magical powers of randomness to turn all the doors and walls of the room to stone, and then magically vanished, leaving only a flock of rabid parrots in his wake.  
"We so need a new author," said Popo.  
"_Pipe bomb_," said Nana pointedly.  
They went back to work on that explosive little number, as they had nothing else to do.

"Okay," said Link, calming down. "I think all the major veins in my head have exploded, so I'm nice and **_CALM_** now."  
"Good," said Zelda. "So – back to the quiz, everyone!"  
And so the next round of the coffee bean quiz began!

Come to think of it, if this is a two-part segment, I ought to stop just about n-


	12. UberQuiz: Part 2

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: If you really believe that I own any of the characters here besides Theau Thor, you have problems. You really have problems.

**Chapter 12**

Last time: the Smashers were trapped in the house! The kids were trapped in a room! Everyone else fought a fierce battle of wits to obtain the final jar of coffee beans! And the author CORRECTION Theau Thor started running around making this story even more random than it already was!

Now…

"Okay," said Link, "it's time for us to start the next round of the coffee quiz!"  
"Let's go!" said Bowser.  
"Okay. First question: what is my name?"  
Everyone jumped up and started shouting at once.  
"Everyone, _calm down_," said Link, "okay. Kirby was first, so Kirby, what was your answer?"  
"Uh… is the answer 'Bradley Buxton'?"  
"Who the- what the- no, Kirby, the answer is _not_ Bradley Buxton."  
"Oh," said Kirby, looking mildly disappointed.  
Samus jumped up and down on the spot, accidentally breaking a lamp. "Oops…"  
"Samus!" said Link, "your answer is…?"  
"Wha-? Oh, is it 'Link'?"  
"Why, yes it is," said Link, breathing a sigh of relief now that he knew that he wasn't the only sane person in the building.  
"Well, then," said Samus, "do I get five points?"  
"Yes, you do," said Link. "Zelda! Mark it down."  
"Already done," said Zelda, reaching in her royal handbag for some scones. She hesitated. "Does anyone else want some royal scones with apricot jam?"  
"I do! I do!" said Kirby.  
"Anyone aside from the obvious?"  
Link sighed. At this rate, they would all starve to death before they worked out how to distribute the last of the coffee.

"Must… finish… pipe bomb…" muttered Nana as she attempted to shove explosives into a tube with a pick-axe. (Try it, kids! The Lon Lon Cow says that it's safe!)  
"Why don't we try getting out of here first?" said Popo, watching Ness and Young Link trying to chisel through the doors, which had randomly been turned into stone.  
"Quiet, slave dog," said Nana.  
"Look, I'm sick of this 'slave dog' thing, okay?" said Popo angrily. "I've tried and tried to tell you before, but once again, I am _not your slave dog_!"  
"Oh, yeah?" said Nana, smiling strangely.  
"Uh, whatever you're about to do, don't," suggested Popo hopefully.

They didn't hear Popo's screams from through a locked door, but wow were those Smash Brothers having a good time with the quiz.  
"Okay," said Link, "two more questions this round: first, Peach's dress is usually what colour? Yes, Peach?"  
"Uh… purple?" said Peach.  
Zelda subtracted 5 points from Peach's score.  
Mario raised his hand. "Her dress-a is pink."  
"Yes, that's correct," said Link tiredly, "five gold st- sorry, five points for you."  
Everyone clapped appreciatively, as obviously this had been a very hard question. That is, if you had no memory whatsoever, and were completely blind, and couldn't hear Link chanting "_pink_, _pink_" under his breath constantly.  
"Nice," said Zelda, "Mario, Samus and Fox are doing quite well."  
"Right!" said Link. "Last question for the round: Fox is what kind of anthropomorphic animal?" (I like long words.)  
"Uh… a Bradley Buxton?" said Kirby.  
"Ooh, let me guess, is he a _fox_?" said Bowser sarcastically.  
"Good work!" said Link. "Careful, I might ask _real_ questions next round…"  
"Uh oh," said Kirby.

"Right," said Theau Thor, materialising before the kids yet again, "I've finally worked out what's wrong."  
"And what is that?" said Nana, trying to squeeze more liquid hydrogen into the pipe bomb.  
"The problem is that I haven't killed you all off yet."  
"But why would you want to do that?" said Ness. "It is us kids who get you all your reader attention."  
"It is?"  
"Now it is," said Ness, nodding in a way he hoped was sagely.  
"DEATH TO THE SMALL!" screamed nobody in particular.  
"Uh, I'll have to think about that," said Theau Thor. "Meanwhile, because I have full literary control over the world, I shall turn your precious pipe bomb into a club sandwich." He giggled, because he was really quite insane, even if his grammar was exceedingly good.  
The pipe bomb turned into a club sandwich.  
"Wow," said Young Link, who was surprised that he had seen this coming.  
"Wow," said Popo, who was surprised that there existed a club sandwich larger than him and Nana combined.  
"But my _pipe bomb_," said Nana, who really missed their pipe bomb.  
"Oh, well, we can't do anything about it," said Ness. "I mean, it _is_ the author-"  
"Theau Thor," snarled Theau Thor.  
"-Theau Thor's decision whether or not we ever finish the pipe bomb."  
"So do we?" said Nana hopefully.  
Theay Thor considered that, then shrugged. "Uh… that's secret information."  
"You haven't worked that out yet, have you?" said Young Link.  
"Back to the quiz!" said Theau Thor, ending the paragraph.

"Right," said Link, "Bowser, Mario, Fox and Samus are now in the lead. I'll now ask each of them a question each, several times. These questions are worth _15_ points either way."  
"Exciting," said Kirby. "Is the answer Bradley Buxton?"  
"Kirby," sighed Link, "who the heck is Bradley Buxton?"  
"Bradley Buxton?" said Kirby, raising his hand.  
"KIRBY!" shouted Link.  
"Yes?"  
"Why do you keep saying 'Bradley Buxton' in response to my every question?"  
"I like that too," said Kirby. "What? Oh. Well, Bradley Buxton, as you ought to know because you're a potential consumer, is the newest designer brand of candy and/or lollies! You won't believe the range of all-natural products they have to offer anyone! It's like a dream come true for any single or married, old or young, male and/or female individual!"

NOTE: Bradley Buxton lollies are made from 100 natural ingredients, including **bile**, **mould**, and **road kill**, as well as everyday minerals such as **vitamins B and C**, **stainless steel**, **ivory**, and **keratin**.

"Wow, that was an infotainment experience!" said Kirby wonderingly.  
Marth shook his head. "That instance of product placement sucked even more than I suck Roy's _censored censored censored_ whenever you all _censored_ are unavailable to be _censored_ among other things, such as _censored_!"  
"It's that bad?" said Kirby, confused.  
"Yes, it is!" said everyone else, because they didn't understand the wonderful innovation that was the feel-good whole meat grain powder protein health vitalising buzzword known as Bradley Buxton's.  
"Oh," said Kirby. "I feel a bit disillusioned and homicidal. I think I'll go eat someone alive. Someone like Yoshi."  
Yoshi cried because he was about to meet his fate.  
"This entire story is tasteless," said Theau Thor. "I'm still not quite sure why I decided to write it. I rather fancy that if I just stopped altogether, everyone in existence would be a lot happier. Just my two cents. Back to the quiz!"  
Everyone whispered excitedly, as the next round was about to begin.  
"Bowser!" said Link. "Does 'De Island De Bowser' exist?"  
"NO!" shouted Bowser. "It's no such thing! It's a cheap publicity stunt pulled by a couple of low-grade Fungi Kingdom tourist operators hoping to draw in unwary travellers! I do not own or live on any such place as 'De Island De Bowser'! Do you hear me? All lies! All lies!"  
"Correct," said Link meekly, as he was aware that Bowser's flaming breath and razor-sharp claws had missed him by millimetres during that very happy little speech. Very happy it was.  
"Woo!" said Bowser. "I get fifteen points!"  
"Yes," said Link. "Remember, not answering is the same as getting it wrong, so you might as well have a go. Mario! You're next."  
Mario fidgeted nervously.  
"Mario, what is Samus' last name?"  
Mario froze, and started to think quickly. He nearly panicked; he hadn't heard the name for ages! What was it, again…?  
"It's Smith," whispered Samus.  
"Smith-a!" shouted Mario. "Samus' last name is-a Smith!"  
"No," said Link, "I'm afraid you're wrong. Fifteen points from you. As this is a special round, Fox gets the question as well. So, what is it, Fox?"  
Fox got really confused because he was supposed to know Samus' name because he was supposed to be infatuated with Samus and then he got really confused and then because he was so confused he started thinking of other rather hot (literally, of course; what do you take me for?) people such as… ooh la la…  
Everyone waited with bated breath.  
"Is her name Samus Munroe… I meant Phoenix… I meant Krys… Thornt… pass?"  
"You lose fifteen points as well," said Link. "I'm afraid this means that Bowser is in the lead, Samus is second, and you and Mario are now back to fourth and fifth place what with Falco squeezing in third."  
Everyone muttered among themselves; Falco looked oddly smug.  
"So, Samus," said Link, "for fifteen points, what is Samus' last name?"  
"Aran?" said Samus.  
"Correct!" said Link. "You are now five points ahead of Bowser just like a moment ago! Speaking of which, we'll now quiz the top four again. That's Bowser and Samus, Falco, and… uh… I don't like Fox… and Mario."  
Fox scowled, but then got attacked by a rabid Pichu, and collapsed to the floor screaming.  
"Bowser," said Link, "what are you wearing besides the shell on your back?"  
"Nothing!" said Bowser indignantly. "My shell is all the-"  
Marth and Roy made meaningful noises, glancing at all the females in the room, as well as Yoshi, who then said "Arararararararar," presumably because they thought that he wanted to be friends with Bowser, or perhaps because Fox was now rolling around on top of Yoshi's head.

"So," said Theau Thor, "if you're really so clever, Nana, why don't you use the pipe bomb to blow open the walls and escape the room?"  
"Because you turned my precious bomb into a _sandwich_?" said Nana angrily, trying to stuff explosives into the sandwich, but with little success.  
"Are you blaming me?" said a harassed Theau Thor. "Because I won't stand for it. Don't make me introduce the rofl pony as a character…"  
"You wouldn't!" said Young Link, shocked.  
"What do you mean?" said Nana. "Who's the rofl pony?"  
"Ever watched that game show on HTV?" said Young Link. "The one where all those teams race around the world without co-hosts?"  
"…the show which they filmed three millennia ago and finally started to air and the one where we got kicked out because Popo sucked?" said Nana.  
Young Link thought of saying something in Popo's defence, thought better of it, and nodded. "Well, the most recent episode had this extremely annoying character called 'the rofl pony', which stood around and looked weird."  
"Yep," said Theau Thor. "And I'm proud to say that for once, I had nothing to do with an absolutely awful idea. You hear that, certain people named Hoogiman? All your writing is awful. Absolutely awful."  
"Agreed," said the kids in unison, because they felt really strongly about the subject, too. Obviously Theau Thor didn't make them say this. Obviously this is what the characters would always say.  
"Right!" said Theau Thor. "Now, for helping me flame a rival, you can have your pipe bomb back!"  
The club sandwich turned right back into a pipe bomb.  
"Yay!" said Nana, who was very pleased about this turn of events.  
Theau Thor then said, "Yes, well, I'm bored with writing about you. Let's see how the quiz is going."

"So," said Link, "the top four are, in alphabetical order: Bowser, Falco, Mewtwo and Samus. Let's see how we go! Everyone else: you suck; you're all out. You four have your scores reset to zero."  
Zelda nodded. "Got that. Scoring changes now. One point for a correct or incorrect answer, but you can't go below zero. Lowest score is out."  
"To whoever can answer this-"  
"Bradley Buxton's all-natural gummy bears?" said Kirby, eating Yoshi.  
"-and this round is timed; we have two minutes-"  
"PICHU CHU CHI PICH CHU!" _"TIME IS RUNNING OUT!"_  
"-the first question is, who am I? Born in the-"  
"Link," said Samus.  
Link sighed. "I suppose you're correct. I am Link. Next question – who am I talking about? Born in the Mushroom Kingdom, raised by royalty, and used to being served with the best service imaginable, this person is the epitome of the racist stereotype for blond-"  
"-Peach?"  
"Correct," said Link. "Mewtwo and Falco, you'd better be careful."  
"_I will,_" raged Mewtwo. Mewtwo rages a lot.  
"Next question: what is four minus four thirds plus four fifths minus four sevenths plus four ninths minus four elevenths, etcetera?"  
"_Pi,_" said Mewtwo.  
"Yes," said Link. "Obviously I didn't deliberately ask such a hard question so that Mewtwo would have a chance of winning. Of course not. Next – the pink anthro feline who stole a ship and painted it with glitter is called Katt…"  
"Monroe," said Falco with a weird expression on his face.  
"Okay," said Link. "If I'm not mistaken, you all are tied on one point."  
"Yep," said Zelda, nodding and swiping a few coffee beans while nobody else was looking.  
"So," said Link, "is this the end?"  
"No," said Zelda. "I'll ask one more question, and whoever out of you for gets it right first earns the right to win the coffee beans."  
Everyone gasped. What was Zelda doing? And what kind of question would she ask that was so difficult that the person who answered correctly would most certainly deserve to win the coffee beans?  
"Save it for later," said Link, "I want to see this through to the end."  
"_Fine_," said Zelda.

"Nana and Popo seriously need character development," whispered Ness to Theau Thor.  
"Don't talk to me about character development. I get enough character development playing Space Invaders."  
"There is no character development in Space Invaders. You've never played it, have you?"  
Theau Thor decided that he wanted Ness to shut up. Ness shut up.  
"So," said Nana, "can I blow stuff up yet?"  
Popo shook his head. "We should try to improve th-"  
"SHUT UP, SLAVE DOG!"  
Theau Thor used his literary powers to turn Popo into a slave moose (to annoy Nana) and then went back to arguing with the other two.  
"Moose… but he's a slave dog… not a slave moose…" Nana was nearly in tears. "I wanted a _slave dog_! This is a rip off! I want my money back!"  
"You never paid anything for Popo!" said Young Link.  
"I don't know why I even bothered with this side story," said Theau Thor. "This sucks. I'm going back to the quiz again."

Back at the quiz, Falco was stammering in shock. "You… you can't just tell me that I can't have it… they're my coffee beans! _My_ coffee beans!"  
"I'm afraid you're out of the running," repeated Link. "We asked a few tough questions, you answered less than everyone else, and so you _lose_. Loser."  
"You can't call me a loser just because I lost – oh, wait. You can." Falco sat down to reflect upon this new, interesting thought.  
"So," said Link, "right now, Bowser is on 5, Samus on 3 and Mewtwo on 2. Get it? Mew-two? And he scored 2?"  
Nobody laughed.  
"You're just as funny as me!" said Peach.  
"NOOOO!" said Link, who didn't want to have anything to do with Peach, although, admittedly, having an equally bad sense of humour wasn't nearly as disturbing as having an equally bad level of intelligence.  
"Keep on going…" said Bowser impatiently.  
"Okay!" said Link. "Let's reset the scored. Next person to get a question wrong is out; if the other two are both 2 or more points above you, you're out in that case too. Passing doesn't count as getting it wrong. Let's go!  
"Bowser, what is the first name of Princess Toadstool?"  
"Easy," said Bowser. "Peach."  
"It is?" said Peach, who had only just realised this. "My name is Peach!" she squealed in delight. "I know my name!... what was it, again?"  
Link nodded. "That's 1-0-0 to Bowser. Mewtwo, what would a Pikachu evolve into?"  
"_Raichu,_" said Mewtwo confidently.  
"Yes. We would also have taken 'Gerbilman' as an answer, though I'm not sure why. Samus! What is Fox's father's name?"  
"Uh… is it… no. Pass."  
There were a lot of boos and hisses from the crowd, soon followed by a lot of missiles being fired at those people. Those people wisely shut up.  
"Bowser!" said Link. "Fox's father's name is…?"  
"Er… James?"  
"Right. Mewtwo – and may I remind you that if you get this right, Samus is out of the running and we begin the last round – how many nervous nuclei do Metroids have?"  
"_Two? That's not my answer… hm… accursed mortals… I pass, you vile despicable and quite inferior creature of filth,_" said Mewtwo pleasantly.  
Samus breathed a sigh of relief.  
"The answer is?" said Link, looking at Samus.  
"Three."  
"Wow, we're all really surprised that she knew that," said Bowser sarcastically, which was very funny because Bowser was funny.  
"Okay!" said Link. "That's 2-1-1, still Bowser's favour. Bowser, what is the name of the male Ice Climber?"

"Popo," said Ness, "are you a moose?"  
"Okay," said Theau Thor, "I suppose that this doesn't make much sense within this particular story universe." Popo turned back to normal and was immediately whipped by Nana.  
"Now to use our pipe bomb to blast open a wall!" shouted Nana in triumph. "I'm doing this because it's absolutely necessary!"  
"By the way," said Theau Thor, "I'll just make a wall disappear so that you can escape." He did.  
"Curse you," muttered Nana.

"Samus!" said Link. "What is the majority of the surfaces of Aquas, Aqua Star, Big Blue, and-"  
"Water."  
"Correct. 4 all. Bowser! How many Mario brothers are there?"  
"Two," growled Bowser.  
"Mewtwo! What colour are the eyes of a Wigglytuff?"  
Mewtwo thought about this. While he thought, a Wigglytuff ran into the room singing and was promptly eaten by a pink puffball. Disturbingly, that pink puffball wasn't Kirby.  
"Pika pi…" _"Cannibal…"_  
Jigglypuff shook her head very innocently, and Pichu playfully tried to bite Pikachu. Pikachu got rabies from Pichu this way.  
"Green," said Mewtwo.  
"Correct! Samus, the Triforce has how man-"  
"Three," interrupted Samus.  
"This is intense," muttered Zelda, who was working furiously to keep the scores up to date while everyone cheered on.  
"Bowser!" said Link. "What act of spontaneity destroyed Gigyas?"  
"Pass."  
"Mewtwo?"  
"Pass."  
"Samus?"  
"Pass."  
"It was praying," said Link. "Bowser, were you the one who stole my Master Sword last night?"  
"Pass."  
"Mewtwo?"  
"_Yes?_"  
"Nope," said Link, "I'm afraid the Master Sword wasn't stolen by Bowser, but instead by Kirby."  
"Curses," said Kirby. "And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you pesky grownups and your dog-"

"Slave dog," corrected Nana.

"-anyway," said Link, "Mewtwo is out. It's down to Bowser and Samus. Zelda, you may now ask your impossible question. No penalty for wrong answers, just first correct wins."  
"Okay," said Zelda, clearing her throat.  
Everyone waited with bated breath.  
"Who do I have a secret crush on?" Zelda immediately gasped. Why had she said that? She didn't mean to say that! She was supposed to ask how many licks it took to get to the centre of a Bradley Buxton lollipop!  
"_Link,_" guessed Mewtwo.  
"_Yoshi,_" said Samus.  
Yoshi thought that Samus was talking about her next victim, and consequently started crying again.  
"Wrong," said Zelda quietly.  
There was a brief moment of silence.  
Everyone wondered who it could be.  
And for a moment, everything was calm.  
**Every single person in the mansion started screaming out their names or friends' names** with the possible exception of Peach who didn't have any friends and didn't know her name, and it sounded awful.  
"CAPTAIN FALCON! GANONDORF! LINK! ME! HIM! HER! EVERYONE! PEACH! PICHU! THE MALE ICE CLIMBER!"  
Zelda completely broke down and started crying.  
Donkey Kong took advantage of the chaos to grab the bag of coffee beans. He whirled around to make his escape only to find the tip of Link's sword jammed against his throat.  
"Don't you dare," hissed Link.  
"IS IT MARTH?" shouted someone.  
"NOO!" screamed Zelda. "Don't hurt DK!"  
"Why not?" said Link.  
"IS IT YOU?"  
"Because," said Zelda, "I love him."  
DK squirmed free and looked at Link. The two men said at the same time, "Are you serious?"  
Looking at Link and realising what she had said, Zelda stammered, "No! No! Of course not! No…" She broke down and cried even harder.  
"IS IT THEAU THOR?"  
"You know, that would be cool," said Theau Thor wistfully. "Maybe next story."  
"She doesn't love me after all," said DK to himself. "My life is worthless!" He broke down completely as well, and wept.  
"DO YOU LOVE BRADLEY BUXTON?" shouted Kirby.

"I like chaos," said Theau Thor. "Really, I do. Unfortunately, I've been called away to do some random thing or other… stupid Orwellian joy-camps. Well, until then, may you fantasize about everyone falling in love with me, uh, because I say so? Meh. I think I'll stop here. Please review; please review, and also try to review this if you can. Reviews would be appreciated, because I like reviews. Thanks for all the support and everything, and see you in a couple of weeks… reviews… see you then!"  
Okay, maybe two-and-a-half weeks. What's it to you?


	13. Return of Randomness

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: Three hundred and forty-three.

**Chapter 13**

NOTE: The friendship workings between the smaller Pokemon was my idea as far as I know; I made it up for a story called '25' which I am supposed to hype. Uh… please read it. When it's done.

"Ig i pig ujip?" _"So why exactly are we doing this?"_  
"Ik i pik uchip?" _"Pichu, why are we doing this?"_  
_"Because it's going to be fun!"_ said Pichu ecstatically.  
"Yeah…" said Pikachu, "fun. Could you have the courtesy to tell us what exactly this, er, 'fun', involves?"  
"No!" said Pichu. "It's a secret!"  
"Ooh!" said Jigglypuff, clapping her hands and bobbing up and down. "I like secrets! Ooh… is it ten dollars?"  
Pikachu shot Jigglypuff a weird look. "Pichu, perhaps you should ignore some, or preferably most of what Miss Pink Weirdo says."  
"Why?"  
Jigglypuff groaned and whispered to Pikachu. "Pikachu, I'm not a 'bad influence on Pichu' or whatever it is you claim I am! _You're_ the one who taught him the 'Happy Cokepsi™ Song' which he sings all the time!"  
"Yeah," retorted Pikachu, "but unlike you, I apologize! Did you ever even _bother_ to feel regret for showing Pichu how to jump in front of traffic?"  
"Hey, nobody was hurt!"  
"Mario was hurt!"  
"Out of context! That was three days later, _and_ he was sleepwalking. Why don't you just shove your 'oh, look at me, I'm yellow so I'm better than that nasty old Jigglypuff' rhetoric up your – oh, wait, Pokemon don't have any-"  
"EXCUSE ME!" bellowed Pichu, shocking the older two out of their pleasant conversation. "What are you two talking about?"  
"Uh…" said Pikachu, "we're talking about… what good _friends_ we are."  
"Yeah," said Jigglypuff, nodding so violently she fell forward on her face, "we certainly weren't arguing."  
"Oh," said Pichu. He breathed a sigh of relief.  
For a moment, Pichu was worried that they were planning to sneak up on him and – pull his tail! – or even worse. Pichu knew that his _two best friends in the whole world_ would never be nasty to each other – it was impossible! They were his _two best friends in the whole world_, after all!  
Pikachu and Jigglypuff made throat-slitting motions at each other and hissed a lot.

"So the general idea," said Link, "is that there will be a bit of collateral damage to the house, but that was always going to have to happen. The point is that we'll be out."  
"Unacceptable," said Marth, "there's a strong risk of danger to our lives."  
Link, Fox, Mario, Samus and Marth sat around a table, having formed a 'war council' of sorts to plan the escape from the Mansion.  
"I've thought it through," said Link calmly. And then, with a slight, threat in his voice, he added, "If you have any better suggestions…"  
Fox caved in after about a tenth of a second. "I'm all for Link's idea of burning the leaves that are trapping us in."  
"That's stupid," said Samus, "shut up." She threw a wall at him to make her point clear.  
"What is-a your suggestion, then, Samus?" said-a Mario.  
"I roll up into Morphing Ball and follow a convenient path through the leaves."  
"We can't do that!" said Link.  
"I know," said Samus, "bye." She dashed off faster than Young Link when he was high on sugar.  
"They all _died_!" said Kirby. He spontaneously combusted.  
"Well, that's a pity, isn't it?" said Link, who was getting a bit annoyed at this stage in the conversation.  
"Here, have a cookie," said Fox, earning him a sword in the gut from Marth.  
"Shut… up…" said Marth.  
"Woah! Calm down, everyone," said Link. "Let's try to-"  
"PANIC!" screamed Mario.

To their credit, Yoshi and Donkey Kong hadn't meant any harm when they snuck into Peach's room. All they had wanted to do was to kill her so as to spare the lives of… well, everyone else. Being around Peach makes you do stupid things like that.  
Unfortunately, when they got inside, Peach wasn't there. She wasn't even _half_ there!  
"Yoshi yosh yoshi?" _"Now what do we do?"_  
"I don't know," said Donkey Kong, scratching his head.  
"Hi!" said Peach, entering her room. "Ooh! It's DK and… uh… Yishi? Yoshman? Uh… it's DK and that green thing!"  
DK and Yoshi stared angrily at her.  
"Do we kill her yet?" said Donkey Kong.  
"Yosh yosh yoshi shi." _"Let's just wait for a moment."_  
"Waiting sucks," said DK.  
"Hey!" said Peach angrily. "Are you two plotting my extremely timely demise?"  
"Yes," said DK, "your death will be very welcome to everyone in the _entire universe_. We all _hate_ you, Peach, can't you understand?"  
They advanced slowly upon Peach.  
"May I run away?" said Peach politely.  
"Yo." _"No."_  
"Oh," said Peach.  
"PANIC!" screamed Mario, running through the walls of the room. This distracted Donkey Kong and Yoshi for just long enough for Peach to grab a parasol, a sandwich and a gattling gun and make her escape.  
"AFTER HER!" bellowed Donkey Kong. They stampeded out of the room, unfortunately crushing a panicked Mario in the process. On the other hand, perhaps it was a good thing – Mario might have… er… did… bad stuff, real bad stuff, to the mansion and to everyone else in it while in this panicked state. For example, he might have tried to save Peach.

"Are we there yet?" said Pichu.  
"You're leading," said Jigglypuff.  
"Oh," said Pichu. "Are we there yet?"  
"No, we are not," said a harassed Pikachu.  
"Oh." Pichu thought about that for a moment, scanned his surroundings, and came to a conclusion. "Yes, we're there!"  
"Oh, goody," said Pikachu sarcastically.  
"Oh, goody," said Jigglypuff sincerely.  
"So where are we?" said Pikachu.  
"Look around you!" said Pichu excitedly.  
The two larger Pokemon looked, and they were amazed; the room which Pichu had led them to was crammed with all kinds of foodstuffs! Apples, birdseed, cake, dodo meat, endorphins, flowerpots – every single kind of food that they could imagine was here, and in vast quantities at that!  
"This is Master Hand's secret food store!" exclaimed Pikachu sincerely.  
"This is Master Hand's secret food store!" exclaimed Jigglypuff sarcastically.  
"It's amazing, isn't it, guys?" said Pichu. "And we can keep it all for ourselves!"  
"That seems a bit dishonest," said Pikachu, "maybe we should tell the others."  
"That seems a bit dishonest," said Jigglypuff, "but whatever you say, Pichu!"  
Pichu was so happy that his friends were excited too – and they were being _so nice_ to each other like always! Ha… as if his two _best friends in the whole wide universe_ could ever disagree…  
"Let's eat!" he said.  
Pikachu sighed in resignation; Jigglypuff in ecstasy.  
They feasted.

"Okay," said Link, "Mario, I understand that you're a little bit… panicked, but there are nice ways we can deal with it… no, you don't have to kill every person who could potentially slit your throat…"  
"Yes-a, I do," said Mario weakly.  
"Okay…" said Link, wondering to himself if he was the only person left in the entire mansion who still had kept those last furtive threads of sanity.  
"THE KATTS ARE COMING!" screamed Falco, running past, Young Link viciously biting his tail.  
Link concluded that he probably was the only sane person left. This realisation shocked him so much that he set his head on fire, and then ran around, screaming in shock, pulling out his hair.

"There she is!" yelled DK.  
Yoshi made an amazing dive across the dining room, tongue outstretched, but missed Peach by the width of a Waddle Dee brain.  
"I like water polo!" screamed Peach insincerely as she tried to fend of her pursuers with her parasol.  
"Yoshi?" _"What?"_  
DK sighed in frustration. "It's pure nonsense. Ignore it." They continued to pursue Peach.  
From the other end of the dining room, Kirby watched this spectacle. While those three ran around in circles, he snuck up to the dining table and grabbed the gigantic pot of fish and carrot stew that was supposed to be lunch.  
"Mmm…" said Kirby, "…food of some form…"  
"Hey!" shouted Fox from the kitchen. "Is someone stealing lunch in there?"  
"Uh… no," said Kirby, pausing mid-bite.  
Fox stormed in, his suspicions roused. "I'm not so sure," he said.  
Fox looked at the table and was horrified to see that their lunch had been taken! But fortunately for Kirby, before Fox could see him, Peach whacked him in the head with a turnip, knocking him out cold.  
"Randomness tastes bittersweet," said Kirby poetically.  
"Oh, how touching," said Samus, "let's marry." She smiled nervously.  
Kirby's eyes widened and he tried to work out if he could reach the exit in time…

"So we're agreed that we don't tell the others about this?" said Pikachu.  
"About what?" said Jigglypuff.  
"It's okay, silly," said Pichu, "we already know about the food, we can discuss it among ourselves, right?"  
"What food?" said Jigglypuff.  
"The food," said Pikachu, "that is right in front of your face."  
Jigglypuff looked carefully. "Oh, oh! I see! That's _food_ that I was eating?"  
While the two older Pokemon discussed important things like this, Pichu ate his way through a giant sugar cube twice his size. "Aah…" he said in contentment.  
"You know," said Pikachu, "this stuff could last the three of us for months… I have an idea."  
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said Jigglypuff.  
"I can't read minds," said Pikachu.  
"Well, I can," boasted Jigglypuff.  
"Prove it," said Pikachu.  
"Are you thinking… of how clever I am?"  
"No."  
"Oh."  
"My idea," said Pikachu, "is that we hibernate, for lack of a better word, here, for a few months, while the others find help, escape, or starve to death."  
"Or set themselves on fire," added Pichu sagely.  
"Or set themselves on fire," agreed Pikachu bemusedly. "So perhaps we could-"  
"NOOO!" screamed Jigglypuff.  
"What?" said Pikachu.  
"I'm scared of fire," said Jigglypuff.  
"Which is why we're hibernating," said Pikachu, "to escape everyone else's stupidity. Although…" he muttered something under his breath which may or may not have mentioned the relation between Jigglypuff and stupidity.  
"You two are such good friends!" said Pichu incorrectly.

"Maybe we can talk about this sensibly," pleaded Link.  
"Must-a _kill_," stressed Mario.  
"Maybe we can't," admitted Link.  
Mario picked up a mushroom and tried to club Link to death with it. Luckily (or unluckily, depending how you see it), Mario failed in this task.  
Link force-fed Mario a few sleeping pills, and then everything was just fine and dandy once again.  
Falco frowned. "But I-"  
"It's a _birdie!_" screamed Young Link.  
The chase continued.

"Teh winnar iz joo," said Ness.  
"i m teh winnar!" proclaimed Mewtwo.  
They picked up their paintball guns and continued once again.

"So anyway," said Pikachu, "are we all agreed on this?"  
"Yes," said Pichu sincerely.  
"Yes," said Jigglypuff onomatopoeically.  
(A brief side note: what Jigglypuff said was onomatopoeic because it aptly described what she had said, unlike a line which stated exactly what she didn't say, which probably wouldn't have qualified for that, and it's thirty-five past ten at night and I really should be getting to bed but I haven't updated for a month and I suddenly feel apprehensive about using any non alphanumeric keys such as punctuation and random dollar signs but I guess I should type properly so, yes, I'm using grammatical constructs again, and do I feel good about it or what?)  
"I sense that a large and completely irrelevant sidenote just passed us by," said Pikachu confusedly.  
"I sense it too," said Jigglypuff, who thought that this was completely normal.  
"I sense the end of the world," said Pichu jokingly, because he didn't know any better (one really has to pity him).  
"Shut up, you ball of puff," said Pikachu.  
"Shut up, you ugly yellow rat," said Jigglypuff. "With a trisyllabic name," she added so not as to offend Pichu.  
"You two are such _good friends_," said Pichu, "which is only natural because you're both my _best friends in the entire world_!"  
"It's two-thousand-and-five! At least, so says my graphical text editor (MSWord)," said Theau Thor, who really should have gone to sleep about three hours beforehand, but really wanted to get as much of this chapter done as possible.

"HELP ME!" screamed Kirby.  
"MARRY ME!" screamed Samus.  
Kirby stopped. "Wait. Samus doesn't randomly chase people…"  
Samus had caught up to him and grabbed him passionately.  
"So," said Kirby, "you can't be Samus…"  
"No, he isn't," said Samus, stepping into view.  
"Drat," said the impostor, "I've been found. This was completely unexpected. Completely. Unexpected."  
"So who is he?" said Kirby.  
"I have no idea," said Samus.  
"Perhaps I can answer that," said someone else.  
"Who are you?" they gasped.  
"It would help if you _looked_," said Ness in a pained voice. "It's only me, Ness."  
Kirby ate a small room, then said, "So Ness, are you here to tell us who has been posing as Samus?"  
"It's very simple," said Ness. "I was playing paintball with Mewtwo when suddenly I sensed someone in emotional danger. I quickly ran down here, and tried to read the mind of the impostor."  
"So who is it?" said Kirby.  
"Shut _up_," said Ness, "I'm trying to be _dramatic_. Now, anyway, I couldn't, because the impostor was wearing a tinfoil hat-"  
"-so that's how I can ensure privacy," muttered Samus.  
"-coated with radioactive helium, which was really disgusting, so I didn't want to read that person's mind."  
"Oh," said Samus.  
"Wait!" said Kirby. "Helium doesn't have a radioactive isotope abundant enough to-"  
"Stop it!" said Ness. "Anyway… I know who it is."  
"How?" said Kirby.  
"Uh…" Unable to think of how he could continue his bluff, Ness pulled off the impostor's helmet. It was-  
"_Yowser! It's Bowser!_" gasped everyone.  
"Uh… I knew that," said Ness in what he hoped was a convincing tone.  
"Curses," said Bowser, "I was hoping to wed Kirby in order to stop the latter-day socialists from stealing my cocoa supplies."  
"Whew," said Kirby, knowing that disaster was averted, for him at least.  
Bowser narrowed his eyes, stared at Ness, and snarled, "And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you pesky kids and your stupid dog-"  
"I am _not_ a dog!" said Popo.  
"Oh," said Bowser.

"This sucks," said Theau Thor, "I'm stopping."


	14. Obsolete Deprecation

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: Have my babies (be careful, they bite).

**Chapter 14**

"At this point," said Theau Thor, "I'd like to add that although I have a very general story arc planned, it mostly involves Link's slow journey of discovery as he learns how to cook. I have no idea how this is going to end. Speaking of which…"

"I can't believe I'm doing this," said Link disbelievingly in a state of disbelief, unable to believe that he was doing to unbelievable – it was beyond belief! He couldn't believe it.  
"Oh, I believe you can," said Zelda believingly, in an encouraging voice which spoke of belief in what was obviously a very believable belief.  
"But this is wrong," said Link. "It goes against all I hold dear."  
"Sometimes you have to let go," said Zelda. By a stroke of irony, she accidentally dropped a brick on Link's foot at this moment.  
"Ow!" said Link, jumping in shock (well, trying to. Of course he couldn't jump with his foot pinned down by a brick).  
"Uh… the kids did it," said Zelda.  
"Darn kids," said Link. He then began his self-righteous rant. "Why does everyone else have to work so hard to cause utter _chaos_?"  
"Cooking," Zelda reminded him.  
"Oh. Right." Link had nearly forgotten that Zelda was teaching him how not to remember to not cook… or something like that.  
"Have you put the onions in the onion bowl?"  
"_Yes_," said Link through gritted teeth, "I have put your _onions_ in the _onion bowl_ because that's the _obvious thing_ to do."  
Zelda either failed to notice or ignored the sarcasm. Possibly both.

"Hi," said Kirby, sticking his head into the games room. "Have either of you seen the Pokemon?"  
"No," said Ness, shrugging.  
"_I am a Pokemon, you mindless inferior fool!_" raged Mewtwo, shrugging.  
"Oh, okay," said Kirby, and walked towards another room.  
There he found two other people. For the sake of pretending to care, let's say that they were Young Link and Zelda- what? Zelda is already somewhere else? Okay, scrap that.  
There Kirby found Ganondorf and Bowser, who were almost certainly plotting something dastardly and evil and not very nice at all.  
"Hi, evil people," said Kirby, "have you seen the Pokemon?"  
"'Fraid not," said Bowser.  
"Maybe we could use him to carry the vector?" said Ganondorf.  
"Too risky," said Bowser.  
"Uh," said Kirby, "are you plotting something evil?"  
"What? No! Of course not," said Ganondorf, slamming the door in Kirby's face.  
"Well, that didn't really work," observed Kirby.  
He got bored and decided that he'd go to a secret room that he had found not so long ago.  
"Where better for a snack," he said to himself, "than Master Hand's secret seemingly-infinite food store?" And that is where he went.  
However, when Kirby got there, he was confronted by the _most_ extraordinary surprise! It was Pikachu, Pichu, and Jigglypuff – the three Pokemon who he had been looking for.  
"What are you three doing here?" he said.  
"Pika?" _"What?"_ Pikachu looked up. He thought quickly. "Oh, Kirby… we're… well, erm…"  
"-we're not here," said Jigglypuff.  
"You aren't?" said Kirby.  
"We aren't?" said Pichu.  
"Oh," said Kirby, "for a moment I thought you were here."  
"Well, we're not," said Pikachu firmly.  
"Meh," said Kirby, and left.  
All three Pokemon breathed a sigh of relief.  
"Trust Kirby to be the only other person to know where this food store is," said Pikachu.  
"Hey! Don't diss Kirby!" said Jigglypuff angrily. "You just don't like cute pink puffballs!"  
"No, I don't," said Pikachu, "because they can be very annoying."  
"Kirby isn't anno- wait, I'm a pink puffball too – _hey_!"  
Pichu smiled. His two _best friends in the entire world_ often had silly discussions like this where they would pretend to insult each other. Obviously it wasn't real, of course. How could his two _best friends in the entire world_ argue with each other?  
"Well, at least Kirby didn't realise that we were here," said Pikachu. "Too obsessed with food. Speaking of which…"  
The Pokemon feasted.

"Maybe we should think philosophically about life," said Fox.  
"Okay-a," said Mario.  
"Well," said Fox, "maybe we aren't real."  
"What-a makes you think that?"  
"A congregation of monumental legends come to fight each other, with everything on an even level? In reality? Doubtful."  
"I-a see what you mean-a, Fox. Everything is so-a ordered. Where is the randomness-a, eh?"  
"Right," said Fox. "So if we aren't real, then what are we?"  
"Uh-a, perhaps we are characters in a game. That would-a explain the fighting and violence and why we are surprisingly balanced."  
Fox nodded sagely. "Good point there, Mario. But then why are we having this great philosophical debate?"  
"Perhaps we are part of a philosophical fighting game?" suggested Mario.  
Fox didn't think so.

"Zelda," said Link, "are you _really_ sure that this qualifies as cooking?"  
"Sure I am," quipped Zelda, "so be a good lad and put those books into the oven."  
"I suspect some ulterior motive here," said Link.  
"Well, if you do, you're wrong; it's just the quality of my cooking."  
"This explains why it tastes so bad," said Link.  
"You _insulted_ a _princess_! Why-" Zelda pulled a golf club out of the oven and whacked Link with it.  
"Ow," said Link, because he was in pain.  
"Serves you right for insulting me," said Zelda, whacking him again to satisfy her sadistic needs.  
"Ow," said Link.  
"And by the way, it's no business of yours how good my cooking is," said Zelda, whacking Link again just for the heck of it.  
"Ow," said Link, who was beginning to sense a pattern.

"So we should be hibernating?" said Pichu.  
"Yes," said Jigglypuff, "so let's, uh… sleep?"  
"Yes, we're going to sleep," said Pikachu.  
"Nobody will come and hurt me?" said Pichu.  
For those of you who are trying to work out the relationship between Pikachu and Jigglypuff, observe the following dialogue:  
"No," said Pikachu.  
"And if they do, I'll hide you," said Jigglypuff.  
"If anyone comes, I'll give them a beating," said Pikachu.  
"If anyone comes, _I'll_ make them wish they never had," said Jigglypuff.  
"If anyone comes, I'll _kill_ them," said Pikachu.  
"If anyone comes, I'll kill Pikachu," said Jigglypuff, "as well as them."  
"Well, I'll kill everyone except for me and you, Pichu," said Pikachu.  
"I'll destroy the world!" shouted Jigglypuff.  
"Not before I do!" pronounced Pikachu.  
Sadly, this entire ego struggle was in vain, as Pichu was long asleep.  
"Well, that was a waste," said Jigglypuff.  
"I know," said Pikachu.  
"I blame you."  
"Well, you suck."  
"Do _not_!"  
"Do too."  
"Do _not_!"  
"Do not?"  
"Do too," said Jigglypuff.  
"Ha! Tricked you," said Pikachu.  
Jigglypuff burst into tears, slapped Pikachu, and threw Pichu at him.  
Pikachu growled, hit Jigglypuff, and threw a large pineapple at her.

So anyway…

"This is making less and less sense," said Bowser.  
"Yep," said Ganondorf, "it's degrading into another flop of low-grade trash which nobody worth his weight in feathers would consider worthwhile."  
Theau Thor randomly appeared.  
"Please tell me," he said, "that you aren't referring to this story, because if you are, I shall have to use my Plot Device of Omnipotence to make you fall in love with sacks of pepper…"  
"What story?" said Ganondorf. "We were talking about our evil plot."  
"I'm so gullible that I believe you," said tikit- correction, Theau Thor, who promptly vanished into thin air.  
"Why is the air so thin here?" said Bowser.  
_And now for the punchline…  
_"The air is so thin because it's been staying healthy!" said Peach.  
Nobody laughed.  
"Uh… this is funny because I have my own mail show?" said Peach.  
"That wasn't funny," said Ganondorf.  
"And you weren't here a moment ago," said Bowser.  
"Actually, that kind of sucked," said Ganondorf.  
"Oh, dear," said Peach, "I guess I'd better… uh… THE PEACH VIEWER MAIL PROGRAM ALL THE WAY!"  
And she did.

"Did what?" said Ness.  
"_Shut up,_" raged Mewtwo.  
"But absolutely nothing makes any sense any more!" said Ness. "I mean, granted, we've only been trapped in here for 24 hours, but things should surely have settled down by now! Instead, everyone is going hysterical!"  
"_Fool,_" raged Mewtwo, "_you simply haven't thought of the answer yet._"  
"But none of this makes sense. Look at the facts!" Ness paused, gathering his thoughts. "The Smashers are trapped in the house! Donkey Kong has terrible shopping skills! Kirby is holding the fridge hostage! Peach has dark, soup bowl-related secrets! Samus and Nana find something in common! Zelda and Peach _still_ can't cook! Jigglypuff is mind-controlling the kids! The bunnies are attacking! Ness doesn't cheat! A 300 word sentence is on the loose! Peach is struggling with her (relatively) intelligent shoes! Ness is blackmailing Mewtwo! Marth has inadvertenly condemned Roy to Death by Candy Bar! The non-running gag has returned! Young Link is hyper-possessive! A shocking truth about the leaves is revealed! The honey is dangerous! Peach learns the power of **addition**! Samus is sadist! (Who would have guessed?) They're down to their last coffee beans! Theau Thor has returned with a vengeance! Pichu's sunglasses are ugly! Popo is a moose! Peach can't remember her name! The coffee sparks the ultimate fight! Pichu misinterprets his friends' relationship! Kirby isn't being courted by Samus! Young Link can bite! Mario and Fox nearly admit their non-existence! The Pokemon go into hibernation! WILL I EVER GIVE THIS STORY A RESOLUTION? Read to find out!..."  
Mewtwo stared. "_Did you just-_"  
"Yes," said Ness. "Yes, I just summarized everything that's happened in this mansion since we've been trapped inside. 24 hours. Explain."  
"_You know, if this wasn't reality, I'd say that was a bad synopsis of a story or perhaps a summary designed to generate interest for it._"  
"Or both," said Ness.  
"_Yes,_" raged Mewtwo, "_but either way it would suck._"  
"Wait a minute…" said Ness, "how did I know that Mario and Fox are admitting their own non-existence? What non-existance?"  
"Because you are psychic," said Theau Thor, using the oldest excuse in the book.  
"Oh, okay," said Ness.  
"_Yep,_" raged Mewtwo.

"No! Wait! I have-a got it!" said Mario.  
"What?" said Fox excitedly.  
"We are-a both part of a highly violent game-a-"  
"-fighting game…"  
"-and we are sitting here as a result of a bad novel released to raise awareness for-a the game!"  
"No," said Fox. "That's closer than ever, but it can't be right. No official publication would be this bad."  
"Then this-a is a fan work!" said Mario.  
"Bingo," said Fox.

"I'm glad we're hidden here," said Pikachu, gazing at Pichu's sleeping form.  
"Oh, why?" said Jigglypuff.  
"We're safe from the insanity of the outside world," said Pikachu.  
"I hate you," said Jigglypuff.  
"Vice versa," said Pikachu.  
"Right, well, let's hibernate, too."  
"Okay… as long as you don't draw on my face while I'm asleep."  
"Sure… as long as you don't slit my throat while _I'm_ asleep."  
Pikachu and Jigglypuff glared at each other maliciously, then slept quite peacefully.

"And I _can_ save myself from evil, thank you very much!" said Zelda, whacking Link out of spite.  
"Ow," said Link, who was beginning to become rather bored.  
"And you're really too handsome," said Zelda, whacking Link with a golf club for no reason other than spontaneity.  
"Ow," said Link, trying to figure out if there was some way that he could escape this seemingly-inevitable fate.  
"There's no escape," said Zelda, simultaneously whacking Link _and_ dashing his hopes.  
"Ow," said Link, who was now rather miserable.

"Now what kind of fan fiction would this be?" said Fox, exploring the possibilities.  
"Well," said Mario, "it-a must be a drama."  
"You think?" said Fox. "Why?"  
"Because-a of all the complex plots and subplots which we can-a see around-a us!"  
"Uh… no?"  
"True…" Mario considered. "Well-a, perhaps this is an action slash-a adventure story."  
"No," said Fox, "because we are frickin' _trapped in a boring mansion_ here. There is absolutely _no_ room for dramatic fight sequences or horrific discoveries. So that can't be the case, I'm afraid. Sorry about that, Mario."  
"2006!" said Mario. "Well-a, perhaps this is a humour story, eh, Fox?"  
"And what exactly makes you think that that's the case?" said Fox.  
"Well-a, for a start, the fact that all this randomness is occurring."  
"Of course! And the fact that we're considering that this is a story is either a deep, meaningful philosophical cornerstone of the story – or just a **bad joke**!"  
"Exact-a-ly," said Mario. "So in this-a case, what else can we find as evidence?"  
"The fact that everyone has a vibrant personality complete with slapstick-style faults!" said Fox. "The fact that Captain Falcon turned into a rabbit for a paragraph! This even explains why I have failed to notice Kirby nibbling on my tail during this conversation!"  
"Uh… heh heh…" said Kirby. He ran for it.  
"So-a let's tell everyone of our-a discovery!" said Mario.  
"No," said someone completely different, "I can't let you do that."  
"Why?" said Fox and Mario, spinning around. "And who are you?"  
"I'll answer the second question first – I am Theau Thor," said Theau Thor. "I-"  
"-let me guess," said Fox, "judging by your name you represent the author of this story-"  
"SILENCE!" cried Theau Thor. Tikit- I- they- the auth- my- that person, calming down, said, "I'm trying to keep my identity a secret so that the readers are left in suspense as to my identity."  
"But it's kind of **really obvious**," said Mario.  
"Well," said Theau Thor, "I was- I- well- AS FOR YOUR FIRST QUESTION! Why can't I let you spread the truth to the characters? I have two exceptionally good reasons."  
"Which are…?" said Mario and Fox.  
"Firstly, acknowledging that a story is a story is something that is done in old plays and such. And you know what? _Nobody remembers these old plays!_ I'm not completely sure if this argument of _cum hoc ergo propter hoc_ is completely correct, but it sits fine with me. Plus, I once read this Norwegian book where some evil characters in a book discover that they are characters and **rebel and kill and crushinate sic their author!**"  
"OH NOES!" said Mario.  
"I see your point," said Fox. "Your other reason?"  
Theau Thor nodded. "Secondly, I'm evil and a control-freak."  
"Fair enough," said Fox.  
"So-a how are you going to stop us?" said Mario.  
"I've thought of a way," said Theau Thor. "You see, I have written down this entire section of the chapter, however, I can easily delete it if I want to. But it would be too much work to replace everything, so instead, I'm going to say that none of this journey of discovery ever happened!"  
"You can't do that," said Mario and Fox. "People reading this story will notice this section, and they might forget what you say afterwards about it not being real!"  
"Well," said Theau Thor, "I have a contingency plan. I'm going to use the ultimate writer's weapon against his or her own plot!"  
"Not-a that!" gasped Mario.  
"Yes," said Theau Thor, "I'm going to use the Author's Note! Muah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!..."  
"NOOOO!" cried Mario and Fox.

Author's Note: Please realise that the entire conversation between Mario and Fox was an experiment to, uh, insert excuse here. It never happened, and will not be counted as canon for the purposes of this story. We apologise for making something you spent time reading obsolete. Or do we…? (And by 'we', I mean 'I'. Or do we…?)  
On a side note, read anything you can by Jostein Garder. And if you're female and a mammal, marry me.  
The point being that you should consider anything that happened to Fox or Mario this chapter as null and void. To demonstrate this point, I shall give you this paragraph:

"Strange," said Mario. "We've been sitting in this room for an unspecified-a period of time-a, and nothing has-a happened."  
"We haven't even talked," said Fox.  
"And most importantly, you haven't realised that you're not real," said Theau Thor.  
"What?" said Fox.  
"Nothing; carry on," said Theau Thor, turning into a small highlighter so as to effect his immediate escape from the scene.

"Life is boring," said Captain Falcon.  
Kirby ate him.  
Please flame. I mean, please review. I mean – well, come on, people! Do something!


	15. This Chapter Seemed Better at the Time

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: The rofl pony owns Nintendo and all of its assets. If you have any enquiries about this change of ownership, please direct your queries to the rofl pony.

**Chapter 15**

"Well," said Samus, "this is boring."  
"Yes," said Zelda, "very boring, indeed."  
"Let's kill some people!" said Samus, jumping up from her chair.  
"Good idea," said Zelda, standing.

"So you've just been sitting there, doing absolutely nothing?" said Link with not a little scepticism.  
Fox and Mario glanced at each other.  
"Well, if we did something," said Fox, "we don't remember a thing about it."  
"Indeed-a," said Mario, "and may I remind-a you that we are-a completely sincere-a."  
"Why wouldn't you be?" said Link.  
"No comment," said Mario, diving under a rock.  
"How did this rock end up indoors?" wondered Link.  
The rock suddenly turned into Kirby, perhaps because it had been Kirby in disguise all along!  
"Hiya," said Kirby, "how are you all today?" (Then, under his breath, "_Food…_")  
"Were you eavesdropping on us?" said Link.  
"Why, I'm _completely shocked_ by the very suggestion!" said Kirby, "because I certainly was not eavesdropping! I'm not a very eavesdropping person at all! Why, the very thought of eavesdropping causes me to think eavesdropping-unrelated thoughts!"  
"Well, that seems a reasonable enough excuse," said Fox, who was thick enough to believe him.  
"Right, well-a, you may-a go," said Mario.  
"Yay!" said Kirby, "because I wasn't eavesdropping."  
"We know," said Fox and Mario together.  
Kirby grabbed a large sandwich and headed elsewhere.  
"Farewell-a, Kirby!" shouted Mario. "Never forget the truth!"  
"What?" said Fox.  
"Just a side story I'm not going to use after all," said Theau Thor.  
"Okay-a, then," said Mario. "Wait – who are you-a?"  
"16," said Fox.

"Before, there was never a reason to wonder," said Link, "but now things have changed. I feel… I feel doubt. I am beginning to question the nobility of these actions."  
"Just shut up," said Zelda, whacking him with a golf club again, now mostly because she was settling into a familiar routine.  
"Please," begged Link, "stop this nonsense."  
"No," said Zelda.  
"Meh," said Link, "I suppose I'll just have to kill myself, then."  
And he did.  
"Oh, dear," said Zelda, who was worried that she might have to speak at Link's Hyrulian funeral.  
"Oh, dear," said Peach, who was worried that Link might try to come back to life and kill her pet Koopa.  
"OH NOES MUDRERRZ?" shouted Luigi.  
"TEH EDN IZ CUMING!" shouted Zelda.  
"HE'Z DEDD!" shouted Mario.  
"I'M DEDD shouted Link, WAT DO VE DOO?"  
"You know," said Samus, "I know that we agreed to kill some people, but this sucks. Both in content and in presentation."  
"Absolutely," said Zelda, "but it was your suggestion just to sit down and wait for some unsuspecting victim to come to us."  
"It works, though," whined Samus.  
Yoshi ran up to Samus and Zelda, waving his arms. "Yoshi! Yoshi yoshi yoshi; yoshi!"  
Samus and Zelda both smiled evilly.  
"Arararararararar…" said Yoshi, who realised that he was about to meet a rather unpleasant fate.

"So," said Marth, "want to do anything?"  
"It's nearly noon," said Roy. "Besides, it's our second day stuck here, and I'm still bored."  
"Are you sure it's nearly noon?"  
"No."  
"There is no sense of time in this hellhole," said Marth.  
"What'cha mean?" said Roy.  
"So much completely random stuff is happening around us, often at the rate of fourteen wacky incidents a minute! It's almost impossible to measure time or even guess at it."  
"Have you tried using a clock?" said Roy.  
"A- _what_?"  
"A clock? A device… for telling time?"  
"Oh, a _clock_," said Marth reminiscently, "I remember those…"  
"We must find a clock!" shouted Roy with all his courage and inner strength.  
"WE MUST FIND THE CLOCK BEFORE WE GO INSANE!" shouted Marth. "INSANE… INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE! BOOM CHUGGA CHUGGA WHO DA CLOCK-FINDER?"  
"**We'll find what the time is, and we shall be saved from the depths of lunacy,**" bellowed Roy, "**lunacy!**"  
And with an extremely unsteady gait, they set off to find a clock.

"Morning," said Ness. "Or evening, depending on the time."  
"_Really, who cares?_" said Mewtwo. "_It's not as if anyone cares what time it is._"  
"But then when's lunch?" said Ness.  
They both looked at each other, aghast.  
"_Surely it must be lunch time by now!_" shouted Mewtwo.  
"Surely Zelda cooked it last chapter!" shouted Ness.  
"_In the event that she didn't, let's cook for ourselves,_" said Mewtwo.  
"Agreed," said Ness.  
Ness and Mewtwo walked to- okay, Ness walked and Mewtwo floated to- is floated the right word? How about 'glide'? Okay – Ness and Mewtwo respectively walked and glided to the kitchen.  
"Here we are at the kitchen," said Ness, who felt an overwhelming desire to remind Mewtwo where they were.  
"_Ah… the kitchen,_" raged Mewtwo.  
"So I suppose we have to cook or something, now," said Ness.  
"_I suppose so,_" raged Mewtwo.  
"Stop raging. It's really unnerving."  
"_Oh, I'm sorry, I really care,_" raged Mewtwo sarcastically.  
"How can you rage _sarcastically_?" said Ness. "And more to the point, why is the fridge in the middle of the room?"  
They both stared at the fridge, worried.

"**klik beep beep kilk**" said Mr Game & Watch.  
"There you are," said Peach. "Nobody's seen you around since we became trapped inside this Happy Fun House!"  
Mr Game and Watch randomly hit Peach in the head with a hammer, most likely because she was talking in a voice which was **so sickeningly high-pitched and whiny that anyone unfortunate enough to hear it for even a split second would surely start frothing at the mouth and going raving mad and trying to kill Peach to end the pain**.  
"Ow," said Peach in the same tone of voice. She smiled; Mr Game & Watch fled.

"Don't worry," said Samus sweetly, "we won't kill you, Yoshi. We're just going to cause you a great deal of pain."  
Yoshi was about to nod happily when he realised that he was still going to be on the losing end of this deal.  
"Ararararar!" he said.  
"I think that means he likes it," said Zelda evilly.  
"Yes," said Samus, raising her arm cannon, "it does."  
"Remember, I go first!" said Zelda hastily. "He won't be recognisable after you blow him to bits."  
"Fair enough," said Samus.  
Yoshi just started crying.

"This can't be right," said Ness after some amount of consideration. "The fridge was against the wall the last time I saw it. It definitely wasn't in the middle of the room."  
"_And it definitely wasn't on the table,_" agreed Mewtwo.  
"So what could this mean?" said Ness. "We're psychic, but that doesn't help, because we can't read a fridge's mind…"  
"_We could just snoop in on everyone else's thoughts to discover who misplaced the fridge,_" suggested Mewtwo.  
The fridge subtly shifted to the side.  
"No thanks," said Ness. "The last time I read someone's mind without any warning, DK beat me up."  
"_I still don't understand why he did that when it was Zelda's mind you were reading,_" raged Mewtwo.  
"Stop raging!" said Ness. "It's annoying."  
The fridge moved a few centimetres towards the nearest door.  
"_Wait…_" raged Mewtwo. "_Fridges can't edge away suspiciously!_"  
"Uh oh," said the fridge.  
"Fridges can't talk either!" said Ness. "Something's very suspicious about this…"  
"I'm a perfectly normal fridge," said the fridge.  
"_Oh, really?_" raged Mewtwo. "_Then why are you moving?_"  
"Because I need a walk," said the fridge.  
"Oh, okay," said Ness.  
The fridge hurried out of the room as if afraid of something.  
"So," said Ness, "that was a bit weird, wasn't it?"  
"_Wait a minute,_" bethought Mewtwo, "_that fridge was taller than normal – meaning-_"  
"-it wasn't a fridge!" said Ness. "It was someone carrying a fridge!"  
Mewtwo and Ness frowned. "_Someone like-_"  
Kirby ran.

"The clock must be found!" shouted Marth. "We must find the clock! WE NEED CLOCKS!"  
"Maybe the fact that we're taking this so seriously is a sign that we really _are_ going mad after all," said Roy.  
"Nonsense!" said Marth. "Now, let's skip up and down the stairs a lot, singing nursery rhymes!"  
"Fine by me!" giggled Roy.  
"Gee, Roy, you sound really feminine when you do that!" said Marth.  
"Oh, really?"  
"Yes! I like it!"  
Marth and Roy both laughed a lot and did lots of really crazy stuff together. (In fact, they had already gone mad. This can be seen in how they weren't doing anything particularly adults-only, as was typical of them.)

Samus and Zelda were also skipping, in their case because of a slight endorphin high.  
"Ah!" sighed Samus. "I _love_ killing people! It feels so good!"  
"Hey, look!" said Zelda. "The Mario brothers are in their room!"  
"All right!" they said together, doing a high-five.  
"Okay. This time," said Zelda, "we're using the shotgun."  
"Fine," said Samus. "But I get to set fire to their bodies when you're done."  
"Deal," said Zelda.  
They skipped into the Mario brothers' room.

"Come back here!" shouted Ness, bounding down the stairs.  
Kirby's eyes widened and he quickly reached into the fridge he was balancing on his head, and pulled out an apple from the fridge and threw it at his pursuers.  
"_Look out!_" raged Mewtwo.  
Ness dodged to the side before saying, "That was an occasion when you didn't need to rage."  
"_Well, I did, so there,_" bethought Mewtwo.  
"Fine," said Ness. "You win."  
Kirby reached a second floor balcony and hopped off it. He landed abruptly on the ground and quickly began to run further.  
Ness swung out his yoyo and hooked it around the railing of the balcony, and swung down to ground level on the string. Mewtwo wasn't nearly as exciting, so he just floated down.  
"Come on!" shouted Ness.  
"_Where is he?_" said Mewtwo. "_He's disappeared!_"  
Kirby (accidentally) choked on a brick, alerting Ness and Mewtwo – the chase continued.

"Mamma mia!" said Luigi, waking up from his afternoon nap to discover that Zelda had stabbed him – with a **shotgun**!  
"Yay!" said Zelda, attempting to express the wonderful feeling she was experiencing as she brutally and sadistically cut Luigi's life short.  
"My-a brother!" shouted Mario, waking up after hearing high-pitched screams which he recognised as Luigi's.  
"Don't come any closer or I'll kill him!" warned Zelda.  
"You already have-a!" said Mario somewhat angrily (because his brother was **dead**).  
"Oh," said Zelda, realising that this was indeed true. "Well, don't come any closer or I'll kill you!"  
Mario realised that he wasn't dead and thus was in danger of being killed, and thus backed off.  
"Mwa ha ha ha ha!" screamed Samus, setting off a power bomb in the room and killing everyone. Except for Zelda, who was her friend, and was wearing an invisible fireproof skin-tight suit (on top of her dress, of course, so it wouldn't get burnt).  
"AUGH!" screamed-a Mario, as he died painfully from the painful flaming flames of flaming death.  
"Yes!" said Zelda and Samus together, the two women united by this beautiful display of gore.

Okay, if the violence here is disgusting you, let's cut to something happier:

"Yay!" said Fox, beaming, running around and squealing. "I love _evewyone!_"  
"Shut up," said Falco.  
"But we're all the _bestest friends_!" exclaimed Fox, a winning smile on his face.  
"Please don't remind me that I work for you," said Falco, trying to get out through the doorway Fox was blocking.  
"But I _love you all_!"  
Falco snapped.

Okay, if the violence that hasn't quite happened yet is disgusting you, let's cut to something happier:

"DIE!" yelled Zelda.

-I said, something happier:

"Okay," said Marth. "Let's search for clocks systematically."  
"Why?" said Roy.  
"Because I'm the boss," said Marth.  
"That's a really good reason," said Roy completely sincerely.  
"Look! A clock!" said Marth.  
"That's not a clock, that's a book!" said Roy.  
"Sure it is," said Salvador Dali, who really didn't bear any relation to the story, but was there anyway, because Theau Thor was absolutely **insane**.  
"THE CLOCKS!" screamed Roy, running around in circles. "A QUARTER PAST THREE! AND 19 UPSIDE DOWN IS 61!"

(**To be** dis**continued** and replaced with a look-alike**…**)


	16. The End of the World

**AUTUMN DAYS**

DISCLAIMER: Owned.

**Chapter 16**

WARNING: In this chapter, the **entire freaking story** jumps the shark.

"Well," said Samus, "this is boring."  
"There's nothing boring about this at all!" exclaimed Zelda delightedly. "We're causing needless pain to innocent people, and we're having fun while we're doing it, _and_ we're recapitulating on everything that happened just two minutes ago – how could this _ever_ be boring?"  
"Well," said Samus, "don't you feel that this is getting a bit repetitive?"  
"Surely not!" exclaimed Zelda. "How could causing needless pain to innocent people, having fun while doing it, and recapitulating on everything that happened two minutes ago be _repetitive_?"  
"I was just thinking," said Samus, "that we're causing needless pain to innocent people, having fun while doing it, and recapitulating on everything that happened two minutes ago the _exact same way_ every time!"  
Zelda frowned. "You're right," she said. "So how do you think we should cause needless pain to innocent people, have fun while doing it, and recapitulating on everything that happened two minutes ago from now on?"  
"I don't know," said Samus.

"How very anticlimactic," said the rofl pony.

"_Catch that cursed fridge!_" shouted Mewtwo, as he and Ness raced across the giant garden outside the Smash Mansion.  
Kirby ducked under a tree and weaved around further.  
"Wait…" said Ness, slowing down. "Weren't we all trapped inside a moment ago?"  
"Oh," said Theau Thor, materialising. "Must be a minor slip-up. Back inside you go."  
Ness, Mewtwo, and Kirby reappeared inside the Smash Mansion, which really was buried under the leaves this time around.  
"Now what?" said Ness.  
"Maybe you're supposed to keep on chasing me?" suggested Kirby.  
"_Yeah,_" mulled Mewtwo, "_that's probably it._"  
They kept chasing him.

In stark contrast (which is a literary device) to Ness, Mewtwo and Kirby, who were being very active, Marth and Roy were lounging around in Marth's room.  
"So," said Roy, reaching for some crystallised pineapple pieces, "now that the llama we were using as _censored_ has decided to run off and join the local circus, what do we do now?"  
"I know!" said Marth. "Remember that amateur web site we made last week?"  
"Yeah?" said Roy excitedly.  
"Let's put some _censored_ pics onto it!"  
"Like what?"  
Marth explained; Roy giggled evilly; the two of them set off to find a wig, a tub of ice, and Yoshi.

Yoshi, by an enormous coincidence, was talking to Kirby at that particular moment.  
"Yoshi yosh ish yoshi?" _"So you can't find the Pokemon?"_ he asked.  
"'Fraid not," said Kirby, munching on a candy bar wrapper.  
"So who do we play with now?" sulked Yoshi.  
"Relax," said Kirby, patting Yoshi on the saddle-thing consolingly, "we'll find something exciting to do. We always do."  
"Thanks… why are you eating a candy bar wrapper?"  
"It tastes like chocolate," explained Kirby.  
"Wouldn't the candy _inside_ the wrapper taste better?" said Yoshi exasperatedly.  
"Hey… that's a good idea," said Kirby. "Thanks, Yoshi; you're the best iguana ever!"  
"I'm not an iguana-" Yoshi began before Bowser crashed through the ceiling, landing on Kirby.  
"Oh, hi," said Bowser, smiling and waving.  
"Arararararararararar…" Yoshi began.  
"Hey, what's your problem?" shouted Bowser. "It's not like I landed on you!"  
"…rararararararararar…"  
Bowser looked around and then noticed Kirby's left foot sticking out from under his shell.  
"Oops," he said, rolling to the side.  
Kirby stood up. His flesh was so elastic that he popped back into shape easily, although there were large dents in his face the size of Bowser's spikes.  
"Ow!" he complained.  
"Woah, I'm so sorry!" said Bowser, shame-faced. "Are you okay?"  
"Wha-? Oh, I'm fine," replied Kirby, pulling out a candy bar he had hidden in Bowser's shell a few days ago.  
Yoshi recovered from the shock, and then fainted.  
"So how did you come to be falling from the ceiling, anyway?" wondered Kirby.  
"Heh, heh…" laughed Bowser weakly. "It's the stupid floorboards in this stupid mansion. They won't take my weight."  
"I know the feeling," said Kirby sympathetically – and it _was_ true, only a week ago, he had fallen through a concrete bridge in Fourside after inhaling a few passing cars.  
"Horrible, ain't it?" said Bowser, staring into space.  
"Yep," said Kirby, hopping backwards into a sitting position. "So, how are you?"  
Marth and Roy ran into the room wearing wigs and dragged Yoshi out.  
"Not too bad," said Bowser, "aside from everyone hating me for various reasons and all. You?"  
"I'm hungry," said Kirby.  
"Wow," said Bowser. "That's shockingly… shocking."  
"Yep," affirmed Kirby, "in fact, I'm so surprised by my being hungry myself that I don't know what to say or do. It's not my style to just… be hungry. I'm usually hungry _and_ cute or something of the kind. But right now, I'm so hungry, I could eat a horse!"  
"Horses are quite big, though," said Bowser.  
"Well, I could at least eat Yoshi," said Kirby. "Mmm… Yoshi. Where is he, anyway?"  
"I don't know!" said Bowser, turning around. "He was unconscious on the floor just a moment ago; where could he be _now_?" He began to pace around.  
Kirby stood up as well, looking shocked. "This is horrible! Yoshi is missing!"  
"Good riddance," said Bowser snidely (in case you didn't know, Yoshi was not one of those people who openly supported everything Bowser did).  
"_Now_ who do I eat?" wondered Kirby. He turned to Bowser, and then his eyes began to glaze over. "Ooh… Bowser… I have an idea…" he said, drooling.  
"QUICK! Let's find Yoshi!" exclaimed Bowser frantically.  
And thus Bowser and Kirby set off to find Yoshi so that Kirby could eat him, not Bowser.

The secret food cache now empty, Pikachu, Jigglypuff and Pichu were now beginning to tire of their confines – indeed, they were becoming bored.  
"I'm bored," said Pichu.  
Pikachu and Jigglypuff glanced at each other, making 'your fault' faces.  
"Well," said Pikachu, "let's play the 'Go to Sleep' game!"  
Seeing Pichu's sceptical face, Jigglypuff piped in, "It's lots of fun!"  
"Oh," said Pichu, seemingly reconsidering. "Well, I guess that's okay then." And he settled down to sleep, nice and peacefully.  
The moment they were sure he was asleep, Pikachu and Jigglypuff started their usual pastime of bickering about nothing in particular.  
"Well," said Jigglypuff, "you've got us into this 'hibernating' mess, so-"  
"Oh, no you don't," interrupted Pikachu, raising a paw. "You're always setting a bad example for Pichu, what with all of your stupid running around doing stupid things with stupid Peach!"  
"Peach," said Jigglypuff crossly, "is _not_ stupid!"

Peach, as it happened, was quite busy talking to herself.  
"What's on television?" said Peach.  
"Nothing!" said Peach.  
"Well, that's bad!" said Peach.  
"Yes, it is!" said Peach.  
"Best friends!" said Peach.  
"Yay!" said Peach.  
"Let's go find some food!" said Peach.  
"Okay!" said Peach, "I like maple syrup juice!"

At this point, I – sorry, _Theau Thor_ (once again, _not _a self-insert) seriously began to run out of ideas. Ergo:

"It's-a me, Mario!" said Mario, proudly.  
"Nobody likes-a Luigi," said Luigi, glumly.  
"It's-a me, Mario!" said Mario, proudly.  
"Nobody likes-a Luigi," said Luigi, glumly.  
"It's-a me, Mario!" said Mario, proudly.  
"Nobody likes-a Luigi," said Luigi, glumly.  
"Hi," said Marth, "do either of you have a wig lying around?"  
"I'm afraid-a not-a," said Mario.  
"Nobody likes-a Luigi," said Luigi, glumly.  
Roy noticed that Luigi was standing in a tub of ice.  
"Look, Marth!" he said. "A tub of ice!"  
Marth and Roy pulled the tub of ice out from under Luigi's feet and ran off with it. And, of course, their hostage Yoshi.

Link was sitting on a chair, reading a book. The chair was made of wood. The book was made of paper. Link was enjoying himself. All was good.  
"Hi, Link!" said Zelda, not taking the trouble to conceal the missile launcher in her hands. "How are you?"  
"What are you doing?" said Link, his suspicions aroused.  
"Getting my _revenge_," hissed Zelda, firing a missile at Link. Link yelled, exploded, and then died.  
"Revenge?" said Samus, entering the room behind. "Revenge for what?"  
"I dunno," shrugged Zelda, "it sounded like a good thing to say."  
Silence.  
"Fair enough," said Samus. "Well, good job. Sixteen chapters and we've finally killed off the only sensible character."  
Silence.  
"What?" said Zelda.  
"I don't know," said Samus, "saying that felt… right."  
"I was never here," said Theau Thor, vanishing into thin air.  
"Well, let's go kill some more people!" said Samus cheerily, and together, she and Zelda left the room merrily, preparing to cut short some more lives.  
The room was now empty.  
Silence.  
Theau Thor reappeared to dance on Link's corpse. "Suck, Link!" he cried.  
Silence.  
Theau Thor vanished again.

"You are the worst possible role model for Pichu!" shouted Pikachu, zapping Jigglypuff.  
"Oh, yeah? Well… you're the worst possible… person… for… Pichu!" shouted Jigglypuff, slapping Pikachu.  
They both growled and circled each other, viciously.  
"Let's fight to the death!" yelled Pikachu, charging at Jigglypuff, preparing for the **ultimate uber-great head-butt of DOOM**.  
"Or maybe we could talk about our differences," suggested Jigglypuff.  
"Yeah," said Pikachu, screeching to a halt, "that works too."  
"Uh… I'm sorry about hurting your feelings," said Jigglypuff.  
"Me, too, I guess," said Pikachu.  
"Can we stop fighting and be friends?" asked Jigglypuff.  
"Why not?" agreed Pikachu.  
"Yay," said Jigglypuff.  
"Yay," said Pikachu.  
Suddenly, Kirby ran into the room, looking out of breath, and covered with mysterious red stains. "Hi, Pika. Hi, Jigs. Can I hide in here?"  
"What happened?" said Pikachu.  
Kirby dived under a table. "Thanks, guys, you're the best friends ever!"  
"I am _not_ a guy," protested Jigglypuff sulkily.  
Ness and Mewtwo blasted through the walls of the secret food store.  
"Hi…?" said Pikachu and Jigglypuff together.  
"Where's Kirby?" demanded Ness.  
"_We're not going to get anything by _talking" said Mewtwo. "_Let's use our mystical mind-reading powers._"  
"Yes," agreed Ness, "mystical."  
Ness tried to pry into Jigglypuff's mind. "Strange… I can't feel anything… Mewtwo, I can't sense her thoughts!"  
"Ha!" said Jigglypuff triumphantly. "_That's_ because I can't think!"  
Ness and Mewtwo exchanged confused glances.  
"Ri-ight…" said Ness, "Mewtwo, read Pikachu's mind then."  
Mewtwo was about to, but then, much to his consternation, Pikachu bit him in the leg.  
"_Ow, my leg,_" whined Mewtwo.  
Silence.  
Mewtwo contracted rabies and died.  
Silence.  
"I'll just go, then," said Ness.  
Silence.  
Ness left.  
Silence.  
"Yay!" said Kirby, emerging from his hiding place. "Thanks! You're both the best!"  
Pikachu, Jigglypuff and Kirby shared an all-important group hug!  
"YAY!" they all exclaimed.  
Silence.  
They suddenly died.

Peach was standing on her head.  
"Ow," she said, "my head."  
Silence.  
Samus and Zelda ran in and overkilled her.  
Silence.  
Peach died.  
Silence.  
"Woo," said Zelda.  
They left.

Bowser and Kirby searched frantically for Yoshi.  
"I can't find him!" said Kirby.  
"Wait," said Bowser, "didn't you just die?"  
"Oh, yeah," said Kirby, remembering.  
Silence.  
He died.  
"Well, I guess that's that, then," said Bowser.  
"YOSHI!" screamed Yoshi from Marth's room.  
"Hmm," said Bowser, "perhaps Yoshi is in there."  
Bowser entered the room.

To go into detail about what was in Marth's room would involve a minimum of five hundred lewd words and I would break several international laws.

Suffice to say that Bowser died of shock, Yoshi died of **word omitted here**, Marth and Roy turned into magical unicorns and then exploded, and Kirby died for the third time.

"This is no longer making any sense!" cried Theau Thor frantically. "What happened? I had a successful story… but now it's gone… ruined!"  
Random bits of bubble gum flew everywhere.  
"I'm going to get _flamed_!" cried Theau Thor, sinking to the ground.

Mario was ice cubed to death, while four chapters decided to cease to exist.

The world was destroyed, recreated, and then used as a salad dressing.

Five men in white coats arrived to take Theau Thor away, but Theau Thor used what was left of his nonsensical powers to erase the previous sentence.

Time stood still. Pichu didn't. The universe became a cheesecake which Nana force fed to Popo, who choked and died. Samus and Zelda killed Nana by grabbing a sword and shooting her with it.

And suddenly, as randomly as it had began, it was all over.

The entire cast – I mean, everyone – was standing in the entrance hall to the giant mansion they had spent the past 24 hours trapped in.  
Nobody spoke for a moment.  
"What the heck just happened?" said DK.  
Theau Thor appeared.  
"Hi, everyone," he said, "this story sucks. The end."  
This was met with a blank silence.  
"So what happens now?" said Ness. "And what happened to us all dying?"  
"Just trying to get a cheap laugh," sighed Theau Thor. "Meh."  
"What is he on-a about?" whispered Luigi.  
Silence.  
"Don't we get… I don't know, closure?" suggested Ness, whose head was large enough to break the fourth wall.  
"No," said Theau Thor.  
"Well," said Captain Falcon, "I was the one who covered the leaves with oil so that they trapped us in here! So if you're going to blame someone for this mess, blame me, not-"  
Everyone started attacking Falcon with blunt objects.  
"Random violence is FUN!" said Fox, giggling.  
"So," said Ness, turning to The Author – sorry, Theau Thor – "now that we know everything and this is all done, and Captain Falcon got what he deserved, can we leave?"  
"No," said Theau Thor. "You are trapped here forever. Muah. Ha. Ha… too tired to laugh…"  
Silence.  
"So this story has **no resolution?**" asked Ness, horrified.  
"Guess so," said Theau Thor. "**Please read and review.**"  
A gigantic Kirby clone landed on the mansion, killing them all.  
"Not _again_," **said** Popo.

**THE END**  
You seriously read this far? Shame on you. :-(


End file.
